clinging for dear life
as of late i've relapsed into thoughts about amanda (see entry #2 for information about her). It's not often, but every once in a while, usually once or twice a week, I start thinking about her. It's not a thought of love, it's not a thought of fondness, it's a thought of hate, and anger. It bothers me.
Here i am, 5 months after Amanda and I parted, and I'm still thinking about the pain. It probably doesn't help that i still see her often...her and her asshole boyfriend, the one who stole her away from me. He's even more of a tool than i could have imagined. I don't know what she see's in him.
Sometimes i want to send her an IM and tell her she's such a fucking slut. i want to yell "fuck you, you stupid slut. fuck you i fucking hate you, why the fuck would you do this to me? break me in half like you do. i should have guessed this would happen when you told me you had a guy cry at your feet at your house. do you do this to all of the men in your life or just me? You said you entertained the thought of being with me. is that what i am? entertainment? fuck you and i hope you fucking die."
i see her in the hallways, and she says, "hi ben", i want to snap back "fuck you bitch". but i don't. because i'm a coward, just like when i went back to her in december. i ran back to her a broken man. i needed to feel her again, i needed to feel her skin on mine. I was such a coward. For a while i thought i was doing well, and in many ways i think i still am, but there are times, like now, when i want to yell at the top of my lungs, but know that it won't justify the pain and the anger that i feel for her.
Sometimes i wonder how the hell i felt for her. What did i see in her? i don't know anymore. It's sad that one person can do this to you.
fuck you amanda. fuck you for what you did to me. you will never know the pain that you've caused me. all while you close your eyes and kiss your fucking boyfriend who's such a douchebag. he's such an asshole, can't you see it? of course not, because you're stupid bitch, who fits right in. i hope you're fucking happy.
burn in hell.....
Here i am, 5 months after Amanda and I parted, and I'm still thinking about the pain. It probably doesn't help that i still see her often...her and her asshole boyfriend, the one who stole her away from me. He's even more of a tool than i could have imagined. I don't know what she see's in him.
Sometimes i want to send her an IM and tell her she's such a fucking slut. i want to yell "fuck you, you stupid slut. fuck you i fucking hate you, why the fuck would you do this to me? break me in half like you do. i should have guessed this would happen when you told me you had a guy cry at your feet at your house. do you do this to all of the men in your life or just me? You said you entertained the thought of being with me. is that what i am? entertainment? fuck you and i hope you fucking die."
i see her in the hallways, and she says, "hi ben", i want to snap back "fuck you bitch". but i don't. because i'm a coward, just like when i went back to her in december. i ran back to her a broken man. i needed to feel her again, i needed to feel her skin on mine. I was such a coward. For a while i thought i was doing well, and in many ways i think i still am, but there are times, like now, when i want to yell at the top of my lungs, but know that it won't justify the pain and the anger that i feel for her.
Sometimes i wonder how the hell i felt for her. What did i see in her? i don't know anymore. It's sad that one person can do this to you.
fuck you amanda. fuck you for what you did to me. you will never know the pain that you've caused me. all while you close your eyes and kiss your fucking boyfriend who's such a douchebag. he's such an asshole, can't you see it? of course not, because you're stupid bitch, who fits right in. i hope you're fucking happy.
burn in hell.....