Four Years
Four Years
I know it’s been said once, and I’ll say it again: Whoever said it is better to love and have lost than to ever have loved was a fucking idiot. I’m sick of love and everything that comes with it. It’s a false reality that no one can truly achieve to its fullest extent. You’re probably thinking, oh, she’s just saying that because she’s jaded. You are very naive. Love is what one perceives love should be, there is no international standard, or directions to follow, it is just a word to describe what a generalized feeling is, like anger or happiness. But one thing is for certain, heartbreak and ache are very real - very physically painful things. Even though it is an emotional response, it truly hurts, deep in the core of our chests a hollow hole is created and a sense of emptiness and pain can be felt. Ironically, this is like death. Everyone goes through it, and they go through it alone.
In recent events that have occurred in my life, I choose to close the door on love and to no longer participate in it. It is foolish to think that I could love and be loved and that I would find happiness in this. I’m convinced there is no one for me, and the person I believed was the one, ended up being a shallow fake with selfish motives behind his decisions and actions. He believed that ending things were “the best thing for the both of us” and that is one thing that angers me more than anything. Who the hell is he to tell me that a decision HE made is the best for myself?! Aren’t I the one to make decisions for myself, don’t I know what is best for ME? Not only is he completely asinine to think that, but more so again, a self centered act that he forced me to abide by. He is a fool to think that a decision he made for himself will also be the decision I must make for myself. It’s like someone telling you to cut off your left had because they don’t need it and that means you don’t need it either, it’s “the best for the both of you” to cut off your left hands. Ridiculous. I wish he would realize that ending everything we have ever worked towards is purely his decision that he made for himself with no consideration on how I felt; he didn’t want it anymore so it must end for him.
Ok, fine, I can accept that, but don’t you dare ever tell me that it is something I need and should want also, you are no saint and have no knowledge in the field of functional relationships. I mean seriously, the only girl that you've had a relationship with that hasn't cheated on you or treated you like complete shit makes you unhappy. That makes no sense, you like being cheated on, treated like shit, and walked all over? You don’t know the meaning of commitment because you are too immature.
Speaking of that bullshit, I feel so completely…. Never mind, there is no word to describe how much I am hurt. I have never been hurt by ANYONE so deeply and so profoundly in my entire existence. I feel betrayed and lied to, I feel hate and sorrow, and above all I feel a deep and intense loss. He robs me of my sanity and of my well being to the point where I am unable to save my life. I’m being swallowed up by his weeds.
I was in a relationship with him for four years; that is longer than most of my friends that are now married have known their spouses!! And in this time, I have achieved nothing. One might say, ‘oh, but you have so many memories!’ again, what another pathetic and overused phrase. Sure, memories are nice if they bring joy and happiness to the person remembering, but if they bring regret and misery, there is no reason to remember anything at all. I returned most of his things this weekend and plan to do other things with the cards, letters, gifts and photos he’s ever given me. I’m not going to tell you what I intend to do with them in order to prevent being called a bitch, but none the less they are gone and I am to never remember we ever existed - it’s a part of my life that I rather think never happened. A friend of mine said it the best, “Nikki, don’t dwell on the time you spent with him, but remember all the things you did that made you happy while you weren’t with him.” I try to do that, but it is so incredibly hard, everything I have reminds me of him, especially now that I’m spending some time at my parent’s home. This is where it all began, in this town is where we met, his family lives right down the road and it’s hard to think that my reality as it once was no longer exists. Everything is different now, everything is changed. Even the way the air smells down here reminds me of him and it’s almost unbearable, I’d rather stop breathing and die than be reminded of him.
I wish there was something I could do to make him feel the completeness of devastation that he has brought upon me, but something that extreme is out of my control. I wish him complete failure in everything he attempts, I wish him sorrow and heartache, I wish him unhappiness and guilt, I wish him stress and despair and above all, I wish that everything he could ever want in life is never achieved. I curse him. No, I don’t want him to die or anything, but from deep down from the bottom of my blackened heart, I want him to live in misery for the rest of his life here on earth, to never find that joy that makes us fulfilled, that gives purpose to our lives.
He is the one who put on his wings of wax and flew towards the sun. Well unfortunately he just figured out that shit melts.
