Ficlet: The Incredible Xander
Our external central heating boiler blew up today, sending a jet of scalding water across the back garden, and now we have no hot water or radiators and will be thousands of pounds poorer shortly unless the house insurance covers it. If I ever manage to get past their insane automated phone menu system and get through to someone I can ask, that is… The good news is that a plumber came straight away, the new boiler has already been delivered, and the installation will be completed tomorrow.
I’ve been continuing my attempts to write a story that will guarantee my victory in next year’s Cross-Over Awards at ‘Twisting the Hellmouth’ by appealing to the Super!Xander mob. Yet again I’ve completely failed to take the project seriously and the XanderZone people might not be too thrilled with the result. This time Xander’s Halloween costume is a superhero of matchless physical power but perhaps not the sharpest knife in the box. Featuring a pairing that I doubt if anyone else has ever come up with… Starts during the Season 2 episode ‘Halloween’ and continues through Seasons 3 to 5. Rating R, exactly 2,000 words.
The Incredible Xander
Ethan raised his eyebrows as he looked at the pitifully small amount of change in the young man’s hand. “That’s not very much,” he said. “It’s not even enough to cover the cost of cleaning the costume on return, still less to make me any profit on the deal.” He saw the boy’s face fall and he assumed a kindly smile. “However, young man, I hate to let anyone go away disappointed. I’ll tell you what. For that, I’ll give you a pot of green body-paint and a pair of trousers that were returned to me in damaged condition.”
Xander frowned. “Green paint and a pair of ripped pants? What kind…” Realization dawned on him and the frown was replaced by a beaming smile. “Wow! That is so cool. Thanks. Thanks a lot.” He handed over his money, took the items, and left the shop.
“Oh, don’t thank me, dear boy,” Ethan said, after Xander was out of earshot. “I’ll be amply repaid by the amount of devastation you’ll do. I think, however, that I’d better set up for the spell somewhere rather further away than I’d originally planned. Somewhere well out of harm’s way. Cape Town, perhaps, or Vladivostok.”
- - - - -
Xander leapt over a building. The earth shook with the impact as he landed. “Hulk smash!” he roared. He seized a Sasquatch that was pursuing Cordelia, drew back his arm, and sent it hurtling through the air to crash down four hundred yards away.
“Thanks,” Cordelia gasped. She ran her fingers through her hair and took a deep breath. “That’s the second time you’ve saved me. I made you an offer the first time, and you just brushed me off, probably ‘cause you were just too dumb to understand. This time I’ll spell it out real plain in words of one syllable. You can date me. We can make out. Capisce?”
“Hulk smash,” Xander grunted. He took off in a flying leap and landed on the roof of a house. Tiles shattered, others were dislodged and rained down into the street, and from inside the house came cries of alarm. Xander stared around for a moment and then jumped again. He landed on top of a vampire, smashing it to the ground, and then bent and ripped off its head. It crumbled to dust.
Cordelia rolled her eyes. “That proves it. Xander Harris is the dumbest male on the planet.”
- - - - -
“I didn’t break the spell,” Giles admitted. “Ethan must have cast it from somewhere outside Sunnydale. I was unable to locate the statue that must be shattered before the effects can be purged. It simply ran its course and expired.”
“I nearly got killed,” Buffy said. “If Xander the Hulk hadn’t shown up and thrown Spike into the middle of next week he’d have eaten me. Thank goodness it’s over.”
“I’m afraid it’s not that simple,” Giles said. “As the spell was not broken it will recur. Next Halloween you will all be afflicted once more.”
“I’ll have to choose a better costume next time,” Buffy said. “Xena, maybe.”
Giles shook his head. “It is this year’s costume that will determine who you become,” he said. “You will be an Eighteenth-century noblewoman, Willow will be a ghost, and the children will again turn into vampires and demons rampaging through the streets.”
“Oh, great,” Buffy said. “I’ll be all with the simpering and fainting and not able to do anything to stop them.”
“Indeed,” Giles said, “and Xander’s situation is much worse. Because of the Hulk’s unique affliction he will be affected at all times, not just Halloween.”
