Jun 02, 2012 11:36
It has been almost 2 years since I last posted. That's a long time to a recent college graduate. That is a long time to a now single man. In those two years I made a lot of mistakes, but I have also started to strive to better myself as a person. Of course before two years ago, or even 4 months ago, I made decisions that hurt both myself and multiple sets of people I cared about.
I've really come to terms with the fact that maybe, I haven't been ready for a relationship even since i started trying so hard in High school when I liked Robin. Even over the years there have been people I thought could change my ways. Angela, Elicia, Pearl, Eng, Martina, Dee, Aimee... Did I date all of them? No. Did i want to? maybe at the time. granted there were only 2 names in the list that I didn't date. but all the way from Texas to Seattle to Boston, who would have thought that I could have been sch a failure to both the people I cared about and even myself.
The new goal in life? Well I know it won't be easy, but it IS important before I can start a life with someone else I truly care about. The new goal is to solve "me". Whether it is dealing with life pressures, or treating the people I care about in the proper way, I have both sacrificed too much for all the wrong reasons rather than taking care of myself and the people I care (or used to care) about most.
So what is the first step? well it was to become single. So I didn't feel like I had to take care of someone else s' emotions or needs. I am finally at a place where I can focus on me. I realize that I have hurt a lot of people in my life, most of which being those who cared for me the most out of anyone else on the planet. Can I go back and change the past? No. Would I if I could? I'm not sure. It has made me grow up It has made me deal with things people shouldn't have, and because of those experiences I have built character. I know that most would disagree that I have built character out of it, but I had to get to the age of 23 to realize what I was and think to myself.. "no man. that's wrong you need to stop that". Even though I didn't have an incident that would cause someone to hate me recently (well, 6 months) I have realized that while you can't let the past control you, you do need to under stand what you did, why you did it, and then be like WUT. WHY U DO THAT??
Doing this was tough, especially for me. Thinking I had enough love for everyone, which certainly isn't true. I didn't have true love and respect for myself, so how on earth could I have thought I could have or give those things to someone else?
But now, the past is in the past. I can neither change it, nor do I want it to control me. One should make mistakes and learn from them. I didn't, but now as time has gone on, I will continue to reap what I have sown and continue to stay on the right path for me in my life. Which I can only hope I am.