(no subject)
Soooo I'm having a hard time right now. I keep using people as band-aids...in other words I'm not reaffirming my self worth to myself...(sounds funny....but whatever) instead I keep looking to other people to do it for me. Which is why Ive become sick of being a nun so fast...and now that i cant reaffirm myself for myself...Im getting desperate and stupid and obsessive and liking people who are way not worth liking.
Everything is so superficial and Im sick of it. Why cant people just say what they fucking mean? Why do i need approval so badly and why cant I just be myself?
BECAUSE I DONT KNOW WHO THAT IS ANYMORE
BECAUSE I FUCKED UP A SERIOUSLY GOOD RELATIONSHIP AND NOW THINGS ARE WEIRD
BECAUSE ANYTIME ANYTHING NEW HAPPENS AT ALL I FREAK OUT AND WORRY THAT NOBODY SEES WHAT I SEE
SHIT
and now I just have the energy to deal with MAx's shit or my Dad's shit or Cecille's shit. I feel like i've been playing therapist for so many people without getting paid. Either I need a shrink or I need to un-fuck my life.
I feel like i deserve a good thing. I feel like I deserve someone to come along. I feel like its time blah blah blah but honestly?
The fact that I want it so bad means I shouldnt have anything....and the clear and obvious STATE of things shows that Im not supposed to have it...yet....I HAVENT MADE MORE THAN 2 GOOD FRIENDSHIPS SINCE I CAME TO COLLEGE
there is something wrong with that.
I dunno. maybe im jsut having a weird meltdown. Yeah. I think I am.
MAN-GINA.
there. creative obscenity always makes me feel better.
Everything is so superficial and Im sick of it. Why cant people just say what they fucking mean? Why do i need approval so badly and why cant I just be myself?
BECAUSE I DONT KNOW WHO THAT IS ANYMORE
BECAUSE I FUCKED UP A SERIOUSLY GOOD RELATIONSHIP AND NOW THINGS ARE WEIRD
BECAUSE ANYTIME ANYTHING NEW HAPPENS AT ALL I FREAK OUT AND WORRY THAT NOBODY SEES WHAT I SEE
SHIT
and now I just have the energy to deal with MAx's shit or my Dad's shit or Cecille's shit. I feel like i've been playing therapist for so many people without getting paid. Either I need a shrink or I need to un-fuck my life.
I feel like i deserve a good thing. I feel like I deserve someone to come along. I feel like its time blah blah blah but honestly?
The fact that I want it so bad means I shouldnt have anything....and the clear and obvious STATE of things shows that Im not supposed to have it...yet....I HAVENT MADE MORE THAN 2 GOOD FRIENDSHIPS SINCE I CAME TO COLLEGE
there is something wrong with that.
I dunno. maybe im jsut having a weird meltdown. Yeah. I think I am.
MAN-GINA.
there. creative obscenity always makes me feel better.