evaluation.
i truly believe that there never can be a time in my life when everything is fine. i complicate things to the extreme, and i don't know why.
example. three months ago, i hated work. people on my staff caused me such frustration, and no one respected my opinions. now, i just got my acceptance letter today saying that they have rehired my to be an RA for next year. i am so happy with work, with my staff, and with my girls. i can't wait for next year and to see what happens.
school is fine. i am enjoying my classes and doing relatively well in all of them. what is different than last semeseter is the fact that i am actually trying to comprehend the material i learn; not just memorize it for a test and be done with it. i'm hoping for a 3.6 or higher this term.
with all that said, friends in my life are shitty right now. i miss everyone. a lot. i have three worlds: the chico one, the sacramento one, and the ones i wish i talked to as much as i used to but never get to because they have their own life.
my chico friends... are lame. the three closest ones i feel don't even care that i'm upset. i really dont like that people only fucking care when you are in tears... i shouldn't have to cry to get your attention. i realize that nobody's perfect, and i am so lucky to have these three people in my life because they are such amazing people, but i can only be neglected so much. before i sound like im feeling sorry for myself, let me explain. throughout my life, i have always been the one who is there for my friends. no matter what. i support those who i care about in any means... emotionally, financially, transportation, food, venting sessions, whatever someone needs. i do this because that is what a friend does. i don't expect anything back in return, except for the demonstration of appreciation. to me this is common sense, but after years of people screwing me over and disrespecting me, i don't know how much more i can take. sure i can just not care, not stress, and enjoy the time i have with these people, but when they hurt me more than make me happy, i just don't know if it's worth it.
as for my friends back home. i just wish i still was there. i have missed out on so much, and feel stranded without a car and no way to see everyone. i can't tell you how much i appreciate everyone coming to see me, and i hope more visits happen. it just is hard when you feel like your life is in two places. i know everyone makes an effort to talk to me, but i seriously think if i don't respond one time, then people give up and forget about me altogether. i need something beyond the "i love you i miss you" messages. don't get me wrong, it means a lot that you all feel that way, but sometimes it just makes me sad because it reminds me of how i can't change anything.
i cause the majority of this pain and frustration on myself, but i don't know what to do. my body feels empty and incomplete. i constantly want to cry at random moments of the day. and the worst part is... nobody understands.
example. three months ago, i hated work. people on my staff caused me such frustration, and no one respected my opinions. now, i just got my acceptance letter today saying that they have rehired my to be an RA for next year. i am so happy with work, with my staff, and with my girls. i can't wait for next year and to see what happens.
school is fine. i am enjoying my classes and doing relatively well in all of them. what is different than last semeseter is the fact that i am actually trying to comprehend the material i learn; not just memorize it for a test and be done with it. i'm hoping for a 3.6 or higher this term.
with all that said, friends in my life are shitty right now. i miss everyone. a lot. i have three worlds: the chico one, the sacramento one, and the ones i wish i talked to as much as i used to but never get to because they have their own life.
my chico friends... are lame. the three closest ones i feel don't even care that i'm upset. i really dont like that people only fucking care when you are in tears... i shouldn't have to cry to get your attention. i realize that nobody's perfect, and i am so lucky to have these three people in my life because they are such amazing people, but i can only be neglected so much. before i sound like im feeling sorry for myself, let me explain. throughout my life, i have always been the one who is there for my friends. no matter what. i support those who i care about in any means... emotionally, financially, transportation, food, venting sessions, whatever someone needs. i do this because that is what a friend does. i don't expect anything back in return, except for the demonstration of appreciation. to me this is common sense, but after years of people screwing me over and disrespecting me, i don't know how much more i can take. sure i can just not care, not stress, and enjoy the time i have with these people, but when they hurt me more than make me happy, i just don't know if it's worth it.
as for my friends back home. i just wish i still was there. i have missed out on so much, and feel stranded without a car and no way to see everyone. i can't tell you how much i appreciate everyone coming to see me, and i hope more visits happen. it just is hard when you feel like your life is in two places. i know everyone makes an effort to talk to me, but i seriously think if i don't respond one time, then people give up and forget about me altogether. i need something beyond the "i love you i miss you" messages. don't get me wrong, it means a lot that you all feel that way, but sometimes it just makes me sad because it reminds me of how i can't change anything.
i cause the majority of this pain and frustration on myself, but i don't know what to do. my body feels empty and incomplete. i constantly want to cry at random moments of the day. and the worst part is... nobody understands.