open the floodgates
they say you have to go through the grit to get to the gold, or maybe that's just what I've been telling myself.
from the past year or so, I am starting to see that it may actually be the case.
I dug deep, I found a positive strength inside of me, and I harnessed that force to change my life and pursue what I thought to be my dreams. I never looked at it as running away from anything, I always viewed it as my visions manifesting.
I got to new york roughly a year ago, with a small desire to produce an intended result. the desire weakend as I lived through some of the roughest months: sublets, surrounded by people, moving, the weather! wah.
the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with was and I might even have to say still is, being constantly surrounded by people.
I was overwhelmed.
I didn't realize I was getting hit with so many different energy/vibrational interactions my senses overloaded and I had almost constant anxiety attacks. getting on the train, getting off the train, working ten hour days, closely dealing with a minimum of thirty people per day at work alone.
i got distracted, i forgot where my heart was, i zeroed in on specific feelings and i refused to let them go.
I needed one gut-wrenching friendship/relationship to make me realize that my mind hasn't been right, and that the way I've been viewing life has been the dimmest in years.
he came to me, with minute references to my interests, I started listening to him, opening up, letting him in, fitting him into my life the way cinderella's sisters tried her shoe.
so much struggle lead to an immense outburst on his part, against my feelings, my personality, my being, my essence.
I've since drunkenly crawled through the fog, managed to put myself back together.
It wasn't that I lost someone, it was that this person had intentionally hurt me, with no reason at all, out for blood, and I still can't figure out why or how anyone could be okay with breaking someone down the way he did me.
it didn't make sense to me, and still doesn't why he could say such hurtful things. It doesn't make sense to me how I didn't believe he could be capable of such malice, that I didn't see it coming and how could I have let this happen? that was the grief.
I knew the reasons we couldn't work, but he didn't name any of them.
I wasn't sad I lost a friend, I was sad to realize I never had one to begin with, and that pain was something I had no idea how to deal with.
The day before the "incident", the lightbulb in my room died. I sat in the dark and cried for three days. When I finally attempted to start a healing process, my roommate's boyfriend was able to change the lightbulb for me. (he's like, 6'6" or some wild shit, and there's no step stool that would allow me to change the lightbulb at his capacity)
It took days to regain what I had lost for more than a year; my positivity, my beingness, my awareness, the fullness I believed life to be, the potential and possibilities I knew awaited me. this came through my friends being supportive, telling me I am not what he thinks of me, I am more and not to think of how he could see me that way but to think of why I have friends, because I am who I am. Then the switch came on.
I found a friend I could talk about cosmic consciousness with, existence, extraterrestrial life, the depth that is spirituality and a genuine disappointment toward the mainstream.
WIth these conversations, a series of long lost memories came flooding back into the very front of my memory. Conversations I had with my father in his recording studio, where I sat and listened to him talk about beingness, soul and spirit, the tarot, different dimensions and alternate universes. I must have only been between eight and twelve years old and after listening to him, I never went back and thought about them. Currently, in retrospect, they are the essence of my interests, the essence of what I search for in this world, and I have a boundless appreciation for those memories and my father.
I thought to myself about how complicated the entire world is, about vibrational frequencies, string theory, collective consciousness, and souls detaching from personalities and shifting through bodies and what if that were a possibility?
I have always felt that I give so much, and only recently did I decide to give without ever expecting anything in return. It was quite the lesson I learned. I gave of myself and I expected appreciation.
I can't say I know how the subconscious works, but I imagine that our souls shifted or swapped for a moment, and mine tried to tell me through him that I was spending too much time with a person who was not satisfying my search for true friendship.
"The essence of your being is negativity, and that is something that will never change". I know my true essence, I have journeyed, searched and basically excavated through my insides to find answers, and I know that what I found is changeable. Anything is possible and our beingness can always grow to be better, to be more aware, to be more positive.
