New life in Oregon.
So I moved across the country.
I'm still getting money worked out. My job isn't ideal yet but my boss said he'll work with me to get me the hours I want. This is good. Target is also very flexible and full of lazy college kids who don't need the money. I'll be happy to take their shifts.
Things I'm still getting used to in Oregon: Not pumping your own gas. No sales tax. One-way roads in this city. Throngs of college kids. A boyfriend I can both touch AND respect.
The no salestax made me do a doubletake yesterday. I went to a fast food place and ordered something for $4.00 and something for $2.00. My total was $6.00, and not like, $6.35 or something. It was so weird.
I am also infatuated with Blake. I knew I would be, it's just still bizarre to have him around so much. I am having a difficult time accepting that everything happening around me is actually real. I didn't expect all of this to still be outside my realm of things that are possible when I got here. It's amazing and liberating and I love it. My whole world has changed, more than I expected it to. Rules have changed, yet I know that the laws of the human universe are still the same. It's kind of like losing the feeling of "this can never happen to me." You know, logically, that it can, but your brain refuses to accept that it could. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. If you want something to happen, then strive for it and don't give up. Persevere and you can accomplish anything, even the unlikely, if you do what is required of you. If you want to avoid something, you can't fucking hope it won't happen. You have to be careful and take the necessary precautions. You have to watch your own fucking back.
I still think that no one can help me but me. And even if Blake is willing to do everything he can to help me, I don't want him to have to. And it's not just because I don't want to be that kind of person, and I want to support him, not take from him. It's also because I know it's unwise to rely on someone to be there for you. It's not about trust. Of course I trust him. It's about being realistic. There won't always be someone to save you, so you have to know how to take care of yourself. You have to know how to face the consequences.
I want to let go and put all of my fears and worries onto him, so that he's the only thing holding onto me in the world. But I think everyone wants to let go, to be free of responsibility. I can't be weak like everyone else. I have to force myself to be responsible, to face life. And even though I know it's the right thing, some small part of me still doesn't accept it. I don't want to rebel, necessarily, it's that I want to resist the algorithms of life. Sleep, work, play, sleep. Whether work is school or a job, it's still work. Everything requires work. This is a give and take system. Not the American social system but the entire world. If you want something, you invest in getting it.
But underneath it I FEEL LIKE there's something WRONG about it. That it's against my nature. Not MY nature, necessarily, but HUMAN nature. To conform to a routine so tedious. It's like I'm trying to be something I am not meant to be, this cut and dry American working citizen. So what DO I think that I'm meant to be? Maybe a gelatinous blob. I have no idea.
Wow I think I went off on a tangent there.
I know that in time, I will have everything figured out. At the end of the day, I'm still sharing the same bed with the most amazing person I've ever met.
I feel everything I've ever learned being put to use in this new situation. How to love unselfishly, even when all I want is to lay with him in bed all day and do nothing. One day we'll have to do that, when we can manage. But I love that both of us are so busy that we cannot. It's a good sign of two healthy people. I am every clingy boyfriend I've ever had. I've never been clingy. NEVER. And now I can't get enough of him. It takes everything I have to keep my emotions barred when I know he needs space, and not be near him whenever he appears unoccupied. I know the importance of space.
So when he's talking to Ally or just surfing Wikipedia or doing his homework or whatever. I know it must feel like, to him, everything is temporary, and the only things that really matter to him are me and school. His job serves as a life function but it's not as important to him. When he's in class, THAT is his life progressing in the direction he's aiming for it to go. Everything he's doing is to achieve that aim. I have every confidence he's going to get where he wants to go, as long as the world doesn't fight against him.
He's my inspiration.
