Le Sigh
I dunno what to do...
I'm at work right now and I just want to go home, crawl into my bed and have a good cry. I'm just frustrated and tired and thinking too much.. I need to get it all out. I wasn't planning on writing about this here but I need to vent.
Things with Jay just aren't feeling right to me. (this is the new boy). I like him so much. I know I've had a lot of boys in and out of my life lately, but this one is different. I really like him. I care about him. I actually want him to be my boyfriend. I haven't wanted a boyfriend since Dan & I broke up. I didn't think I wanted one for awhile. Then he came into my life and all that changed.
The first 2 weeks were amazing. He texted me constantly, usually telling me how much he missed me, how pretty I am, etc. We'd talk on the phone every night. I even went to Calgary for 2 days/2 nights to be with him. The time I spent there was perfect. We clicked so well I couldn't believe it.
He treats me like gold. He is super affectionate, which I love. Anytime we're out in public he is holding my hand or has his arm around me. He's not afraid to kiss me when other people are around. He didn't even want us to sleep together at first, so I'd know that he likes me for me, not for sex. I honestly didn't think that men like this existed.
We had planned for him to fly in on the red eye flight from Calgary tonight. It comes in at 6am so I was going to drag my ass outta bed (after working till 1am) to pick him up. But I didn't care. I just wanted to see him, sleep deprivation or not.
Sometime during the week I was hanging out with him at work and we had a big relationship talk and determined that we are officially "seeing eachother" Not ready for the whole bf/gf label but at least we figured out what we are.
Then on Friday we were hanging out at work. Everything was great at first. He took me for lunch and as we were standing in line he was just staring at me so I asked him what he was thinking about. He told me that he was realizing that he was falling for me, hard, and he could actually see himself being with me for a long time (this is big cuz he's an admitted comittment phobe). Then later that evening we were walking to his gate, and I got a call on my cell from Daniel (who I work with, and was acting duty manager that night - therefore my boss. Oh and he's totally gay). I made a stupid sexual comment to Daniel, which is an inside joke between us. Jay took it wrong and it caused a big riff between us. He sent me a text when he landed in Orlando saying something about not knowing when he'll be able to talk to me again, he doesn't know if he wants this anymore, and he needs time to think. I freaked out cuz I like him so much and wasn't ready to give up on it. He said he couldn't talk then and needed time to think. He asked me to call him an hour later. I went outside with Daniel and we talked about the whole thing for about 45 minutes. I was super upset and Daniel consoled me and gave me lots of advice.
I left work 45 minutes early cuz I just wanted to leave and talk to Jay. I called him and we talked for an hour & a half. By the end of the call I still felt nervous, but better. He was pretty much back to his normal self. He told me over & over that he still wanted me to go see him on his overnight in Hamilton the next day (Saturday).
Yesterday I was soooo nervous all day. I didn't know how I would feel or how he would act when he saw me. I left work an hour early cuz I just wanted to be there with him. He came outside when I got to the hotel and it was great. He got in my car to show me where to park and gave me a huge, long kiss. As soon as I parked and got out he came over and gave me a huge hug. We held hands all the way back to the room. When we got there we kissed a bit and he made me sit on the bed so he could hold me while he finished what he was doing on his laptop. Then he gave me the present he got me. It was 2 stuffed cats. He told me it was so I wouldn't feel lonely when I had to leave my cats home alone to be with him. That's when I realized that they were both orange, one striped and one with spots, just like my kittens. How sweet is that? We spent the whole night in the room, cuddling, making out, etc ;) He held me the entire night while we slept. There was no awkwardness or any other stupid things i was worried about.
