She's holding! We'll make it, captain!
So, as usual, I dealt with doubt by quadrupling the amount of enthusiasm I needed, and am still in full sprint towards a better life. Things are different, on all the most basic levels, but I'm used to that. As this phase of the Plan seeps into every nook and cranny of my being, I once again get to evaluate the previous me with crystal clear hindsight. I regret nothing about the way I lived, and am even a bit proud of the way I dealt with some things. But make no mistake, I am stronger now than I have ever been.
It is my personal goal to absolutely conquer the meager three courses I have. I'm starting the assignments the day they are available online (a few days before even the previous assignment is due), and for this reason I am no longer taking risks with my education. Sure, I still skip most of my classes, but only if I've already confirmed through assignments that I already know it demonstrably. I've finally started -caring- about grades. It's not about getting to the next step, it's about being the absolute best that I can.
It's not just school either. I'm better at guitar than ever, better at expressing myself, better at drawing, look better (I've taken to doing laundry and wearing attractive clothing), and I'm gaining weight. (Probably the most difficult task. Imagine eating as much as you possibly can, and then doubling that number of calories with a thick lumpy protein shake) I can even juggle now.
Even obscure things that I vaguely want to get better at are improving. I'm getting farther in NetHack than ever before! (R.I.P. Cecil the brave knight)
I'm not happy because I'm better than I was, I'm happy because I've worked hard and will be stronger tomorrow than today. I've not forgotten one lesson from my past, and am not turning a blind eye to the lessons of today.
What I've learned; chocolate covered espresso beans are very very delicious, but will cause you to not eat or sleep properly for a while. A soft blanket is a worthwhile investment. Falling asleep on purpose is still nearly impossible, but can be done by taking all that energy, and focusing it on creating the most in-depth daydreaming possible.
I know I'm not burning myself out, and I know it's not an energetic patch that'll end, because it all feeds itself. I'm eating better, sleeping better, and am enjoying my tasks. As long as I can keep my goals in mind, and never get comfortable enough to stop accelerating, I can and will be the ever-stronger me.
Also, it turns out that the rest of the world is starting to notice that I'm freakin' sexy. It feels good to have my charms back. It's a shame I'm not interested in a relationship, because once I've grown this stainless steel wire-frame body into a more widely-appreciated width...
Also also, I missed you, ego!
It kinda ruins the point of having a journal if any random person can read it, but oh well. I've got nothing to hide, and plenty to show off. Think about it. I've had -years- of being awesome, and I've had it on a leash for so long. I'll make sure I never adopt any superiority complex over other people, and I'll make sure I don't brag in places other than supposedly private journals. I have to be especially careful to be encouraging of other people in the right way, instead of dragging them in my wake to what I assume they want. Mmm, delicate matters of trying to take an enlightened approach to interpersonal affairs. I'll have to get better at trusting instincts instead of words as I have done in the past.
Instinct... That's it! I threw it away because I thought I'd get better results through careful thought, but instead I ended up not saying things I wanted to say, the only part of my past I come close to regretting. I also slowwed my wit down considerably. Heck, my grandpa can outdo me with the state of disrepair I'm in!
Added to the list: Train that quicksilver tongue! :D Relatedly, start picking up the grammar of Japanese.
It is my personal goal to absolutely conquer the meager three courses I have. I'm starting the assignments the day they are available online (a few days before even the previous assignment is due), and for this reason I am no longer taking risks with my education. Sure, I still skip most of my classes, but only if I've already confirmed through assignments that I already know it demonstrably. I've finally started -caring- about grades. It's not about getting to the next step, it's about being the absolute best that I can.
It's not just school either. I'm better at guitar than ever, better at expressing myself, better at drawing, look better (I've taken to doing laundry and wearing attractive clothing), and I'm gaining weight. (Probably the most difficult task. Imagine eating as much as you possibly can, and then doubling that number of calories with a thick lumpy protein shake) I can even juggle now.
Even obscure things that I vaguely want to get better at are improving. I'm getting farther in NetHack than ever before! (R.I.P. Cecil the brave knight)
I'm not happy because I'm better than I was, I'm happy because I've worked hard and will be stronger tomorrow than today. I've not forgotten one lesson from my past, and am not turning a blind eye to the lessons of today.
What I've learned; chocolate covered espresso beans are very very delicious, but will cause you to not eat or sleep properly for a while. A soft blanket is a worthwhile investment. Falling asleep on purpose is still nearly impossible, but can be done by taking all that energy, and focusing it on creating the most in-depth daydreaming possible.
I know I'm not burning myself out, and I know it's not an energetic patch that'll end, because it all feeds itself. I'm eating better, sleeping better, and am enjoying my tasks. As long as I can keep my goals in mind, and never get comfortable enough to stop accelerating, I can and will be the ever-stronger me.
Also, it turns out that the rest of the world is starting to notice that I'm freakin' sexy. It feels good to have my charms back. It's a shame I'm not interested in a relationship, because once I've grown this stainless steel wire-frame body into a more widely-appreciated width...
Also also, I missed you, ego!
It kinda ruins the point of having a journal if any random person can read it, but oh well. I've got nothing to hide, and plenty to show off. Think about it. I've had -years- of being awesome, and I've had it on a leash for so long. I'll make sure I never adopt any superiority complex over other people, and I'll make sure I don't brag in places other than supposedly private journals. I have to be especially careful to be encouraging of other people in the right way, instead of dragging them in my wake to what I assume they want. Mmm, delicate matters of trying to take an enlightened approach to interpersonal affairs. I'll have to get better at trusting instincts instead of words as I have done in the past.
Instinct... That's it! I threw it away because I thought I'd get better results through careful thought, but instead I ended up not saying things I wanted to say, the only part of my past I come close to regretting. I also slowwed my wit down considerably. Heck, my grandpa can outdo me with the state of disrepair I'm in!
Added to the list: Train that quicksilver tongue! :D Relatedly, start picking up the grammar of Japanese.