Project Jealousy
Today was the last day of final project presentations at the ETC, and my group presented. That should make me done with school for the semester, and you'd think I'd be happy, but that's not quite how it went. Oh our presentation went well. I think people were pretty impressed with how much we accomplished this semester. The dome, our project, was something that people at the ETC didn't have real confidance in, and as was our goal, I believe we restored faith in the dome as a viable platform. Although why we had to work on a clearly second class project in the first place is unknown.
And that's just the beginning of the problem. We went third today, right after the two largest and most successful projects. I don't think it would have really been fair to put anyone after them. Compared to what they achieved, our work looked pathetic, even though that was really only due to difference of objectives. Our goal was, without a client that actually wanted our games, to make many prototypes to test features of the dome. So not only does work that is intended for the dome have to some strict limitations that make it hard to achieve a high quality look, and not only is work built for the dome almost impossible to show outside the dome without another reduction in quality, but our goal was explicitly not to pollish our experiences. In contrast, the Give Kids the World movie, along with Animateering, and the Interbots Initiative had client with a definitive idea of a deliverable on a close deadline for a very finished product capable of being played with by kids.
But it isn't even the contrast that's my problem. I know people say you should love your project, and I think I did like working on the dome, but I just liked what everyone else did so much better. Seeing a New York City press conference to kick of the first World's Fair for Kids in Orlando next spring with the ETC's Quasi as the official spokes-robot, was very exciting and impressive. But at the same time it made me jealous. Those students poured their heart and sole into their project. They were even the ones to come up with the idea originally, and now they've got their own company, highly desirable IP, lots of publicity, and real pride in some amazing work done. In contrast, I don't feel that I've ever had a great idea. I've never pollished or finished any project in my life. I'm a good programmer and I can make good contributions to projects. I work hard and do a good job, but what I am I good at doesn't generate work that I care about having pride in. I have no idea what I want to do in life because there is a big disconnect between what kind of work I envy and the kind of work I even begin to know how to do.
In the ETC I get assigned the second class projects. Animateering was good the semester before I worked on it, when they were working to install for the Childrens Museum, and the semester after, when it was pollished for Give Kids the World. It's true that a lot of the code in there is still mine, it was our idea that ended up in the final project. But I wasn't in the project whose result was the exciting finished piece that kids will no doubt enjoy. I could chock it up to luck of the draw, but I can't help thinking of Randy's advice in BVW, what is the one common denominator in all these experience that I haven't been happy with, me. So given that I place all the blame squarely on myself, what do I do to fix the problem? Well, the faculty haven't been much help but they aren't dissatisfied with my work. Only I am. So that leaves two possibilities. Either my problem is mental, I am just too critical of my own work in a way that I will never think anything I've worked on is as good as anything I have only seen and don't know the details of, in which case I need to figure out how to stop thinking that way. Or my problem is that my work is good enough, but not as good as some other people's, but I'm the only one who sees that as a problem. I guess not everyone can be the best, but does that mean I should just settle and do what I can and leave the fun, fame, and glory (and Disney jobs) for the Shanes, Andys, Kyles, Peters, and whomever? Is it reasonable for me to have higher standards of myself, not except how I'm doing, and what do I do to get to where I want to be, in the truely exceptional?
And that's just the beginning of the problem. We went third today, right after the two largest and most successful projects. I don't think it would have really been fair to put anyone after them. Compared to what they achieved, our work looked pathetic, even though that was really only due to difference of objectives. Our goal was, without a client that actually wanted our games, to make many prototypes to test features of the dome. So not only does work that is intended for the dome have to some strict limitations that make it hard to achieve a high quality look, and not only is work built for the dome almost impossible to show outside the dome without another reduction in quality, but our goal was explicitly not to pollish our experiences. In contrast, the Give Kids the World movie, along with Animateering, and the Interbots Initiative had client with a definitive idea of a deliverable on a close deadline for a very finished product capable of being played with by kids.
But it isn't even the contrast that's my problem. I know people say you should love your project, and I think I did like working on the dome, but I just liked what everyone else did so much better. Seeing a New York City press conference to kick of the first World's Fair for Kids in Orlando next spring with the ETC's Quasi as the official spokes-robot, was very exciting and impressive. But at the same time it made me jealous. Those students poured their heart and sole into their project. They were even the ones to come up with the idea originally, and now they've got their own company, highly desirable IP, lots of publicity, and real pride in some amazing work done. In contrast, I don't feel that I've ever had a great idea. I've never pollished or finished any project in my life. I'm a good programmer and I can make good contributions to projects. I work hard and do a good job, but what I am I good at doesn't generate work that I care about having pride in. I have no idea what I want to do in life because there is a big disconnect between what kind of work I envy and the kind of work I even begin to know how to do.
In the ETC I get assigned the second class projects. Animateering was good the semester before I worked on it, when they were working to install for the Childrens Museum, and the semester after, when it was pollished for Give Kids the World. It's true that a lot of the code in there is still mine, it was our idea that ended up in the final project. But I wasn't in the project whose result was the exciting finished piece that kids will no doubt enjoy. I could chock it up to luck of the draw, but I can't help thinking of Randy's advice in BVW, what is the one common denominator in all these experience that I haven't been happy with, me. So given that I place all the blame squarely on myself, what do I do to fix the problem? Well, the faculty haven't been much help but they aren't dissatisfied with my work. Only I am. So that leaves two possibilities. Either my problem is mental, I am just too critical of my own work in a way that I will never think anything I've worked on is as good as anything I have only seen and don't know the details of, in which case I need to figure out how to stop thinking that way. Or my problem is that my work is good enough, but not as good as some other people's, but I'm the only one who sees that as a problem. I guess not everyone can be the best, but does that mean I should just settle and do what I can and leave the fun, fame, and glory (and Disney jobs) for the Shanes, Andys, Kyles, Peters, and whomever? Is it reasonable for me to have higher standards of myself, not except how I'm doing, and what do I do to get to where I want to be, in the truely exceptional?