(no subject)
Ah, my outlet. How I have missed you. I need to write at this moment, and I'm not sure which direction in which to go, because there are at least four or five different paths this venting could take. I feel like I'm making a conscious syllabus of what I want to accomplish and really, the whole point to writing is that I relieve my brain and heart of the many emotions and directions it's taking right now. It's neither a frantic manic or depressive outlet. My mind is very clear and calm despite the many things on it. This seems to be the problem. I guess normally I have a specific direction or purpose for my writing and tonight I just need to write. I can't focus my attention enough to delve into work related material and mindless articles and videos can't hold me for longer than 10 seconds. I feel like I'm trying to write for someone else instead of just releasing and seeing where it takes me. I haven't written in a very long time. I'm scared of exactly what it will release and what emotions will overwhelm me. My life is relatively together right now and without caution and control and routine, I could lose it all. It's been my pattern for so many years. I'm afraid that if I open the pandora box of emotion, it will be a short enough trip from there. Now anyone reading this may think that if it's that short of a trip, then it's probably not as together I as perceive it to be. The select few that are more in tune with who I am and my history and my conditions may be kinder in their judgement. The fact of the matter is I don't really care anymore what people perceive and what their opinions are of my life. And for the first time in 27 years, I think I finally mean that statement.
My group has significantly decreased in size. Not only the amount of people I allow in, but the sheer quantity of people I associate with on a day to day basis. As a previously "social butterfly" I have mixed feelings on this truth. I could walk you through all my these emotions, instead I will summarize with the positive and inevitable decisions about this situation that I've come to. I am growing up. I am realizing the sad reality that most people can not and do not have a numerous amount of true friends and confidants as we would all like to think. Now this logic has been there my entire life, I guess the actual realization of it just didn't follow until recently. I've found that while the core knowledge of situations is something I excel in, my own comprehension and feelings do not fall in line. The thought process "well it's different because it's me" has been a recurring theme in my many downfalls. And knowing that fact and accepting it is not only a giant relief, with some sadness, but also a huge step in the right direction. In my not so humble, as it would seem, opinion. I write this with little emotion attached for a few reasons. As I previously stated, I am of a clear mind as I write. Secondly, acceptance of realities tend to take emotions away. Once you can accept something the tirade of emotion that came along with the uncertainty goes away. I'm not saying I'm void of emotion, there's emotion in every drop of my psyche, in every aspect of everything I do, even when it seems as though I have closed off. I close off to protect myself, to shut down, to avoid actually dealing with things, or to take a break from the exhausting roller coaster that is I. Take your pick. Sometimes it's all of these things. And sometimes it's simply because I know that if I allow the emotions to make my decisions, as opposed to the logic, I will fail. Sometimes the logic is completely right. The emotions cloud judgement, skew perspective, and ultimately end up destroying things. My emotions, and probably everyone else's, are an incredibly powerful entity. The passion, the influence, the raw power of emotions are an intensely great awing concept. Emotions, while they make up a great deal of "who I am," have destroyed me at every turn. So even though I know I will not succeed, it would seem as though the correct, most prudent course of action would be to attempt to live with little emotion. Now, understand I loathe that logic. Emotions drive us, empower us, allow us to breathe and live and know what true life is all about. They are the sole reason to awake in the morning, for without feeling, what is anything truly worth? Emotions are also what drive us insane, cause us pain and anxiety, allow us to open ourselves to the inevitable hurt and suffering. They also allow us to open ourselves to love and truth and beauty. Love, truth, and beauty are dwindling in the world and in humanity. We have lost sight of what is truly important. And when that occurs, generations need only one great emotional voice. No one thinks about what that voice endures though. I am not that voice. I cannot be that voice any longer. I must turn off the essence of what creates my individuality in order to survive this chaos known as life. I must do so or I will not last. That is just a fact. Compassion is a beautiful thing, but it slowly kills you. Empathy weakens. Generosity takes so much away. Romantics only live happily ever after in fairy tales and the rare occasional true life story. I cannot be that way any longer. It will only kill me.
My group has significantly decreased in size. Not only the amount of people I allow in, but the sheer quantity of people I associate with on a day to day basis. As a previously "social butterfly" I have mixed feelings on this truth. I could walk you through all my these emotions, instead I will summarize with the positive and inevitable decisions about this situation that I've come to. I am growing up. I am realizing the sad reality that most people can not and do not have a numerous amount of true friends and confidants as we would all like to think. Now this logic has been there my entire life, I guess the actual realization of it just didn't follow until recently. I've found that while the core knowledge of situations is something I excel in, my own comprehension and feelings do not fall in line. The thought process "well it's different because it's me" has been a recurring theme in my many downfalls. And knowing that fact and accepting it is not only a giant relief, with some sadness, but also a huge step in the right direction. In my not so humble, as it would seem, opinion. I write this with little emotion attached for a few reasons. As I previously stated, I am of a clear mind as I write. Secondly, acceptance of realities tend to take emotions away. Once you can accept something the tirade of emotion that came along with the uncertainty goes away. I'm not saying I'm void of emotion, there's emotion in every drop of my psyche, in every aspect of everything I do, even when it seems as though I have closed off. I close off to protect myself, to shut down, to avoid actually dealing with things, or to take a break from the exhausting roller coaster that is I. Take your pick. Sometimes it's all of these things. And sometimes it's simply because I know that if I allow the emotions to make my decisions, as opposed to the logic, I will fail. Sometimes the logic is completely right. The emotions cloud judgement, skew perspective, and ultimately end up destroying things. My emotions, and probably everyone else's, are an incredibly powerful entity. The passion, the influence, the raw power of emotions are an intensely great awing concept. Emotions, while they make up a great deal of "who I am," have destroyed me at every turn. So even though I know I will not succeed, it would seem as though the correct, most prudent course of action would be to attempt to live with little emotion. Now, understand I loathe that logic. Emotions drive us, empower us, allow us to breathe and live and know what true life is all about. They are the sole reason to awake in the morning, for without feeling, what is anything truly worth? Emotions are also what drive us insane, cause us pain and anxiety, allow us to open ourselves to the inevitable hurt and suffering. They also allow us to open ourselves to love and truth and beauty. Love, truth, and beauty are dwindling in the world and in humanity. We have lost sight of what is truly important. And when that occurs, generations need only one great emotional voice. No one thinks about what that voice endures though. I am not that voice. I cannot be that voice any longer. I must turn off the essence of what creates my individuality in order to survive this chaos known as life. I must do so or I will not last. That is just a fact. Compassion is a beautiful thing, but it slowly kills you. Empathy weakens. Generosity takes so much away. Romantics only live happily ever after in fairy tales and the rare occasional true life story. I cannot be that way any longer. It will only kill me.