“At all times? So he’ll be all with the green, and the ripped pants, and the ‘Hulk smash!’, and the muscles?”
“Not all the time,” Giles said, “but he will suffer from the curse of Bruce Banner. Whenever he feels rage the beast will break free. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.”
- - - - -
“Sorry, Buff, I’m too scared to be angry,” Xander confessed.
Buffy looked up at the Mayor, now an enormous snake demon towering over them, and gulped. “Crap. The whole plan was based on you turning into the Hulk and now you can’t do it?”
“Sorry,” Xander said again.
Buffy’s eyes gleamed. “Cordy,” she called, “give me a hand here, would you?”
“Sure thing,” Cordelia assented. “So, Xander, you’re being a waste of space as usual. Just what I’d expect from a loser.”
“What’s that?”
“You heard me. Loser. Jerk. Dumbass. Zeppo. Useless waste of space with an exciting career behind a fast food counter ahead of you.”
Xander’s jaw tightened. “Hey, what’s with the insults?”
“Insults? I’m just telling it like it is,” Cordelia said. “You dress like a visually-challenged hobo, you smell like a garbage dump, and you have the brains of a squirrel.”
Xander’s lips curled back. “Stop it,” he growled.
“I haven’t even started, Zeppo,” Cordelia sneered. “You have the charisma of a dead skunk and the sex appeal of a slug. You…” She stopped her tirade as Xander’s skin turned green.
Muscles bulged. Cloth ripped as Xander burst out of his shirt. “Hulk smash!” he bellowed. Cordelia hid behind a chair. Xander’s eyes fell on the gigantic snake demon that had been the Mayor and he charged to the attack. His graduation gown billowed behind him as he seized the snake, ripped off its lower jaw, and then began to tie it in knots.
“Okay,” Buffy said, “it looks like Xander has things under control. We can start in on the vampires now.”
Cordelia emerged from behind the chair. “Did Mayor Wilkins eat Snyder, just before Xander changed, or was I imagining that part?”
“Nope, it really happened,” Buffy said, grinning. “Pretty much a win-win situation.”
- - - - -
“We should be brothers,” Adam said. “We are both stronger than humans, both indestructible, and both green. Join with me and destroy all those who would oppose us.”
“Hulk confused,” Xander replied, scratching his head.
“I shall do the thinking for both of us,” Adam said. “Follow me, friend, and indulge your passion for destruction. First, crush the Slayer.”
“Hulk smash!” Xander roared. He punched Adam and sent the cyborg crashing into the wall.
Adam lunged with his Polgara demon spike. The bony weapon shattered on Xander’s skin.
“Hulk crush ugly monster,” Xander growled. He tore off Adam’s arm and hit him with it. Adam struck back but achieved nothing. He frowned and activated one of his mechanisms. His remaining arm transformed into a built-in mini-gun and he opened fire.
The bullets bounced off Xander’s green skin with no effect other than to make the Hulk roar louder. Xander advanced, grabbed the gun, and crushed it into a solid mass of metal. He punched Adam again, breaking bone, and then began to rip the construct apart.
“This is not logical!” Adam protested. “I am perfection. How can I lose to a mere beast?”
“Hulk always win,” Xander declared. “Hulk smash!”
- - - - -
Glory and the Hulk traded blows. They were evenly matched for strength, both of them were virtually indestructible, and the fight was becoming a stalemate.
“This is pointless,” Glory said eventually. She lowered her hands. “I can’t beat you and you can’t beat me.”
“Hulk smash,” Xander said, but he followed her example and lowered his fists.
Glory tilted her head to one side and looked at him. “You know, you’re kinda handsome,” she said. She stepped over the corpse of Jinx, who had got in the way of one of the Hulk’s punches and become collateral damage, and slowly extended a hand. She stroked the Hulk’s bicep and smiled. “You sure have some serious muscle there, green guy,” she said. “You know, you’re the first guy I’ve met on this pathetic planet who could give me any competition. It’s kind of a turn-on.” She batted her eyes. “Maybe we could find better things to do than fight.”