I hurt, so that he wouldn't have to, and at that point there is no more to give.
from the past year or so, I am starting to see that it may actually be the case.
I dug deep, I found a positive strength inside of me, and I harnessed that force to change my life and pursue what I thought to be my dreams. I never looked at it as running away from anything, I always viewed it as my visions manifesting.
I got to new york roughly a year ago, with a small desire to produce an intended result. the desire weakend as I lived through some of the roughest months: sublets, surrounded by people, moving, the weather! wah.
the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with was and I might even have to say still is, being constantly surrounded by people.
I was overwhelmed.
I didn't realize I was getting hit with so many different energy/vibrational interactions my senses overloaded and I had almost constant anxiety attacks. getting on the train, getting off the train, working ten hour days, closely dealing with a minimum of thirty people per day at work alone.
i got distracted, i forgot where my heart was, i zeroed in on specific feelings and i refused to let them go.
I needed one gut-wrenching friendship/relationship to make me realize that my mind hasn't been right, and that the way I've been viewing life has been the dimmest in years.
he came to me, with minute references to my interests, I started listening to him, opening up, letting him in, fitting him into my life the way cinderella's sisters tried her shoe.
so much struggle lead to an immense outburst on his part, against my feelings, my personality, my being, my essence.
I've since drunkenly crawled through the fog, managed to put myself back together.
It wasn't that I lost someone, it was that this person had intentionally hurt me, with no reason at all, out for blood, and I still can't figure out why or how anyone could be okay with breaking someone down the way he did me.
it didn't make sense to me, and still doesn't why he could say such hurtful things. It doesn't make sense to me how I didn't believe he could be capable of such malice, that I didn't see it coming and how could I have let this happen? that was the grief.
I knew the reasons we couldn't work, but he didn't name any of them.
I wasn't sad I lost a friend, I was sad to realize I never had one to begin with, and that pain was something I had no idea how to deal with.
The day before the "incident", the lightbulb in my room died. I sat in the dark and cried for three days. When I finally attempted to start a healing process, my roommate's boyfriend was able to change the lightbulb for me. (he's like, 6'6" or some wild shit, and there's no step stool that would allow me to change the lightbulb at his capacity)
It took days to regain what I had lost for more than a year; my positivity, my beingness, my awareness, the fullness I believed life to be, the potential and possibilities I knew awaited me. this came through my friends being supportive, telling me I am not what he thinks of me, I am more and not to think of how he could see me that way but to think of why I have friends, because I am who I am. Then the switch came on.
I found a friend I could talk about cosmic consciousness with, existence, extraterrestrial life, the depth that is spirituality and a genuine disappointment toward the mainstream.
WIth these conversations, a series of long lost memories came flooding back into the very front of my memory. Conversations I had with my father in his recording studio, where I sat and listened to him talk about beingness, soul and spirit, the tarot, different dimensions and alternate universes. I must have only been between eight and twelve years old and after listening to him, I never went back and thought about them. Currently, in retrospect, they are the essence of my interests, the essence of what I search for in this world, and I have a boundless appreciation for those memories and my father.
I thought to myself about how complicated the entire world is, about vibrational frequencies, string theory, collective consciousness, and souls detaching from personalities and shifting through bodies and what if that were a possibility?
I have always felt that I give so much, and only recently did I decide to give without ever expecting anything in return. It was quite the lesson I learned. I gave of myself and I expected appreciation.
I can't say I know how the subconscious works, but I imagine that our souls shifted or swapped for a moment, and mine tried to tell me through him that I was spending too much time with a person who was not satisfying my search for true friendship.
"The essence of your being is negativity, and that is something that will never change". I know my true essence, I have journeyed, searched and basically excavated through my insides to find answers, and I know that what I found is changeable. Anything is possible and our beingness can always grow to be better, to be more aware, to be more positive.
I hurt, so that he wouldn't have to, and at that point there is no more to give.