I'm also putting to use a more recent lesson I've learned, how to push yourself. I've got to do an inordinate amount of various THINGS, a word I capitalized to emphasize the sheer magnitude of what I need to be doing, and I can't feel intimidated by what's expected of me. And to my own surprise, it is eerily easy to lock away my fears and just DO IT. I feel like, perhaps, these fears will manifest as something else. I remember Blake said something about thinking it's kind of adorable when girls cry. If that's still true, perhaps I can just pile on the stress and push through the debris caused by my dramatic entrance in this new life, and at the end of the day I can let go of it all, and he'll be there for me to keep my cheeks dry and solidify our bond.
Because, despite all of my fear of dependence and emotional vulnerability, what I really want, ultimately, IS to let go. And in many scenarios, that's unacceptable, like I talked about above. To not try at life and to just hope things turn out all right is weakness, and even if my basic instincts resist that I'm forcing myself to do what society expects of any adult, I know that if there's SOMETHING I'm not, it's weak. But people aren't black holes for torment. They lock it up somewhere but it builds up, and eventually it has to come out. Instead of having a nervous breakdown, if Blake doesn't mind, he'll be my release of all of it.
I only worry that realistically, that would probably exhaust him. I also worry, now that I think of it, that he doesn't quite view me as the same kind of outlet for his personal rage and frustration. I mean, he DOES, in a way. I can't elaborate on that. But I don't think he's letting EVERYTHING out. You can release your anger but it still might leave sorrow in its place.
I hope that in time he'll come to trust me. I know he wants it, somewhere inside him. But he's so walled off, so scarred from SOMETHING, or maybe EVERYTHING, that it's not going to be easy to latch himself onto anyone. And although I love him and admire him, our relationship IS still young. I do believe that, in time, he'll see me less as someone he needs to impress, and more someone that accepts everything that he is. Less as someONE, and more an entity of love and understanding. I only want to support him, and keep him balanced. His life is exhausting. I want to be what keeps him sane (in all the important ways). This can happen. All it will take is time.
And I'm still trying to accept that starting now, I have an infinite supply of that with him. We share a home. He's part of my life. This isn't some internet visit. He's not going away. I'm not going home. He is my home.
Maybe in a few months this will all become normal to me. But until then I still feel like I'm in a dream.
I'm still getting money worked out. My job isn't ideal yet but my boss said he'll work with me to get me the hours I want. This is good. Target is also very flexible and full of lazy college kids who don't need the money. I'll be happy to take their shifts.
Things I'm still getting used to in Oregon: Not pumping your own gas. No sales tax. One-way roads in this city. Throngs of college kids. A boyfriend I can both touch AND respect.
The no salestax made me do a doubletake yesterday. I went to a fast food place and ordered something for $4.00 and something for $2.00. My total was $6.00, and not like, $6.35 or something. It was so weird.
I am also infatuated with Blake. I knew I would be, it's just still bizarre to have him around so much. I am having a difficult time accepting that everything happening around me is actually real. I didn't expect all of this to still be outside my realm of things that are possible when I got here. It's amazing and liberating and I love it. My whole world has changed, more than I expected it to. Rules have changed, yet I know that the laws of the human universe are still the same. It's kind of like losing the feeling of "this can never happen to me." You know, logically, that it can, but your brain refuses to accept that it could. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. If you want something to happen, then strive for it and don't give up. Persevere and you can accomplish anything, even the unlikely, if you do what is required of you. If you want to avoid something, you can't fucking hope it won't happen. You have to be careful and take the necessary precautions. You have to watch your own fucking back.
I still think that no one can help me but me. And even if Blake is willing to do everything he can to help me, I don't want him to have to. And it's not just because I don't want to be that kind of person, and I want to support him, not take from him. It's also because I know it's unwise to rely on someone to be there for you. It's not about trust. Of course I trust him. It's about being realistic. There won't always be someone to save you, so you have to know how to take care of yourself. You have to know how to face the consequences.