Xander frowned. “Evil goddess pretty,” he conceded.
“Damn right, Hulk,” Glory said. She licked her lips. “I get the feeling subtlety would just go right over your head, so, I’ll get straight to the point. Wanna fuck?”
Xander grinned broadly. “Hulk fuck!”
- - - - -
The bed creaked and groaned as the two powerful beings writhed in a passionate embrace. Glory’s fingers dug into the Hulk’s broad back and her legs wrapped around his waist in a grip that would have instantly killed any mere human.
“I’m coming!” Glory gasped. “Oh, me, me! Glory, Glory, hallelujah! Oh! Oh! Ohhhhhhhh!”
“Hulk come!” Xander thrust away with redoubled speed. “Ugh! Hulk come!” The mighty muscles in his buttocks clenched as he gave one final thrust, groaned, and then uttered a deep sigh.
Glory tossed her head, giggled, and then clamped her lips to Xander’s. She kissed him, with surprising gentleness, and her legs loosened their grip on his waist. “Oh, that was good,” she said. “Wow, good and double good.”
“Hulk enjoy,” Xander said. “Fucking pretty Hell-goddess make Hulk feel nice.” He withdrew from Glory and moved to lie beside her.
“Yeah, that’s about the best thing that’s happened to me since I got kicked out of my home dimension,” Glory said. “Hmm. Maybe I could take you home with me once I find my Key. Or, if I don’t find it, having you as a boyfriend might make up for being stuck on this shitty planet. Although I’d have to find a way to…” A panicked expression began to spread over her face. “No! Not now! Stop! You can’t…”
The green of Xander’s skin was fading. His muscles shrank slightly. “What’s wrong?” he asked, his voice less deep than the Hulk’s mighty rumble.
Glory didn’t notice. “Noooo!” she wailed, and then suddenly she was gone. In her place was a man.
Ben stared at Xander and his mouth fell open. “What the hell?” he gasped.
Xander glared back. His green tint deepened and his muscles swelled up once more. “Where Glory?” he demanded. “What puny man done with pretty goddess?”
“Who the hell are you?” Ben asked. “In fact, what the hell are you? What’s Glory been doing? Were you actually screwing her?”
“You take goddess away,” Xander growled. “That make Hulk mad. Give Glory back or Hulk smash.” He got down from the bed and stood up, towering over Ben, and clenched his fists.
“I didn’t take her away,” Ben said. “She just can’t be here at the same time as me, that’s all.”
“Hah!” Xander grunted. “Me send you away, she come back. Hulk smash!” He plucked Ben from the bed and hurled him away. Directly at the window.
The glass shattered. Ben soared out into the air, screaming, and then gravity took over. Glory’s apartment was a penthouse suite and Ben plummeted four floors to the ground.
Xander grinned. “Now pretty goddess come back,” he said. “We fuck more.” He stared at the bed. “Goddess not back! Puny man lie to Hulk. Hulk smash puny man.” He ripped the bedclothes aside, pouted, and lifted up the bed to peer underneath. No Glory. Xander snarled, picked up the bed, and tossed it out of the window.
It landed on what was left of Ben.
- - - - -
“I’m gonna need to wash my brain out with soap,” Xander said.
“I’ll do that for you,” Anya said, “after I rip it out of your skull. You boinked Glory!”
“The Hulk boinked Glory,” Xander protested. “I didn’t have a whole lot of choice.” He screwed up his mouth. “And then Glory turned into Ben. Eww.”
“Glory was Ben,” Buffy said. “Ben was Glory.”
“And Ben’s dead,” Willow said. “So Glory’s dead too.”
“Ding, dong, the bitch is dead,” said Spike. “Didn’t think you had it in you, Harris.” He smirked. “Lucky she didn’t change a minute earlier, innit? Or you’d have had it in…”
“Don’t say it!” Xander clapped his hand over Spike’s mouth. “I’m turning green and it’s nothing to do with the Hulk. I feel sick.”
