Numb...
I've become numb. Numb but with this constant dull ache. I no longer recognise what I feel, or what I want. Appearances are everything and things just don't look good. People I'm supposed to trust are pushing boundries they shouldn't be pushing.
"I don't think I can do this... I love you more than anything... I just can't be with you... But I don't want you to leave." All these things in one sentence prove complete selfishness... and total bullshit.
I don't know if it's an age thing, or what it is. If it's just habit. I told her this was going to happen again. I told her that I was feeling exactly how I was a couple summers ago when this all happened.. again. I wonder if it's me. Maybe I am paranoid, but all signs point to the worst case scenario. Deny all you want, tell me you've changed... but don't act like it. Act just like you usually do about once a year. You will never be happy. Something will always be better... for a while. Then you come crawling back, knowing full well that I'm the only person that can put up with you, take care of you and give you what you need.
Trust is so fragile. ONce broken, you can try to repair it, but the scars will always be there. For almost 3 years, I've centered my world around you. Made my plans around you. Planned my future around you. Hoping against hope that maybe, this time, things would be different and you really meant what you said. The bitch of it is, I still love you. So much. But you don't seem to care. This other person, you tell me would never do what I think you're doing. That they look up to me and would be devastated if they knew what I thought of them. Well then... maybe they should have thought about that before they started giving you jewelery that said "What would I do without you?", keeping you out past 4am on a night that was supposed to be ours and putting you in positions where you have to lie. Do they know you lie? About them? Maybe yes, maybe no. Either way, if I could, I'd slap the shit out of both of you. Granted, it wouldn't solve anything, but it sure would make me feel a lot better.
So here I am again... resorting to LJ because I don't have anywhere or anyone else to go to. I'm hurt. I'm angry. But this time, I will not cry in your arms and beg you not to leave. This time... it's all you. I'm still living at the house because I have no where else to go. But that will change. I'm back on LJ because I can say things here that I can't say to you, because it will start a fight and I can't handle the fighting anymore. I just wish I had more friends to hang out with. This is the one time I wish I was more like everyone else. Then I'd fit in better. Ah well. Yay LJ!
I will continue to do what I do. Without you. Even though you tell me you'll still be there. You won't be. I've lost my anchor, so I'm sort of adrift, but eventually I'll hit land again.
I thought by letting you go the last time you'd get everything out of your system. I guess I was wrong. And it kills me to think it.
It's just easier if I try not to feel right now. So until it's safe again, I think I'll just stay numb.
"I don't think I can do this... I love you more than anything... I just can't be with you... But I don't want you to leave." All these things in one sentence prove complete selfishness... and total bullshit.
I don't know if it's an age thing, or what it is. If it's just habit. I told her this was going to happen again. I told her that I was feeling exactly how I was a couple summers ago when this all happened.. again. I wonder if it's me. Maybe I am paranoid, but all signs point to the worst case scenario. Deny all you want, tell me you've changed... but don't act like it. Act just like you usually do about once a year. You will never be happy. Something will always be better... for a while. Then you come crawling back, knowing full well that I'm the only person that can put up with you, take care of you and give you what you need.
Trust is so fragile. ONce broken, you can try to repair it, but the scars will always be there. For almost 3 years, I've centered my world around you. Made my plans around you. Planned my future around you. Hoping against hope that maybe, this time, things would be different and you really meant what you said. The bitch of it is, I still love you. So much. But you don't seem to care. This other person, you tell me would never do what I think you're doing. That they look up to me and would be devastated if they knew what I thought of them. Well then... maybe they should have thought about that before they started giving you jewelery that said "What would I do without you?", keeping you out past 4am on a night that was supposed to be ours and putting you in positions where you have to lie. Do they know you lie? About them? Maybe yes, maybe no. Either way, if I could, I'd slap the shit out of both of you. Granted, it wouldn't solve anything, but it sure would make me feel a lot better.
So here I am again... resorting to LJ because I don't have anywhere or anyone else to go to. I'm hurt. I'm angry. But this time, I will not cry in your arms and beg you not to leave. This time... it's all you. I'm still living at the house because I have no where else to go. But that will change. I'm back on LJ because I can say things here that I can't say to you, because it will start a fight and I can't handle the fighting anymore. I just wish I had more friends to hang out with. This is the one time I wish I was more like everyone else. Then I'd fit in better. Ah well. Yay LJ!
I will continue to do what I do. Without you. Even though you tell me you'll still be there. You won't be. I've lost my anchor, so I'm sort of adrift, but eventually I'll hit land again.
I thought by letting you go the last time you'd get everything out of your system. I guess I was wrong. And it kills me to think it.
It's just easier if I try not to feel right now. So until it's safe again, I think I'll just stay numb.