He texted me when I got to work to tell me that he booked his flight for tonight. His texts ever since Friday night have been distant and not like his usual ones, which has been bugging me but I didn't want to bring up something so silly. Anyway, later in the night he texted me and I asked how his day was going and he replied "Not good. I wanna go home" So I said "ok.. does this mean you're not coming to my house tonight?" and he said "I dunno. I have to think about it. I've only been home 1 night out of the last 11" (he's a flight attendant). I feel totally bad that he hasn't been home and all, but #1- why did he offer in the first place, and get my hopes up? and #2- he has like 5 or 6 days off. And he was only coming here for 2 or 3. So he'd still have time at home. I totally get how he feels, I do. But I went to Calgary on my only 3 days off. I left early in the morning of my 1st day off and got home late the night of my last day off, so I had no time at home. I didn't get to go grocery shopping so I starved the rest of the week.
So now I'm actually considering offering to Calgary tomorrow morning and spending 1 night there, then coming back on the red eye Tuesday night. Just to spend time with him. I'm also supposed to go there next week on my days off, so I can meet his best friend who will be in town.
I dunno.. on one hand I'm thinking I should just say "okay fine go home" and let it be. I'll wait until he texts or calls me again and see what happens. I'm thinking I should just treat it like any other guy I've been seeing or whatever in the past. Just wait till he calls/texts me, wait for him to invite me out, etc. But with these other guys, I wasn't that hooked on them so it was easy.
On the other hand I'm thinking I should offer to go to Calgary. Anything to be with him. I feel like such a pathetic loser though.... but I really like him. Ugh I dunno. I'm thinking I should confront him (preferably in person) about the change in attitude via texts and whatever. I just want to say "Be honest: Are you still into me.. cuz here's how I'm feeling" But I'm scared he'll say he's not.
Fuck. I hate boys. I don't want to feel like this. I want to be the old Amanda again. The one who doesn't get all emotionally attached to boys like this. OR even better, I want things to be like they were before Friday. Where I'm confident in our relationship and how he feels about me. Where I'm happy and in a perma good mood. I don't want to feel like I'm walking on egg shells, waiting for him to tell me that he changed his mind. (He's been making comments like "Well, who knows how long this will last") and shit like that.
Anyway, I just needed to vent. I had to get this out. I hope it works out and I'm over reacting, and that he comes tonight.. but I'm feeling less than optimistic :(
I'm at work right now and I just want to go home, crawl into my bed and have a good cry. I'm just frustrated and tired and thinking too much.. I need to get it all out. I wasn't planning on writing about this here but I need to vent.
Things with Jay just aren't feeling right to me. (this is the new boy). I like him so much. I know I've had a lot of boys in and out of my life lately, but this one is different. I really like him. I care about him. I actually want him to be my boyfriend. I haven't wanted a boyfriend since Dan & I broke up. I didn't think I wanted one for awhile. Then he came into my life and all that changed.
The first 2 weeks were amazing. He texted me constantly, usually telling me how much he missed me, how pretty I am, etc. We'd talk on the phone every night. I even went to Calgary for 2 days/2 nights to be with him. The time I spent there was perfect. We clicked so well I couldn't believe it.
He treats me like gold. He is super affectionate, which I love. Anytime we're out in public he is holding my hand or has his arm around me. He's not afraid to kiss me when other people are around. He didn't even want us to sleep together at first, so I'd know that he likes me for me, not for sex. I honestly didn't think that men like this existed.
We had planned for him to fly in on the red eye flight from Calgary tonight. It comes in at 6am so I was going to drag my ass outta bed (after working till 1am) to pick him up. But I didn't care. I just wanted to see him, sleep deprivation or not.
Sometime during the week I was hanging out with him at work and we had a big relationship talk and determined that we are officially "seeing eachother" Not ready for the whole bf/gf label but at least we figured out what we are.
Then on Friday we were hanging out at work. Everything was great at first. He took me for lunch and as we were standing in line he was just staring at me so I asked him what he was thinking about. He told me that he was realizing that he was falling for me, hard, and he could actually see himself being with me for a long time (this is big cuz he's an admitted comittment phobe). Then later that evening we were walking to his gate, and I got a call on my cell from Daniel (who I work with, and was acting duty manager that night - therefore my boss. Oh and he's totally gay). I made a stupid sexual comment to Daniel, which is an inside joke between us. Jay took it wrong and it caused a big riff between us. He sent me a text when he landed in Orlando saying something about not knowing when he'll be able to talk to me again, he doesn't know if he wants this anymore, and he needs time to think. I freaked out cuz I like him so much and wasn't ready to give up on it. He said he couldn't talk then and needed time to think. He asked me to call him an hour later. I went outside with Daniel and we talked about the whole thing for about 45 minutes. I was super upset and Daniel consoled me and gave me lots of advice.