I know it’s been said once, and I’ll say it again: Whoever said it is better to love and have lost than to ever have loved was a fucking idiot. I’m sick of love and everything that comes with it. It’s a false reality that no one can truly achieve to its fullest extent. You’re probably thinking, oh, she’s just saying that because she’s jaded. You are very naive. Love is what one perceives love should be, there is no international standard, or directions to follow, it is just a word to describe what a generalized feeling is, like anger or happiness. But one thing is for certain, heartbreak and ache are very real - very physically painful things. Even though it is an emotional response, it truly hurts, deep in the core of our chests a hollow hole is created and a sense of emptiness and pain can be felt. Ironically, this is like death. Everyone goes through it, and they go through it alone.
In recent events that have occurred in my life, I choose to close the door on love and to no longer participate in it. It is foolish to think that I could love and be loved and that I would find happiness in this. I’m convinced there is no one for me, and the person I believed was the one, ended up being a shallow fake with selfish motives behind his decisions and actions. He believed that ending things were “the best thing for the both of us” and that is one thing that angers me more than anything. Who the hell is he to tell me that a decision HE made is the best for myself?! Aren’t I the one to make decisions for myself, don’t I know what is best for ME? Not only is he completely asinine to think that, but more so again, a self centered act that he forced me to abide by. He is a fool to think that a decision he made for himself will also be the decision I must make for myself. It’s like someone telling you to cut off your left had because they don’t need it and that means you don’t need it either, it’s “the best for the both of you” to cut off your left hands. Ridiculous. I wish he would realize that ending everything we have ever worked towards is purely his decision that he made for himself with no consideration on how I felt; he didn’t want it anymore so it must end for him.
Ok, fine, I can accept that, but don’t you dare ever tell me that it is something I need and should want also, you are no saint and have no knowledge in the field of functional relationships. I mean seriously, the only girl that you've had a relationship with that hasn't cheated on you or treated you like complete shit makes you unhappy. That makes no sense, you like being cheated on, treated like shit, and walked all over? You don’t know the meaning of commitment because you are too immature.
Speaking of that bullshit, I feel so completely…. Never mind, there is no word to describe how much I am hurt. I have never been hurt by ANYONE so deeply and so profoundly in my entire existence. I feel betrayed and lied to, I feel hate and sorrow, and above all I feel a deep and intense loss. He robs me of my sanity and of my well being to the point where I am unable to save my life. I’m being swallowed up by his weeds.
I was in a relationship with him for four years; that is longer than most of my friends that are now married have known their spouses!! And in this time, I have achieved nothing. One might say, ‘oh, but you have so many memories!’ again, what another pathetic and overused phrase. Sure, memories are nice if they bring joy and happiness to the person remembering, but if they bring regret and misery, there is no reason to remember anything at all. I returned most of his things this weekend and plan to do other things with the cards, letters, gifts and photos he’s ever given me. I’m not going to tell you what I intend to do with them in order to prevent being called a bitch, but none the less they are gone and I am to never remember we ever existed - it’s a part of my life that I rather think never happened. A friend of mine said it the best, “Nikki, don’t dwell on the time you spent with him, but remember all the things you did that made you happy while you weren’t with him.” I try to do that, but it is so incredibly hard, everything I have reminds me of him, especially now that I’m spending some time at my parent’s home. This is where it all began, in this town is where we met, his family lives right down the road and it’s hard to think that my reality as it once was no longer exists. Everything is different now, everything is changed. Even the way the air smells down here reminds me of him and it’s almost unbearable, I’d rather stop breathing and die than be reminded of him.
I wish there was something I could do to make him feel the completeness of devastation that he has brought upon me, but something that extreme is out of my control. I wish him complete failure in everything he attempts, I wish him sorrow and heartache, I wish him unhappiness and guilt, I wish him stress and despair and above all, I wish that everything he could ever want in life is never achieved. I curse him. No, I don’t want him to die or anything, but from deep down from the bottom of my blackened heart, I want him to live in misery for the rest of his life here on earth, to never find that joy that makes us fulfilled, that gives purpose to our lives.
He is the one who put on his wings of wax and flew towards the sun. Well unfortunately he just figured out that shit melts.