won't worry my life...
I've been trying to make sense of what’s happening to me ever since I felt so lost. Man, how long have I’ve been lost? I can’t even remember. But all I know is ever since the 2nd semester had started, I got stuck. An impasse, I guess. And so I told myself, after this semester, I’m going to write something about it. So after the semester ended, I've been trying to recall all the things that happened. Trying to think of what really happened. What could be the greatest lesson I've learned. Or maybe a great story to tell. But then I realized that everything seems to be so unclear. Like a turbid solution on a chemistry experiment.
Impasse…
This 2nd semester was a rollercoaster ride. Today you’re so happy about things, the next day, you’re f*cked up. Then everything’s fine again. Every day is a surprised. After the week ends, you can look back and say, HELL YEAH I SURVIVED. But I must say that this semester is not the semester where I can say that my academic performance was great.
Yeah all this time I am aware that I’m not performing at my best. There’s something lacking. Something hinders me. But I don’t want to put myself down. I told myself, “love yourself” learn how to because I know you don’t know how to. It would be the greatest lesson you’ll ever learn. It is more than what your book can bring you. And so I got so busy. I’m discovering, exploring, and testing my capabilities, Aliza as a whole while doing what the society dictates you to do. Study and be a good person. I was like searching for myself. And on my way…I got lost.
Lost. Been feeling so lost at my own road. Do you know the feeling of being lost at your own place? It feels stupid. And you know that there is really something wrong with you when that thing happens. No directions and no motivation. It feels shit. Like every day when I woke up, it feels the same. I don’t know what I am doing. Where am I heading?
Then I started to compare my performance before and now. And I unconsciously criticizes myself. I’m letting myself down. I was so busy looking back that I forgot how to move forward. I told myself that I should learn how to love myself but then I was doing the otherwise.
An impasse.
To escape.....
That was the only thing that I wanted to do. To escape from the place I’m in. I got so tired and fed up of things. All I wanted to do is to escape…
“Praise Him”
I saw it on someone else’s laptop. It was a note. The first time I’ve read it I didn’t give much attention to it. But then, when I’ve read it again, it got stuck on my head. I realized, that all these time I thought I’ve been trying to push this person who owns the laptop to get close to Him but I, I forgot that I was doing the otherwise. I forgot to pray whenever I’m down. Because when I do, I can only feel this hollowness inside me. I’ve been asking God to bring me back. No reinforcement. I was digging my way down. Still can’t shake some sense out of me. But now, I realized. He’s still great. He indirectly guides me…trying to pull me back on the right road by means of my friends. He pushed me to these two lads. Oh I owe them big time. I tried to do the counterfactual thinking. The “what-ifs”.
What if they were not there? What could have I done? Maybe something really bad happened to me. I might go home late because I’ve been trying to avoid home. I could really be exposed to danger. Or maybe I tried to smoke already or got so drunk. I was lucky He was there with me through their presence.
I’m not their responsibility but they never forsake me.
That night…
I won’t forget that night. It was one of the finals exam night. It was the night that for the first time, I felt like I REALLY want to run off from the place they call home. God knows and my journal knows how painful it was. Even until now, whenever I tried to recall that moment, it still brings me tears. I was praying back then, praying if God can let me flee. Flee indeed because I was so tired that I don’t even want a solution to these dilemmas, I just want to leave it that way. And right after I prayed, on the middle of that painful night, someone called me. He didn’t bring any solutions. He just asked me what happened but didn’t insist when I refused to answer. Instead, he distracts me. I felt the relief. Maybe until now he doesn’t know what he did but I will always be thankful to him. And I’m glad he was the one that God sent to distract me.
That’s why I felt so irritated when he blames himself for everything. Silly lad!
How life can be so ironic?
All I wanted is to learn how to love myself but what I did was the otherwise. I’ve been trying to remind someone to praise Him but I was doing the otherwise and instead he was the one who did what I’ve been trying to do for that person.
And that person thought that he was the one accountable for the bad things that happened to me. But it was the otherwise. He was the one who’s dragging me back to reality.
Realizations…
It was only this day when everything seems to have meaning. When we were in church, it hits me. I became so self-centered. I was so busy focusing on myself only. Forgot about Him. Forgot what I am living for. Forgot where I am heading to.
Now I have a new philosophy in life. I won’t worry my life away. I won’t be a worrier anymore. That will be my first step towards loving myself.