Paranoia
Paranoia is a gradual condition. It starts as a vague fear that goes unconfirmed and unconsoled and it germinates and gets worse and worse. The line between rational and irrational fears becomes blurred, and you can't tell whether you're being realistic anymore. Is this too much to hope for? I fought against myself, deciding for one last time to believe in something, to devote myself to someone and something and see it through to the bitter end. Now I wonder if I haven't made a mistake. Misjudged something. If I'm not longer seen for who I am.
But now it's as if I'm hopping on a diving board, preparing for my dive, and for a minute I've faltered and my balance is off. And in this half second while I'm in the air, I don't know if I'm going to land on diving board again, or if I've lost it and it's going to come slamming me in the face. Instinct tells me that I'm going to land again just fine, and the dive will be successful without incident. But there's a margin of doubt, as instinct can betray you, and my heart has leapt into my throat.
Please let everything be okay. I don't want to be alone anymore.
But now it's as if I'm hopping on a diving board, preparing for my dive, and for a minute I've faltered and my balance is off. And in this half second while I'm in the air, I don't know if I'm going to land on diving board again, or if I've lost it and it's going to come slamming me in the face. Instinct tells me that I'm going to land again just fine, and the dive will be successful without incident. But there's a margin of doubt, as instinct can betray you, and my heart has leapt into my throat.
Please let everything be okay. I don't want to be alone anymore.