(no subject)
What to do what to do. The spectre of oppression and confinement is hanging heavy over me. I can either gamble, and risk being jailed sooner, or wait and assure imprisonment later. I have a heavy heart, I feel that I may have permanently lost my ability to be aware of time. It is as though everything is on hold, a conservative view that says nothing can ever change, and all is false. I keep saying that maybe I'll be gone soon, that nothing will matter. But in the end I do not think I have the stomach to make real and decisive plans. I'm unable to plan eating, much less permanence. I just wish that I had some one I could be assured actually was affected, some other interested party. Some one to push me into doing something. Ever since this first started a decade ago I've felt like crying would stifle the oppressive feelings I have, but they don't. Nothing makes me feel like anything is alright. Luck has left me, and I am totally alone.