Word-vomit therapy.
(You really don't have to read this. It is what it says: therapy! Yay.)
I wish I could make everyone see how good we are and how we eat with our keys in the dark in the woods on a rock a gazillion feet over the nearest ground when it's misty-raining and we're happy and smoosh our faces together and sleep and joke at inappropriate moments and look at clouds making art in the sky and talk about the future and talk about now and talk about the past and talk about EVERYTHING and talk about how great it is that we talk about everything and talk about each other and us and love each other every day with no breaks and no fading AND I wish everyone could know how I am not an idiot and I trust my own mind BECAUSE no one ever seems to realize I'm not just flying on whims and "being naive" all the time and all that meaningless psychobabble bullshit I get fed every day by every person except him, no one knows what they're talking about, no one has lived any life before this so how can you tell anyone how they feel or what to do in any situation that is not yours? -- BUT at the same time is not for them to know, thank GOD, he is for me, we are for each other (thenlaughleaningbackinmyarmsforlife'snotaparagraphanddeathithinkisnoparenthesis), you don't HAVE to know because it's MY life and MY decisions are MINE and I may only be an idiot teenager but I am a GODDAMN intelligent idiot teenager, I have the documents to prove it, and GOD, life is so short. Life is SO short. I am 18, round that up to 20, multiply by four if we're saying I'll live to be 80--I only have three more of what I've already done to go, WHAT AM I SITTING AROUND FOR, WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOSE, my life is GOING to be good. I know it. "In my heart." In my heart. Really. No quotations. I'll make it good. I'm a good person. I like myself. I see the good in things and I make people happy or try my damn hardest and I make myself happy. I will always. And maybe I AM simple. And maybe that's PERFECT for me. Maybe if everyone could just stop being afraid of how they feel and go with it, GO with a few whims, be a little naive, they'd end up in better places, everything might be a little less goddamn complicated, I like that. I like thinking maybe that's true. I like thinking there's a little ticker in my brain that knows exactly what it's up to and makes good things feel warm and nice and that just gives me my answers, right there. "Signs." There are always signs. We have so many. Right now everything points one way. Who am I to ignore the universe's advice?
And if I look back on this and think I was an idiot, well, at least I was an idiot. At least I was alive, and I experienced being an idiot. I was a lucky girl for just that. Thank god I could be alive and be an idiot.
I wish I could make everyone see how good we are and how we eat with our keys in the dark in the woods on a rock a gazillion feet over the nearest ground when it's misty-raining and we're happy and smoosh our faces together and sleep and joke at inappropriate moments and look at clouds making art in the sky and talk about the future and talk about now and talk about the past and talk about EVERYTHING and talk about how great it is that we talk about everything and talk about each other and us and love each other every day with no breaks and no fading AND I wish everyone could know how I am not an idiot and I trust my own mind BECAUSE no one ever seems to realize I'm not just flying on whims and "being naive" all the time and all that meaningless psychobabble bullshit I get fed every day by every person except him, no one knows what they're talking about, no one has lived any life before this so how can you tell anyone how they feel or what to do in any situation that is not yours? -- BUT at the same time is not for them to know, thank GOD, he is for me, we are for each other (thenlaughleaningbackinmyarmsforlife'snotaparagraphanddeathithinkisnoparenthesis), you don't HAVE to know because it's MY life and MY decisions are MINE and I may only be an idiot teenager but I am a GODDAMN intelligent idiot teenager, I have the documents to prove it, and GOD, life is so short. Life is SO short. I am 18, round that up to 20, multiply by four if we're saying I'll live to be 80--I only have three more of what I've already done to go, WHAT AM I SITTING AROUND FOR, WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOSE, my life is GOING to be good. I know it. "In my heart." In my heart. Really. No quotations. I'll make it good. I'm a good person. I like myself. I see the good in things and I make people happy or try my damn hardest and I make myself happy. I will always. And maybe I AM simple. And maybe that's PERFECT for me. Maybe if everyone could just stop being afraid of how they feel and go with it, GO with a few whims, be a little naive, they'd end up in better places, everything might be a little less goddamn complicated, I like that. I like thinking maybe that's true. I like thinking there's a little ticker in my brain that knows exactly what it's up to and makes good things feel warm and nice and that just gives me my answers, right there. "Signs." There are always signs. We have so many. Right now everything points one way. Who am I to ignore the universe's advice?
And if I look back on this and think I was an idiot, well, at least I was an idiot. At least I was alive, and I experienced being an idiot. I was a lucky girl for just that. Thank god I could be alive and be an idiot.