I left work 45 minutes early cuz I just wanted to leave and talk to Jay. I called him and we talked for an hour & a half. By the end of the call I still felt nervous, but better. He was pretty much back to his normal self. He told me over & over that he still wanted me to go see him on his overnight in Hamilton the next day (Saturday).
Yesterday I was soooo nervous all day. I didn't know how I would feel or how he would act when he saw me. I left work an hour early cuz I just wanted to be there with him. He came outside when I got to the hotel and it was great. He got in my car to show me where to park and gave me a huge, long kiss. As soon as I parked and got out he came over and gave me a huge hug. We held hands all the way back to the room. When we got there we kissed a bit and he made me sit on the bed so he could hold me while he finished what he was doing on his laptop. Then he gave me the present he got me. It was 2 stuffed cats. He told me it was so I wouldn't feel lonely when I had to leave my cats home alone to be with him. That's when I realized that they were both orange, one striped and one with spots, just like my kittens. How sweet is that? We spent the whole night in the room, cuddling, making out, etc ;) He held me the entire night while we slept. There was no awkwardness or any other stupid things i was worried about.
He texted me when I got to work to tell me that he booked his flight for tonight. His texts ever since Friday night have been distant and not like his usual ones, which has been bugging me but I didn't want to bring up something so silly. Anyway, later in the night he texted me and I asked how his day was going and he replied "Not good. I wanna go home" So I said "ok.. does this mean you're not coming to my house tonight?" and he said "I dunno. I have to think about it. I've only been home 1 night out of the last 11" (he's a flight attendant). I feel totally bad that he hasn't been home and all, but #1- why did he offer in the first place, and get my hopes up? and #2- he has like 5 or 6 days off. And he was only coming here for 2 or 3. So he'd still have time at home. I totally get how he feels, I do. But I went to Calgary on my only 3 days off. I left early in the morning of my 1st day off and got home late the night of my last day off, so I had no time at home. I didn't get to go grocery shopping so I starved the rest of the week.
So now I'm actually considering offering to Calgary tomorrow morning and spending 1 night there, then coming back on the red eye Tuesday night. Just to spend time with him. I'm also supposed to go there next week on my days off, so I can meet his best friend who will be in town.
I dunno.. on one hand I'm thinking I should just say "okay fine go home" and let it be. I'll wait until he texts or calls me again and see what happens. I'm thinking I should just treat it like any other guy I've been seeing or whatever in the past. Just wait till he calls/texts me, wait for him to invite me out, etc. But with these other guys, I wasn't that hooked on them so it was easy.
On the other hand I'm thinking I should offer to go to Calgary. Anything to be with him. I feel like such a pathetic loser though.... but I really like him. Ugh I dunno. I'm thinking I should confront him (preferably in person) about the change in attitude via texts and whatever. I just want to say "Be honest: Are you still into me.. cuz here's how I'm feeling" But I'm scared he'll say he's not.
Fuck. I hate boys. I don't want to feel like this. I want to be the old Amanda again. The one who doesn't get all emotionally attached to boys like this. OR even better, I want things to be like they were before Friday. Where I'm confident in our relationship and how he feels about me. Where I'm happy and in a perma good mood. I don't want to feel like I'm walking on egg shells, waiting for him to tell me that he changed his mind. (He's been making comments like "Well, who knows how long this will last") and shit like that.
Anyway, I just needed to vent. I had to get this out. I hope it works out and I'm over reacting, and that he comes tonight.. but I'm feeling less than optimistic :(