the real fight
i have just realized something whilst sitting her talking with people on aim. the tricking my parents hasn't been a strech anymore. but nonetheless i get more and more tired as i get closer to the day of reckoning. i've noticed 2 things actually. now the fight is not even really between me and my parents, it's against myself.
i'm scared, i'm scared shitless. i know it, i feel it, and i even live it. i'm starting to worry that i might not make this, and as oddly as it sounds it seems my emotions are going to be the first to fall.
today i had a few scary thoughts, the kind that u get when something drastic is happeneing and you just want out. the idea flashed through my head that if i really really really tried i could grovel enough and maybe be a good enough slave that my parents would just let me stay and then everything would be normal and ok.
needless to say i quickly freaked out, not just because i'm getting all unstabble, but that my parents might be winning. i won't let them. they have had me for too long as it is. i just worry that something will fail, a huge gapping hole in my plan will open up an swallow me whole.
it's almost february. jsut about 24 days left, i hope i can make this work. i can't let my life go down the drain just because my parents are psychotic. now that i think about it, i won't let them take it from me, why should they have the right to take me and screw with my head so much? what do they think they are doing? is this some crazy idea of how you're supposed to raise a person?
it's me vs me this time. the question is which one of us will win and which one will perish.
the rollercoaster of emotions no longer has any safety bars. i hope there aren't any extended periods of being upsidedown.
i'm scared, i'm scared shitless. i know it, i feel it, and i even live it. i'm starting to worry that i might not make this, and as oddly as it sounds it seems my emotions are going to be the first to fall.
today i had a few scary thoughts, the kind that u get when something drastic is happeneing and you just want out. the idea flashed through my head that if i really really really tried i could grovel enough and maybe be a good enough slave that my parents would just let me stay and then everything would be normal and ok.
needless to say i quickly freaked out, not just because i'm getting all unstabble, but that my parents might be winning. i won't let them. they have had me for too long as it is. i just worry that something will fail, a huge gapping hole in my plan will open up an swallow me whole.
it's almost february. jsut about 24 days left, i hope i can make this work. i can't let my life go down the drain just because my parents are psychotic. now that i think about it, i won't let them take it from me, why should they have the right to take me and screw with my head so much? what do they think they are doing? is this some crazy idea of how you're supposed to raise a person?
it's me vs me this time. the question is which one of us will win and which one will perish.
the rollercoaster of emotions no longer has any safety bars. i hope there aren't any extended periods of being upsidedown.