Aspirationless.
I forgot something.
I forgot what it's like to have ambitions. What it's like to actually want something, and to want to do something.
It feels like I've found the highest point in my life. I work at a grocery store. I don't see me ever getting promoted. The bad part of that is that I don't see me working anywhere else. Sure, I could just put in my two weeks' notice and work somewhere else, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I can't bring myself to actually apply to work elsewhere. I feel like I've found that thing that people call their "calling" in life.
It's sad, really.
I have all these abilities that I developed throughout school. I seemed like a promising math or science major. I ended up majoring in Psychology, a fairly new form of science. Only because I had no other majors that interested me that I could go into. I nearly cornered myself and pushed myself into it simultaneously.
I spent lots of my parents' money on education that I'm not using.
That makes me feel bad.
What's even worse is that, at my current job, I can make close to $800 per month if I work close to 40 hours per week. Rent for just myself in my apartment is $422-ish per month. I don't want to deal with money orders, since Stanford Court only accepts rent in the form of money orders from each renter, or one large check from the entire apartment. I don't want to deal with money orders, so I just give one large check. I have my roommates pay me back. They're supposed to pay me back by the third of each month; we all signed an agreement, but nobody has paid me yet for this month and it's already the eleventh. One of them hasn't paid me since I moved in, which was back in August. He already owes me over $1200. I probably won't be able to afford rent for the whole apartment come November 1st.
Thing is, I can't bring myself to talk to him about it.
It's like I enjoy worrying about money. I sure as hell can't afford to pay rent for two people, no matter how much I work.
I received some information on my benefits and the insurance I can get through my job. The union is offering me something pretty crappy, where I pay $7 per week. Payment is hardly anything, and so is coverage, unless I end up in the Emergency Room or something. I need something that pays for my ophthalmologist appointments as well as dental appointments. My dad's been on my back about this the most. And this led to him telling me to get a real job. Which is why I'm despairing about my future.
So I'm working a dead-end job, dealing with roommates who won't pay rent (unless I actually ask them for it?!), and a crappy insurance plan that doesn't do anything to help me unless I have a life-threatening condition. And it's apparently not enough for me to want to change anything. I need help. But of course, I'm not asking for it. Otherwise, something would actually get done.
Maybe I just like being in this sort of position. I've become the very thing that I hate seeing. Someone who's stuck somewhere and has the resources to get out, but doesn't do anything to help himself. Maybe I'll go to sleep and it'll go away, like how my depression did back in middle school.
4:55am
I forgot what it's like to have ambitions. What it's like to actually want something, and to want to do something.
It feels like I've found the highest point in my life. I work at a grocery store. I don't see me ever getting promoted. The bad part of that is that I don't see me working anywhere else. Sure, I could just put in my two weeks' notice and work somewhere else, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I can't bring myself to actually apply to work elsewhere. I feel like I've found that thing that people call their "calling" in life.
It's sad, really.
I have all these abilities that I developed throughout school. I seemed like a promising math or science major. I ended up majoring in Psychology, a fairly new form of science. Only because I had no other majors that interested me that I could go into. I nearly cornered myself and pushed myself into it simultaneously.
I spent lots of my parents' money on education that I'm not using.
That makes me feel bad.
What's even worse is that, at my current job, I can make close to $800 per month if I work close to 40 hours per week. Rent for just myself in my apartment is $422-ish per month. I don't want to deal with money orders, since Stanford Court only accepts rent in the form of money orders from each renter, or one large check from the entire apartment. I don't want to deal with money orders, so I just give one large check. I have my roommates pay me back. They're supposed to pay me back by the third of each month; we all signed an agreement, but nobody has paid me yet for this month and it's already the eleventh. One of them hasn't paid me since I moved in, which was back in August. He already owes me over $1200. I probably won't be able to afford rent for the whole apartment come November 1st.
Thing is, I can't bring myself to talk to him about it.
It's like I enjoy worrying about money. I sure as hell can't afford to pay rent for two people, no matter how much I work.
I received some information on my benefits and the insurance I can get through my job. The union is offering me something pretty crappy, where I pay $7 per week. Payment is hardly anything, and so is coverage, unless I end up in the Emergency Room or something. I need something that pays for my ophthalmologist appointments as well as dental appointments. My dad's been on my back about this the most. And this led to him telling me to get a real job. Which is why I'm despairing about my future.
So I'm working a dead-end job, dealing with roommates who won't pay rent (unless I actually ask them for it?!), and a crappy insurance plan that doesn't do anything to help me unless I have a life-threatening condition. And it's apparently not enough for me to want to change anything. I need help. But of course, I'm not asking for it. Otherwise, something would actually get done.
Maybe I just like being in this sort of position. I've become the very thing that I hate seeing. Someone who's stuck somewhere and has the resources to get out, but doesn't do anything to help himself. Maybe I'll go to sleep and it'll go away, like how my depression did back in middle school.
4:55am