Why me?
So I guess now that i have all this time on my hands i have more time to write "entries"...thats for you cara! but any way, so i dunno i was doing really good. like i was just starting to like accept everthing that has been thrown at me these past few weeks in my life, and i haden't talked to alex since last friday and as much as it killed me, i just tried to accept it and then boom today he emails me....1st about work and then a personal email..it was nothing major just how hes looking for jobs in other states(so he can just run away from everything) and just seeing how i was doing but he writes love alex...and i know that that doesn't really mean anything but it just makes me realize how much i miss him. and i feel like now i am back at square one....i am having such a hard time with this..like evrything in me wanted to respond right away, but then i feel like i am giving him the satisfaction on knowing he still has me whenever he wants me....and i know that is what i am doing, but it is soooooooo hard for me because i care for him so much, maybe i am just trying to hold on to that hope that one day we will get back together, and i know that even if we ever did get back together this would always be in the back of my mind, but when i was with him, i felt a way that i never had before and i liked it! and just as i was getting use to it, it was taken from me, obviously he was the one to do that and i should hate him for it, but i just can't bring myself to do that, i think about him all the time, i dream about him (i never have dreams)and i hope that maybe it will work out. and maybe i am just being naieve, because maybe there is someone better out there for me, but i guess i am just being selfish, because i want it now. i am tired of being lonly (i am not saying alone b/c i have great friends and a great family)but i want a boyfriend. someone who i can trust and count on and someone who i can be intimate with. that is a big thing to me and after realizing what true love is and how amazing it feels...it sucks to be without it. i know that i am proabably just sounding really selfish and snoby, but i just feel like for once in my life i had something really good and i am just not ready to let that go yet. i mean i know that some people look their whole life and never find it, and i should be thankful that i even got the chance for a little bit to have it, but i mean i don't think i am that horrible of a person to not deserve it. like i feel like with alex,it was was such a trick, as soon as i really started depending on him...he was gone, and i just miss it so much. i wish i could just make it go back a month to what i had then, i was so happy and content and i just hope that i will find that again.
~laura
~laura