“Glory’s dead, Dawn’s safe,” Buffy said. “Thank you, Xander.”
“Well done, Xander,” Giles added.
“Yeah,” said Spike. “That was… fucking brilliant!”
The End
I’ve been continuing my attempts to write a story that will guarantee my victory in next year’s Cross-Over Awards at ‘Twisting the Hellmouth’ by appealing to the Super!Xander mob. Yet again I’ve completely failed to take the project seriously and the XanderZone people might not be too thrilled with the result. This time Xander’s Halloween costume is a superhero of matchless physical power but perhaps not the sharpest knife in the box. Featuring a pairing that I doubt if anyone else has ever come up with… Starts during the Season 2 episode ‘Halloween’ and continues through Seasons 3 to 5. Rating R, exactly 2,000 words.
The Incredible Xander
Ethan raised his eyebrows as he looked at the pitifully small amount of change in the young man’s hand. “That’s not very much,” he said. “It’s not even enough to cover the cost of cleaning the costume on return, still less to make me any profit on the deal.” He saw the boy’s face fall and he assumed a kindly smile. “However, young man, I hate to let anyone go away disappointed. I’ll tell you what. For that, I’ll give you a pot of green body-paint and a pair of trousers that were returned to me in damaged condition.”
Xander frowned. “Green paint and a pair of ripped pants? What kind…” Realization dawned on him and the frown was replaced by a beaming smile. “Wow! That is so cool. Thanks. Thanks a lot.” He handed over his money, took the items, and left the shop.
“Oh, don’t thank me, dear boy,” Ethan said, after Xander was out of earshot. “I’ll be amply repaid by the amount of devastation you’ll do. I think, however, that I’d better set up for the spell somewhere rather further away than I’d originally planned. Somewhere well out of harm’s way. Cape Town, perhaps, or Vladivostok.”
- - - - -
Xander leapt over a building. The earth shook with the impact as he landed. “Hulk smash!” he roared. He seized a Sasquatch that was pursuing Cordelia, drew back his arm, and sent it hurtling through the air to crash down four hundred yards away.
“Thanks,” Cordelia gasped. She ran her fingers through her hair and took a deep breath. “That’s the second time you’ve saved me. I made you an offer the first time, and you just brushed me off, probably ‘cause you were just too dumb to understand. This time I’ll spell it out real plain in words of one syllable. You can date me. We can make out. Capisce?”
“Hulk smash,” Xander grunted. He took off in a flying leap and landed on the roof of a house. Tiles shattered, others were dislodged and rained down into the street, and from inside the house came cries of alarm. Xander stared around for a moment and then jumped again. He landed on top of a vampire, smashing it to the ground, and then bent and ripped off its head. It crumbled to dust.
Cordelia rolled her eyes. “That proves it. Xander Harris is the dumbest male on the planet.”
- - - - -
“I didn’t break the spell,” Giles admitted. “Ethan must have cast it from somewhere outside Sunnydale. I was unable to locate the statue that must be shattered before the effects can be purged. It simply ran its course and expired.”
“I nearly got killed,” Buffy said. “If Xander the Hulk hadn’t shown up and thrown Spike into the middle of next week he’d have eaten me. Thank goodness it’s over.”
“I’m afraid it’s not that simple,” Giles said. “As the spell was not broken it will recur. Next Halloween you will all be afflicted once more.”
“I’ll have to choose a better costume next time,” Buffy said. “Xena, maybe.”
Giles shook his head. “It is this year’s costume that will determine who you become,” he said. “You will be an Eighteenth-century noblewoman, Willow will be a ghost, and the children will again turn into vampires and demons rampaging through the streets.”
“Oh, great,” Buffy said. “I’ll be all with the simpering and fainting and not able to do anything to stop them.”
“Indeed,” Giles said, “and Xander’s situation is much worse. Because of the Hulk’s unique affliction he will be affected at all times, not just Halloween.”
“At all times? So he’ll be all with the green, and the ripped pants, and the ‘Hulk smash!’, and the muscles?”
