Caffeinated Notions
“There is no time to worry in life. Therefore there are only two things you should worry about, whether you are sick or well. If you are well, there is nothing to worry about. If you are sick there are only two things to worry about, whether you shall live, or whether you shall die. If you shall live there is nothing to worry about. If you shall die, there are only two things to worry about, whether you go to heaven or whether you go to hell. If you are going to heaven there is nothing to worry about. If you are going to hell, you’ll be too busy shaking hands with all your friends to have any time to worry.”
Ah if this were as easy as it sounded. I wish I was one of those carefree, barefoot hippies that didn’t let anything bother them. Unfortunately it is in my nature to worry about everything, even when I let it go. I suppose it’s my control freak nature. Which I partially blame on my energetic, over-caffeinated, loquacious ways. The other part I’m convinced is just in my genes. C’mon, have you met my family?
It is becoming harder and harder to stick to my guns on my decisions. Is it worth it? Is being up here really worth it? Cause if not, well, why bother? Ya know what I mean? Why not be at home, where family and friends are, even with all my burnt bridges and enemies. Sure, the job is great. The money will eventually take care of what I need, but to deal with the home environment? I thought I was a rollercoaster, but this is ridiculous. Great one day, screaming the next. It’s exhausting! Oh yes, let me take this point in the writing to apologize to all those who dealt with my extreme bipolar-ness and ocd. Now I know what being on the other side of that is. How did you all stand me? I couldn’t have done it. I would have punched someone.
Christmas is right around the corner and all I want for Christmas is to be home with my family. I’m looking forward to kicking it with the friends that are there, but the greatest excitement for me is to see Mom, Dad, Daniel, Nana, Granddad, and all the rest. The huge Seratte family Christmas is being held in Norman, so I’ll get to see the big part of the family too! Yes’s!
And again, this is a bittersweet thing for me. Point one; coming back to Boston will be the hardest thing in the entire world. Two, I won’t be able to see a cousin of mine, due to situations out of my control that still sadden me immensely. Listen, I get that what happened was a horrible thing. I get that it’s difficult to forgive, accept, and even deal with all together. But banishing them from Christmas? That’s utterly ridiculous. Asking them to be apart of a different family they haven’t been around in years, just because you don’t want to deal with it? And what’s more is it’s a complete double standard. I was worse. I did worse to all of you, and I’m still welcome. We welcomed her into our family. Is it because I’ve been there longer? Or merely because you can throw her into a different family and pretend she never existed? Family is family. And the fact that I’m the one sticking up for her is ridiculous. We weren’t even that close. In fact, there was a time, a long, long time in which we very much disliked one another. And then we grew up. So once again, family is family. Through and through. No matter what. I wasn’t there. I don’t know the whole situation. I get it. But it’s still no excuse.
I am so lucky to be a part of the family I am. The enormous, loving, awesome family that is still close no matter how far away. The family I couldn’t live without, that has supported me no matter what. The family that has no problem with getting in your face and telling you to shape up. The family that calls and worries, loves and comforts, no matter what. This is true unconditional love. And what’s more, is that’s how my friends are too. Constantly checking in on you, keeping ties, hundreds of miles away, waiting for you to get it right. I cannot thank anyone enough for being placed in this crazy dysfunctional loving family. I am truly blessed. Without it, I’m not sure I would know what unconditional love was.
As the weeks go on, I am discovering more and more about myself. Some of them are exciting, and I love it! Some of them, not so much. You ever get to that point where you realize all those things you always knew you would do as a child, those things that are just ingrained in you, dreams, goals, having a family, being married by x age, finishing school by x age, settling down, big house, wrap around porch, living in x place, those things? And then you get to that point when it just hits you that maybe, possibly, probably, that’s totally not going to happen to you? And you want it, you still long for it, but maybe it won’t? Maybe that’s not your path? Maybe you’ve just taken too many wrong turns, made horrendous decisions, created this new life that makes you wake up and go “hey, wait a minute, this isn’t what I wanted!” Yup. I’m there. But it’s not necessarily all bad. And then there are some things, some irreplaceable things that you still desperately cling to. In a so not healthy for you way. That’s when the balanced, carefree, barefoot, hippie personality is desired. The “if it’s meant to be it will happen” notion that you grasp for. That’s when you start wishing you hadn’t drank so much coffee this morning.
