(no subject)
Obsession with the mundane.
I find something, and no matter how silly, useless, or wasteful of time it is, I do it for hours and hours until there is no more day left. It's super frustrating. Of course, I don't care while I'm in the middle of wasting time, but later I deeply regret it. And that lasts about 12 hours and then I find myself doing it again. That being said, to get rid of the mundane accomplishments make me feel like I really did waste my time and didn't enjoy it or whatever, but that leaves me in a circle I don't want to get out of just as much as I want out of it. My impulsive tendancies have escalated in the last three years, and while it's been refreshing not to be thinking about what everyone else might be thinking of me and hence ending in a downward spiral, at least then I had good grades and was proud of myself more than once in a while. Granted, I was miserable and wallowing in self-pity most of the time too, so which is really better? Is it not possible to have the best of both worlds? I have been really good about taking responsibility for my actions in these last few years too. The side effect? Things happen and because having to admit I was wrong is not so hard anymore, I don't stress so much about getting things done. Side effect: I stress later that I didn't do it. Not as bad, but still not healthy. Part of going to college is figuring out about yourself, but the more I find out the more I get frustrated with myself and now every time I find something I have a hard time appreciating it, let alone liking it. In fact, I tend to get even more frustrated at my lack of motivation to fix elements of my character that I find lacking or issues that I find myself repeatedly being guilty of doing. Like always being late (which I have been good about recently. Just barely...). Or, not doing assignments, or getting frustrating and QUITTING. Since when have I just given up so, so easily? There's that process of recognizing there something wrong, but I seem to have been stuck on that step for far too long. It's like coming out of a deep well, very, very slowly, reaching for holds and not finding them, and waiting for one to appear instead of actively searching for answers, holds that would help me up, up and out of the well. It's not really that deep. It just feels like it is. And the bottom, where it's only a little wet, is much more comfortable than being stuck on the walls, holding on, not wanting to fall and even scared of it, but somehow knowing that if I don't get my act together I'll hit rock bottom. Maybe they will be some water there, this time too.
I really want to kick this in the butt. I want to do really well this semester. And if I have to talk myself into studying every time, so be it. But I will learn, and I will complete assignments, and I will be proud of myself for working my butt off. And, I will have fun. I will see friends, and I will play videos games, and I will watch the office. I will work (a little). But I will keep my eyes on The Goal too. That, that might be the most important key to this working.
I can't be perfect. I know. But better than I am right now would be nice. More dependable. Less lethargic. More contemplative. Little less impulsive. More thrifty. And better at time management.
Just a little list....
And exercise. For mental health and to encourage healthier eating. Part of the lethargy comes from lack of energy, aka food. Not that I don't eat, I just get really picky and don't want to eat anything at times. Lots of times during the school year...
I'm looking for roommates for the summer and fall, and the search is beginning. I'm really hoping that Sarah moves in with me. I really like her, respect her, and wouldn't have to worry about some strange person I don't know. I should broach stuff with Kurumi too...see if she needs a summer place to stay. Sarah would be ideal though.
We'll see. Whatever works for everyone...right?
Alrighty...time for dinner. Soup and toast me thinks.