Happy Birthday
Christin, 3/21/2007
You’ve been gone for a year now. Losing you has completely changed my life in so many ways. I’ve been thinking about today for weeks now, and I have no idea what to say or do in a situation like this. There are so many things that I wish I would have told you. I guess I find some comfort in telling you now and convincing myself that you hear me and you know what I’m trying to say. But the truth is, I have so many regrets. I wish you knew exactly how much I love you and how much you and your family’s generosity meant to me. There are so many “thank you”s and “I’m sorry”s that I can never be sure you understand. To this day, I don’t know exactly what happened to take you from us, and I probably will never know. It doesn’t really matter anyway, because nothing I can say, do or find out with ever bring you back. I hate thinking that there may have been something I could have said or done that could have changed everything. Dan and I are engaged to be married in late 2008. It kills me to think about how much I want you there beside me on the most important day of my life. Our band is doing well. I’ve wanted to write a song for you for so long, but I just can’t seem to get it out. I wrote one based on you when you were still here. It was about the lifestyle you were adopting and how I didn’t want you to head in that direction. A direction, I think, that led you to your final days. I can’t help but feel guilty at times because I saw bad things on the horizon and I handled it like an idiot. I feel like I failed you because I couldn’t find the guts to really let you know how genuinely worried I was about you and how unhappy I was with the choices you were making.
The bottom line is that I miss you more than anyone I have lost in my life. There are so many things that remind me of you. When I listen to the songs we sang together they still make me cry. Bratz Dolls, Ramen nood-os, Chicken McNugglets, flat irons, Miller Lite, Smirnoff vodka, and late night Sally parties with boxed wine and go fish. . . When I drive down roads like 143rd or 104th Ave I can’t help but get a little choked up. I can’t even look at the neighborhood where Auntie Monica used to live. I miss your poetry. I miss your big blue eyes. I miss your hugs and hearing your voice when you told me you “yove” me. I miss warm summer nights driving with the windows down, sticking our feet out singing “When you feel embarrassed, I’ll be your pride, when you need direction, I’ll be the guide, for all time. All time.”
I love you so much.
I miss you so much.
Happy Birthday.
Love, forever and always
Brooke
Lauren and I went to St Judes today to light a candle for her and to have a moment. I didn't think it would be as hard as it was. I cried a lot. When we left it was raining, but just above the church, the clouds opened up into the shape of a heart. . . it was amazing. I got a couple pix on my phone.
Amazing