“Not all the time,” Giles said, “but he will suffer from the curse of Bruce Banner. Whenever he feels rage the beast will break free. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.”
- - - - -
“Sorry, Buff, I’m too scared to be angry,” Xander confessed.
Buffy looked up at the Mayor, now an enormous snake demon towering over them, and gulped. “Crap. The whole plan was based on you turning into the Hulk and now you can’t do it?”
“Sorry,” Xander said again.
Buffy’s eyes gleamed. “Cordy,” she called, “give me a hand here, would you?”
“Sure thing,” Cordelia assented. “So, Xander, you’re being a waste of space as usual. Just what I’d expect from a loser.”
“What’s that?”
“You heard me. Loser. Jerk. Dumbass. Zeppo. Useless waste of space with an exciting career behind a fast food counter ahead of you.”
Xander’s jaw tightened. “Hey, what’s with the insults?”
“Insults? I’m just telling it like it is,” Cordelia said. “You dress like a visually-challenged hobo, you smell like a garbage dump, and you have the brains of a squirrel.”
Xander’s lips curled back. “Stop it,” he growled.
“I haven’t even started, Zeppo,” Cordelia sneered. “You have the charisma of a dead skunk and the sex appeal of a slug. You…” She stopped her tirade as Xander’s skin turned green.
Muscles bulged. Cloth ripped as Xander burst out of his shirt. “Hulk smash!” he bellowed. Cordelia hid behind a chair. Xander’s eyes fell on the gigantic snake demon that had been the Mayor and he charged to the attack. His graduation gown billowed behind him as he seized the snake, ripped off its lower jaw, and then began to tie it in knots.
“Okay,” Buffy said, “it looks like Xander has things under control. We can start in on the vampires now.”
Cordelia emerged from behind the chair. “Did Mayor Wilkins eat Snyder, just before Xander changed, or was I imagining that part?”
“Nope, it really happened,” Buffy said, grinning. “Pretty much a win-win situation.”
- - - - -
“We should be brothers,” Adam said. “We are both stronger than humans, both indestructible, and both green. Join with me and destroy all those who would oppose us.”
“Hulk confused,” Xander replied, scratching his head.
“I shall do the thinking for both of us,” Adam said. “Follow me, friend, and indulge your passion for destruction. First, crush the Slayer.”
“Hulk smash!” Xander roared. He punched Adam and sent the cyborg crashing into the wall.
Adam lunged with his Polgara demon spike. The bony weapon shattered on Xander’s skin.
“Hulk crush ugly monster,” Xander growled. He tore off Adam’s arm and hit him with it. Adam struck back but achieved nothing. He frowned and activated one of his mechanisms. His remaining arm transformed into a built-in mini-gun and he opened fire.
The bullets bounced off Xander’s green skin with no effect other than to make the Hulk roar louder. Xander advanced, grabbed the gun, and crushed it into a solid mass of metal. He punched Adam again, breaking bone, and then began to rip the construct apart.
“This is not logical!” Adam protested. “I am perfection. How can I lose to a mere beast?”
“Hulk always win,” Xander declared. “Hulk smash!”
- - - - -
Glory and the Hulk traded blows. They were evenly matched for strength, both of them were virtually indestructible, and the fight was becoming a stalemate.
“This is pointless,” Glory said eventually. She lowered her hands. “I can’t beat you and you can’t beat me.”
“Hulk smash,” Xander said, but he followed her example and lowered his fists.
Glory tilted her head to one side and looked at him. “You know, you’re kinda handsome,” she said. She stepped over the corpse of Jinx, who had got in the way of one of the Hulk’s punches and become collateral damage, and slowly extended a hand. She stroked the Hulk’s bicep and smiled. “You sure have some serious muscle there, green guy,” she said. “You know, you’re the first guy I’ve met on this pathetic planet who could give me any competition. It’s kind of a turn-on.” She batted her eyes. “Maybe we could find better things to do than fight.”
Xander frowned. “Evil goddess pretty,” he conceded.
