In the spirit of actually using this as a real journal...? XWX
Aw man, I got kinda randomly sad today about a friend I have, her name is bbz. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH BABIEZ, lol owo We used to be super close, and she was the first close girl friend I've had in a super long time, and I was really happy about that. I mean I was pretty awkward around her cause i am an AWKWARD PERSON and NEVER KNOW WHAT TO TALK ABOUT, but it was cool and we hung out and went to parties together and it was fun.
But like...maybe a half a year ago she got super into comedy, and bein a comedian. And at first it was really exciting and I was super happy for her. I went to a lot of her shows, and I was really proud of her. But she started getting this weird guilt thing where she--you know when you want something so bad you're afraid to burden other people with that want, so you start self-destructively pushing them to do precisely what you don't want in an effort to unburden them? She started actively discouraging ppl from goin to her shows cause she didn't want them to "feel obligated to", which I understand. I totally understand.
But I couldn't...like, I couldn't convince her that I didn't feel obligated even though I tried. So it became a bit awkward, her like DON'T COME WHY DID YOU COME and me like "...uhm. i...am sorry?"
And then eventually she was doing comedy almost every night, including weekends. She started hanging out with a lot of fellow comedians. Which was fine cause like, they were pretty cool people. I sorta tried to hang out with them and stuff. But like, she didn't really invite me to parties--just shows. It's kinda hard to not to ask yourself why you're there at the after-show when they're all comedians relaxing after a set and talkin about comedy and you're--not.
Does that sound whiny? That sounds pretty whiny, I guess. Ugh, I don't want to come off as someone who walks in and just deadens a party. I like to think I'm sorta fun sometimes...i like to think i'm not absolutely horrible with people. I guess that's a whole different issue, lol owo
But like...you gotta have stuff in common. If you're a football guy and you walk into a hipster bar, it's just--it's hard. You gotta have something in common. And drinking helps. xwx
But so like...yeah. She kind of...drifted away. And I missed her at first, cause we used to be really close, and I had started depending on her more and more. But then I was like, I can't just mope around. I gotta make new friends. So I went and made new friends. Life is pretty good right now, for me, in terms of friends. I have a lotta people I love, and I hope they sorta like me too.
The thing is though, recently she went through some tough stuff, and started doin comedy a little less, and started talkin to me a bit online.
And like...I don't know.
Like, she has always wanted to be my friend, and never stopped making an effort to maintain the friendship, it's definitely not like we drifted apart on purpose for her. But I don't know how to be around her anymore. I hung out with her recently and it was just like...I didn't know what to do or say. It was sorta like we were strangers. I think she thinks I hate her maybe and I don't, I just...don't...know what to say.
So anyway, it was her birthday like yesterday or the day before apparently. And I have incredibly mixed feelings about a) being my normal scatterbrained self and not knowing it was her birthday in the first place and b) possibly there was a party? i got a txt about a party? and I was only sort of halfway confusingly invited by one of her comedy friends. Obviously: did not go.
How would I even begin to face her after forgetting her birthday, man? In addition to being not-really-invited? This combination of guilt, annoyance, self-deprecation, love, hope, despair, affection, and above all fruitless understanding of this entire situation from a birds-eye view is staggering in its utter uselessness to me.
Goddammit why did I have to go and think this hard. Nothing good comes from thinking this hard. The harder I think alone the less I like myself, man. And maybe that's too honest but fuck it. Aaaaaaaa.
The point is: I feel like I'm losing a friend, once again, because of my own failings, and there's nothing really I can do.
Sucks. Sucks.
HOW CAN I FIX THIS. CAN I EVEN FIX THIS. i dont think its possible. the moment i try i start thinking too hard and become incapacitated.
GODDAMMIT I HATE THINKING TOO HARD.
...the end of this post owo
i should probably not post this annoying amount of boring honesty at all but i...lol i dunno. today is the day for bad judgment orz;;;