Ranting
I cant take it anymore, it's all so pointless. I keep trying, even making the least effort possible to guard my own heart and I keep running into the same dilemma. A love that for some reason or another, I can't have. I believe in these "Loves..." that others may be feeling for me. But I strongly question weather or not I love in return. For me to love something it has to be a constant, a staple in my day, something that is almost always available to me. Now I don't expect things to always be available, but at least we could pretend. At least I can imagine that somewhere they are thinking about me. I keep running into this word, for one reason or another, and "Oh how much I deserve"... And I'm thinking to myself these days, I don't really give a fuck. These so called loves that keep hounding me, are so unavailable and so unattached I cant even feel it... And so what if when we're together everything is perfect, what does that have to do, with "showers and cuss words." Everything is built up to be so perfect and so amazing, and all I really want is something real. Something tangible, someone I can touch... Something that is there no matter what... And nothing is able to give that. Not a single thing. I am always alone, with the women that love me, haunting my every action, my every thought, and my soul feels as though it's being strung from one end of the world to the other, and me at the center starting to be strung out as well. I'm learning the hard way, that nothing is permanent and the relationships we build with one another are always gonna be the product of a great chase, for something neither of us may want at one time or another. It hurts, it all hurts, it's all so complicated and it's destroying what little bit passion I used to feel for the other gender. None of this how I ever thought it would be, just one mess after another, and people dropping the soul mate words left and right. I don't even know what it means to be a soul mate anymore, and all the movies and songs that evoked feelings of that, seem so uninspiring these days. It's like whatever happened to love notes and poetry, and am I the only one left writing them. About this girl, I don't think I'll ever meet. Even if when I'm not looking for her. Maybe I was just intended to inspire others to believe in something that was never meant for me.