I want to let go and put all of my fears and worries onto him, so that he's the only thing holding onto me in the world. But I think everyone wants to let go, to be free of responsibility. I can't be weak like everyone else. I have to force myself to be responsible, to face life. And even though I know it's the right thing, some small part of me still doesn't accept it. I don't want to rebel, necessarily, it's that I want to resist the algorithms of life. Sleep, work, play, sleep. Whether work is school or a job, it's still work. Everything requires work. This is a give and take system. Not the American social system but the entire world. If you want something, you invest in getting it.
But underneath it I FEEL LIKE there's something WRONG about it. That it's against my nature. Not MY nature, necessarily, but HUMAN nature. To conform to a routine so tedious. It's like I'm trying to be something I am not meant to be, this cut and dry American working citizen. So what DO I think that I'm meant to be? Maybe a gelatinous blob. I have no idea.
Wow I think I went off on a tangent there.
I know that in time, I will have everything figured out. At the end of the day, I'm still sharing the same bed with the most amazing person I've ever met.
I feel everything I've ever learned being put to use in this new situation. How to love unselfishly, even when all I want is to lay with him in bed all day and do nothing. One day we'll have to do that, when we can manage. But I love that both of us are so busy that we cannot. It's a good sign of two healthy people. I am every clingy boyfriend I've ever had. I've never been clingy. NEVER. And now I can't get enough of him. It takes everything I have to keep my emotions barred when I know he needs space, and not be near him whenever he appears unoccupied. I know the importance of space.
So when he's talking to Ally or just surfing Wikipedia or doing his homework or whatever. I know it must feel like, to him, everything is temporary, and the only things that really matter to him are me and school. His job serves as a life function but it's not as important to him. When he's in class, THAT is his life progressing in the direction he's aiming for it to go. Everything he's doing is to achieve that aim. I have every confidence he's going to get where he wants to go, as long as the world doesn't fight against him.
He's my inspiration.
I'm also putting to use a more recent lesson I've learned, how to push yourself. I've got to do an inordinate amount of various THINGS, a word I capitalized to emphasize the sheer magnitude of what I need to be doing, and I can't feel intimidated by what's expected of me. And to my own surprise, it is eerily easy to lock away my fears and just DO IT. I feel like, perhaps, these fears will manifest as something else. I remember Blake said something about thinking it's kind of adorable when girls cry. If that's still true, perhaps I can just pile on the stress and push through the debris caused by my dramatic entrance in this new life, and at the end of the day I can let go of it all, and he'll be there for me to keep my cheeks dry and solidify our bond.
Because, despite all of my fear of dependence and emotional vulnerability, what I really want, ultimately, IS to let go. And in many scenarios, that's unacceptable, like I talked about above. To not try at life and to just hope things turn out all right is weakness, and even if my basic instincts resist that I'm forcing myself to do what society expects of any adult, I know that if there's SOMETHING I'm not, it's weak. But people aren't black holes for torment. They lock it up somewhere but it builds up, and eventually it has to come out. Instead of having a nervous breakdown, if Blake doesn't mind, he'll be my release of all of it.
I only worry that realistically, that would probably exhaust him. I also worry, now that I think of it, that he doesn't quite view me as the same kind of outlet for his personal rage and frustration. I mean, he DOES, in a way. I can't elaborate on that. But I don't think he's letting EVERYTHING out. You can release your anger but it still might leave sorrow in its place.
I hope that in time he'll come to trust me. I know he wants it, somewhere inside him. But he's so walled off, so scarred from SOMETHING, or maybe EVERYTHING, that it's not going to be easy to latch himself onto anyone. And although I love him and admire him, our relationship IS still young. I do believe that, in time, he'll see me less as someone he needs to impress, and more someone that accepts everything that he is. Less as someONE, and more an entity of love and understanding. I only want to support him, and keep him balanced. His life is exhausting. I want to be what keeps him sane (in all the important ways). This can happen. All it will take is time.
And I'm still trying to accept that starting now, I have an infinite supply of that with him. We share a home. He's part of my life. This isn't some internet visit. He's not going away. I'm not going home. He is my home.
Maybe in a few months this will all become normal to me. But until then I still feel like I'm in a dream.