“Damn right, Hulk,” Glory said. She licked her lips. “I get the feeling subtlety would just go right over your head, so, I’ll get straight to the point. Wanna fuck?”
Xander grinned broadly. “Hulk fuck!”
- - - - -
The bed creaked and groaned as the two powerful beings writhed in a passionate embrace. Glory’s fingers dug into the Hulk’s broad back and her legs wrapped around his waist in a grip that would have instantly killed any mere human.
“I’m coming!” Glory gasped. “Oh, me, me! Glory, Glory, hallelujah! Oh! Oh! Ohhhhhhhh!”
“Hulk come!” Xander thrust away with redoubled speed. “Ugh! Hulk come!” The mighty muscles in his buttocks clenched as he gave one final thrust, groaned, and then uttered a deep sigh.
Glory tossed her head, giggled, and then clamped her lips to Xander’s. She kissed him, with surprising gentleness, and her legs loosened their grip on his waist. “Oh, that was good,” she said. “Wow, good and double good.”
“Hulk enjoy,” Xander said. “Fucking pretty Hell-goddess make Hulk feel nice.” He withdrew from Glory and moved to lie beside her.
“Yeah, that’s about the best thing that’s happened to me since I got kicked out of my home dimension,” Glory said. “Hmm. Maybe I could take you home with me once I find my Key. Or, if I don’t find it, having you as a boyfriend might make up for being stuck on this shitty planet. Although I’d have to find a way to…” A panicked expression began to spread over her face. “No! Not now! Stop! You can’t…”
The green of Xander’s skin was fading. His muscles shrank slightly. “What’s wrong?” he asked, his voice less deep than the Hulk’s mighty rumble.
Glory didn’t notice. “Noooo!” she wailed, and then suddenly she was gone. In her place was a man.
Ben stared at Xander and his mouth fell open. “What the hell?” he gasped.
Xander glared back. His green tint deepened and his muscles swelled up once more. “Where Glory?” he demanded. “What puny man done with pretty goddess?”
“Who the hell are you?” Ben asked. “In fact, what the hell are you? What’s Glory been doing? Were you actually screwing her?”
“You take goddess away,” Xander growled. “That make Hulk mad. Give Glory back or Hulk smash.” He got down from the bed and stood up, towering over Ben, and clenched his fists.
“I didn’t take her away,” Ben said. “She just can’t be here at the same time as me, that’s all.”
“Hah!” Xander grunted. “Me send you away, she come back. Hulk smash!” He plucked Ben from the bed and hurled him away. Directly at the window.
The glass shattered. Ben soared out into the air, screaming, and then gravity took over. Glory’s apartment was a penthouse suite and Ben plummeted four floors to the ground.
Xander grinned. “Now pretty goddess come back,” he said. “We fuck more.” He stared at the bed. “Goddess not back! Puny man lie to Hulk. Hulk smash puny man.” He ripped the bedclothes aside, pouted, and lifted up the bed to peer underneath. No Glory. Xander snarled, picked up the bed, and tossed it out of the window.
It landed on what was left of Ben.
- - - - -
“I’m gonna need to wash my brain out with soap,” Xander said.
“I’ll do that for you,” Anya said, “after I rip it out of your skull. You boinked Glory!”
“The Hulk boinked Glory,” Xander protested. “I didn’t have a whole lot of choice.” He screwed up his mouth. “And then Glory turned into Ben. Eww.”
“Glory was Ben,” Buffy said. “Ben was Glory.”
“And Ben’s dead,” Willow said. “So Glory’s dead too.”
“Ding, dong, the bitch is dead,” said Spike. “Didn’t think you had it in you, Harris.” He smirked. “Lucky she didn’t change a minute earlier, innit? Or you’d have had it in…”
“Don’t say it!” Xander clapped his hand over Spike’s mouth. “I’m turning green and it’s nothing to do with the Hulk. I feel sick.”
“Glory’s dead, Dawn’s safe,” Buffy said. “Thank you, Xander.”
“Well done, Xander,” Giles added.
“Yeah,” said Spike. “That was… fucking brilliant!”
The End