(no subject)
feeling of loneliness or how ever one should feel comfortable... the day the blood ran from my veins i thought i would be the happiest for the rest of my life. having two friends that really cared for me, and i actually pretended that it was true, that they really did care for me. but in truth their feeling toward me must have been something out my own imagination because there is no way anyone could actually feel that way towards me. it must have been there pity that made them convince themsleves that the whole blood sister thing was a good idea, it was not. i have been more hurt by that little night then by anyone in my entire life. not physically or mentally but emotionally, simply because of my naive thought process. how stupid must one be to believe that two people that you care for do not return the favor. even when its your birthday. but i don't know what i expected. i wanted to be forgotten but i wanted people to remember my birthday... yeah i can see why i wanted that. i didn't want to be remembered as a person they knew but as a reminder of what life could be like, and that my birthday would symbolize something that had some significant part in their "meaningless consumer driven lives" but once again i was wrong. it holds no meaning for anyone. nobody remembers any part of me. sure we see each other at the movies or the store, but it always seems to be uncomfortable for them so, even though i want to craw into their lives just so i wont be alone with my thoughts, i let them go as soon as that uncomfortable silence seeps into the conversations. i make up some lie that i have to meet somebody or that my parents are waiting for me... i say my sweet goodbyes in hopes of them saying, once they turned their backs, "you know i really miss her". but nothing ever happens they join up with some other friends and almost a quickly as i appeared i am yet again forgotten... pushed to the back of their memory until we meet again in which the process will come full circle, and i will be hurt. i don't know how many times after talking with someone i thought cared about me, that i was so upset i went to the bathroom and just cried because i thought i had them as i once did, but yet again my mind tricked me. it always tricks me.