(no subject)
Well, more than 48 hours of no smoking. I think the grumpiness has peaked. The minor visual hallucinations have come and gone. (e.g. scintillating surfaces, text floating a bit above the paper, patterns on surfaces which have no pattern, etc.) The fog has either mostly lifted, or I've just gotten better at being stupid. I still feel stiff in the muscles and doubt I'll be sleeping anytime soon. The shakes persist, but my medications often give me the shakes anyways, so I don't know how much is caused by withdrawal.
This time around, the desperation that normally characterizes this period of withdrawal seems to be missing. For sure, this is annoying and sometimes frustrating, but not painful nor really compelling. This time around quitting has seemed like a return to the natural state, settling into it rather than having to warp myself and my world to build a new habit.
I let a friend down by procrastinating and missing registration for a particular event she wanted to attend with me. I hope I've managed to find a work-around, but that remains to be seen. This is just another mark in a long string of personal faults I've been trying root out and learn to cope with. The line between self-criticism and self-denigration can often be thin and fuzzy, and lately I'm often unsure of which side I'm walking on. Who knows why we do the things we do? I have no clue why I avoid simple tasks or choose certain actions knowing that my choice will never bring me anything I want and will probably take valuable things from me. My understanding of myself has been changing radically lately. Maybe I'll go into it in some other post, but right now, I just want to go home, lay down and tune out the world.
This time around, the desperation that normally characterizes this period of withdrawal seems to be missing. For sure, this is annoying and sometimes frustrating, but not painful nor really compelling. This time around quitting has seemed like a return to the natural state, settling into it rather than having to warp myself and my world to build a new habit.
I let a friend down by procrastinating and missing registration for a particular event she wanted to attend with me. I hope I've managed to find a work-around, but that remains to be seen. This is just another mark in a long string of personal faults I've been trying root out and learn to cope with. The line between self-criticism and self-denigration can often be thin and fuzzy, and lately I'm often unsure of which side I'm walking on. Who knows why we do the things we do? I have no clue why I avoid simple tasks or choose certain actions knowing that my choice will never bring me anything I want and will probably take valuable things from me. My understanding of myself has been changing radically lately. Maybe I'll go into it in some other post, but right now, I just want to go home, lay down and tune out the world.