We turn our music down, and we whisper... "Say what you're thinking out loud."
well. it has indeed been a little over a month. life has been splendid... finals were hell.. but break has rocked majorly. just sitting around and doing little has tickled my fancy lately. and hanging out with my friends is always a plus. i hate that school starts in a week. ah i can't stand the thought. SICK. well anyway i am going to put this journal to some use. i'm fairly certain that no one reads it... so i think i will actually write about something of value....
WHY! why do i feel this way about him?! i know this is the most cliche problem of adolesence... but damn! i really shouldn't have feelings like this. i mean... we're friends! we went down the romance road.. and it didn't work.
good gracious. love is just so intangible for me. i don't think i GET it. either i'm looking to hard... or i'm just looking away. i'm ready for it though. blind and waiting, if you will. blind is true. i haven't the slightest clue what the HECK i am looking for. maybe i shouldn't be looking for anything. or maybe i'm like every other 16 year old girl in the universe. which is not an encouraging thought.
hm. i want to do something. BIG. go on an adventure or something. do something or go somewhere outside the norm. i'm just stuck in this little cycle. i'm not actually DOING anything. or helping anyone. or learning anything. i have no talent. i want a talent. i want to write and draw and paint. and make music. and run and compete and win. and i want to love and be loved. and i want to hurt. and to lose. and to fall... and then to get back up. and keep running. and keep loving. i want to pour myself into something. and just do it. take the leap. and not look back. everything i do seems like cautious little steps.. and then i turn around and go back to where i was. which isn't what i want. i'm just too scared. and alone. but then again... to be myself IS to be alone. but oh how i hate being alone. and sure i have friends. but... people are just people. they have their lives. they have their problems. and they have their faults, just as i have mine. no one is perfect, i have discovered, and i think it's quite a beautiful thing. i have decided.. that the human being is good. if we were innately evil, why would society have grown into a place where people are taught to be good? and why would we have the natural desire for love and passion and affection? and peace? we wouldn't. if a man's heart is dark (lord of the flies, yes) there would be no love. not even self love, which we all know prominently exists. when it comes down to it... i've decided... that i am just one. one person. out of BILLIONS. and i am no more important or talented or special than they are. in the masses of the world, i am nothing. i am a passing cloud, a whiff of smoke, a single wave on the sand. i am no better than any one else. but i am unique. and i am my own person. its corny, but true... there is no one else like me. no one has experienced all that i have, seen all that i have, and been affected by things the way i have. and its true for everyone. everyones life is unique. no two lives, are the same. and that is why life is worth living. because, in the long run... i am experiencing something that no one else ever will. and even if i spent lifetimes describing it... no one else would ever get it. because its mine. and no one can ever feel exactly what i have. thats the funny thing about feelings. they are indescribable. and theyre so demanding. and controlling. and deciding. and awful. and wonderful. and inspiring. and hurtful. i love them. i just love expression. not only my own, but everyone elses. because i believe in myself. and i believe in everyone else too. because we are all here. and we are all human. and we all have the capability to think and create and hurt. and love. and make something of ourselves.
"There is no such thing in anyone's life as an unimportant day." -Alexander Woollcott
i agree. every day is an opportunity. THE opportunity. the chance. the first chance. the last chance. that is what today was. thats what tomorrow will be. maybe.
i just love life. and i love people. and i love me. and i love what i've done. and what i did today. i what i will do. and yes, i will hate some of it too. but hatred is a form of love. it's love turned black. it's a lesson. it's a feeling, that fuels a feeling, and that other feeling is love. and love is the equivalent of life. and life is the equivalent of me. and of everyone.