Alright, well my rant is complete. I love and miss you all. I look forward to hearing from you all. And more importantly, it’s only 28 days till Christmas! So get ready, because I’m coming home!!!! Quite possibly for good.
-Heather Kay
Ah if this were as easy as it sounded. I wish I was one of those carefree, barefoot hippies that didn’t let anything bother them. Unfortunately it is in my nature to worry about everything, even when I let it go. I suppose it’s my control freak nature. Which I partially blame on my energetic, over-caffeinated, loquacious ways. The other part I’m convinced is just in my genes. C’mon, have you met my family?
It is becoming harder and harder to stick to my guns on my decisions. Is it worth it? Is being up here really worth it? Cause if not, well, why bother? Ya know what I mean? Why not be at home, where family and friends are, even with all my burnt bridges and enemies. Sure, the job is great. The money will eventually take care of what I need, but to deal with the home environment? I thought I was a rollercoaster, but this is ridiculous. Great one day, screaming the next. It’s exhausting! Oh yes, let me take this point in the writing to apologize to all those who dealt with my extreme bipolar-ness and ocd. Now I know what being on the other side of that is. How did you all stand me? I couldn’t have done it. I would have punched someone.
Christmas is right around the corner and all I want for Christmas is to be home with my family. I’m looking forward to kicking it with the friends that are there, but the greatest excitement for me is to see Mom, Dad, Daniel, Nana, Granddad, and all the rest. The huge Seratte family Christmas is being held in Norman, so I’ll get to see the big part of the family too! Yes’s!
And again, this is a bittersweet thing for me. Point one; coming back to Boston will be the hardest thing in the entire world. Two, I won’t be able to see a cousin of mine, due to situations out of my control that still sadden me immensely. Listen, I get that what happened was a horrible thing. I get that it’s difficult to forgive, accept, and even deal with all together. But banishing them from Christmas? That’s utterly ridiculous. Asking them to be apart of a different family they haven’t been around in years, just because you don’t want to deal with it? And what’s more is it’s a complete double standard. I was worse. I did worse to all of you, and I’m still welcome. We welcomed her into our family. Is it because I’ve been there longer? Or merely because you can throw her into a different family and pretend she never existed? Family is family. And the fact that I’m the one sticking up for her is ridiculous. We weren’t even that close. In fact, there was a time, a long, long time in which we very much disliked one another. And then we grew up. So once again, family is family. Through and through. No matter what. I wasn’t there. I don’t know the whole situation. I get it. But it’s still no excuse.
I am so lucky to be a part of the family I am. The enormous, loving, awesome family that is still close no matter how far away. The family I couldn’t live without, that has supported me no matter what. The family that has no problem with getting in your face and telling you to shape up. The family that calls and worries, loves and comforts, no matter what. This is true unconditional love. And what’s more, is that’s how my friends are too. Constantly checking in on you, keeping ties, hundreds of miles away, waiting for you to get it right. I cannot thank anyone enough for being placed in this crazy dysfunctional loving family. I am truly blessed. Without it, I’m not sure I would know what unconditional love was.
As the weeks go on, I am discovering more and more about myself. Some of them are exciting, and I love it! Some of them, not so much. You ever get to that point where you realize all those things you always knew you would do as a child, those things that are just ingrained in you, dreams, goals, having a family, being married by x age, finishing school by x age, settling down, big house, wrap around porch, living in x place, those things? And then you get to that point when it just hits you that maybe, possibly, probably, that’s totally not going to happen to you? And you want it, you still long for it, but maybe it won’t? Maybe that’s not your path? Maybe you’ve just taken too many wrong turns, made horrendous decisions, created this new life that makes you wake up and go “hey, wait a minute, this isn’t what I wanted!” Yup. I’m there. But it’s not necessarily all bad. And then there are some things, some irreplaceable things that you still desperately cling to. In a so not healthy for you way. That’s when the balanced, carefree, barefoot, hippie personality is desired. The “if it’s meant to be it will happen” notion that you grasp for. That’s when you start wishing you hadn’t drank so much coffee this morning.
Alright, well my rant is complete. I love and miss you all. I look forward to hearing from you all. And more importantly, it’s only 28 days till Christmas! So get ready, because I’m coming home!!!! Quite possibly for good.
-Heather Kay