Question: Am I Doing OK?
I went to B-GLAD tonight, which was a lot of fun, and during which I got covered in tie-dye pain by a horde of freshmen (and Nell). And I realized as it was ending that I made a lot of acquaintances-turned-friends. And I'm going to miss them. And I may never see them again.
And I know that losing friends and what not is part of growing up and getting past college. I don't want to be the creepy guy who just hangs around campus and refuses to go away. And I'm scared I will be. I'm scared of growing up. I'm absolutely terrified though, of being a loser who doesn't do anything.
And I went through the same thing when I graduated from high school and moved 2400 miles away. And maybe the same thing will happen this year, where I lost touch with most of them. And that's how I rolled. And it was OK. In the end, it was OK. But it took me three and a half years to be OK. It took a year or so of the right medication for me to really feel it and be OK. I started feeling like a full person again around October.
And I know that despite all the improvements I've made, there's still a long way to go before I stop being some of my worse traits. I'm still brash, loud, annoying, and immature. It's hard to like me sometimes. But that's part of being me I guess. Maybe some people will like me despite my flaws. I know I have plenty of friends now. It's hard for me to believe, but it's true.
I guess it's just one of those transitional freak-out periods. I've already begun making lists in my head of all the shit I've not done as a college student. None of it will get done. But at some point, I'll just have to accept that. And hope that my medication keeps doing its job. I worry sometimes that I'm overly reliant on it. That my better living through chemistry is all of who I am. I guess I'll just have to keep guessing. Or something.
And I know that losing friends and what not is part of growing up and getting past college. I don't want to be the creepy guy who just hangs around campus and refuses to go away. And I'm scared I will be. I'm scared of growing up. I'm absolutely terrified though, of being a loser who doesn't do anything.
And I went through the same thing when I graduated from high school and moved 2400 miles away. And maybe the same thing will happen this year, where I lost touch with most of them. And that's how I rolled. And it was OK. In the end, it was OK. But it took me three and a half years to be OK. It took a year or so of the right medication for me to really feel it and be OK. I started feeling like a full person again around October.
And I know that despite all the improvements I've made, there's still a long way to go before I stop being some of my worse traits. I'm still brash, loud, annoying, and immature. It's hard to like me sometimes. But that's part of being me I guess. Maybe some people will like me despite my flaws. I know I have plenty of friends now. It's hard for me to believe, but it's true.
I guess it's just one of those transitional freak-out periods. I've already begun making lists in my head of all the shit I've not done as a college student. None of it will get done. But at some point, I'll just have to accept that. And hope that my medication keeps doing its job. I worry sometimes that I'm overly reliant on it. That my better living through chemistry is all of who I am. I guess I'll just have to keep guessing. Or something.