(no subject)
Well, last night was quite possibly the most miserable night of my life. That may be an understatement. Just a terrible terrible night, I screwed up so much, and then everything just took a downward spiral.
Ever have that feeling when you go into something in life with someone anyone, whether it be sports, relationships, friendships, etc that you are in much deeper than they are. Well, for the past weekend, I have had this nagging and very uncomfortable feeling in my gut. And last night on top of getting my RA in trouble this unsettling feeling bursted out and the truth came out. Everyone told me I was crazy, and I almost believed them, but I guess your gut is right more often than it is not. I mean something that felt so perfect, so right, a feeling that I have never had before, turned out to be wrong. Why is that? How is that? It just makes no sense to me what-so-ever. I just dont understand, is she afraid? Does she just not care? Did she just need someone? Who knows. It just makes no sense. I guess it is true what they say, if things feel like they are too good to be true, they probably are.
So, now I am faced with a gigantic problem. She being one of my best friends and someone I would hate to lose in any way, I have to somehow find the strength to hide all my pain and carry on as friends. Cuz I cannot lose her all the way. But, as simple as that sounds and as easy as it is for me to say, I had no idea how hard it was going to be. I mean this morning when I saw her it was more difficult than even i ever thought it would be, me being the extreme pessimist. I mean everytime I looked at her, I had to fight back the tears. I just pray to god that somehow I can get the strength to do it. Because I cannot lose her. She means too much to me.
I mean this is exactly why I dont let myself go very often. I am not a very outgoing person, and people always wonder why. Well, if you really need to know, it is because I do not handle pain very well. And I would just as much rather be alone without knowing what could be than lose at what might be. But, this was different, or it should of been. I just dont know where I went wrong. I guess I am just not the person I need to be. I dont have any other explanation. Hope all is well with everyone else.
Ever have that feeling when you go into something in life with someone anyone, whether it be sports, relationships, friendships, etc that you are in much deeper than they are. Well, for the past weekend, I have had this nagging and very uncomfortable feeling in my gut. And last night on top of getting my RA in trouble this unsettling feeling bursted out and the truth came out. Everyone told me I was crazy, and I almost believed them, but I guess your gut is right more often than it is not. I mean something that felt so perfect, so right, a feeling that I have never had before, turned out to be wrong. Why is that? How is that? It just makes no sense to me what-so-ever. I just dont understand, is she afraid? Does she just not care? Did she just need someone? Who knows. It just makes no sense. I guess it is true what they say, if things feel like they are too good to be true, they probably are.
So, now I am faced with a gigantic problem. She being one of my best friends and someone I would hate to lose in any way, I have to somehow find the strength to hide all my pain and carry on as friends. Cuz I cannot lose her all the way. But, as simple as that sounds and as easy as it is for me to say, I had no idea how hard it was going to be. I mean this morning when I saw her it was more difficult than even i ever thought it would be, me being the extreme pessimist. I mean everytime I looked at her, I had to fight back the tears. I just pray to god that somehow I can get the strength to do it. Because I cannot lose her. She means too much to me.
I mean this is exactly why I dont let myself go very often. I am not a very outgoing person, and people always wonder why. Well, if you really need to know, it is because I do not handle pain very well. And I would just as much rather be alone without knowing what could be than lose at what might be. But, this was different, or it should of been. I just dont know where I went wrong. I guess I am just not the person I need to be. I dont have any other explanation. Hope all is well with everyone else.