sigh
Oh Livejournal,
I'm ever so sick of reality. All of the decisions, the consequences. Sigh. I e-mailed Joel of all people after receiving a belligerent phone call from him. I e-mailed him months ago to see how he was (oh nostalgia, look what you've made me do!) only to receive a prompt response from him, and some needy phone calls thereafter. Maybe they weren't needy, and I'm just insensitive. I have no interest in dealing with any more emotional baggage whatever. So I got a phone call from him recently (the belligerent one) about my not having called or e-mailed him. I said I felt bad that I didn't call and that I was just feeling like a bum. I then became angry that I'd apologized, and wrote to him saying I would call when I felt like calling, which isn't now.
So I got an e-mail back with his telling me I need to wake up and become a real person and start experiencing life.
I feel like a smelly turd now. I am avoiding life, and it doesn't feel good. But I don't know how to deal with myself, and the best way I have dealt with me so far is to keep good face. I'm tired. Tired of trying to avoid my livejournal posts from becoming self-indulgant and boring. I guess I must be depressed. It feels like life is happening all around and I'm preoccupied with trying to keep people away from my retarded emotions. Sulky sulk sulk.
I'm ever so sick of reality. All of the decisions, the consequences. Sigh. I e-mailed Joel of all people after receiving a belligerent phone call from him. I e-mailed him months ago to see how he was (oh nostalgia, look what you've made me do!) only to receive a prompt response from him, and some needy phone calls thereafter. Maybe they weren't needy, and I'm just insensitive. I have no interest in dealing with any more emotional baggage whatever. So I got a phone call from him recently (the belligerent one) about my not having called or e-mailed him. I said I felt bad that I didn't call and that I was just feeling like a bum. I then became angry that I'd apologized, and wrote to him saying I would call when I felt like calling, which isn't now.
So I got an e-mail back with his telling me I need to wake up and become a real person and start experiencing life.
I feel like a smelly turd now. I am avoiding life, and it doesn't feel good. But I don't know how to deal with myself, and the best way I have dealt with me so far is to keep good face. I'm tired. Tired of trying to avoid my livejournal posts from becoming self-indulgant and boring. I guess I must be depressed. It feels like life is happening all around and I'm preoccupied with trying to keep people away from my retarded emotions. Sulky sulk sulk.