ATTENTION PLZ.
YOU AND ME BOTH, CATHERINE HARDWICKE.
YOU AND ME BOTH. XD
Although unlike you, I did not fail at my job.
MY TWILIGHT REVIEW
Twilight wasn't nearly as bad as I expected. Then again, you have no idea HOW BAD I expected it to be. D8
EDWARD:
PROS: RPATTZ IS WAY TOO GOOD LOOKING. My panties melted right off. From now on, whenever I am horny lonely, I am going to watch this movie and just STARE.
CONS: RPattz's painfully bad "American" accent. Someone get Hugh Laurie to show him how it's done ASAP plz. Honestly, they should have just let him keep his British accent; it's not like canon is that important here. Also, why does he look severely constipated throughout 90% of his scenes? I UNDERSTAND YOUR ANGST BUT VAMPIRES DON'T POOP OKAY ROB?
The scene where he first sees Bella in Biology class? PRICELESS. XDDDDD
My FAVORITE SCENE though has to be when he rescues Bella from the would-be-rapists and is all OMG DISTRACT ME OR ELSE I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND AND KILL THEM...I don't know why but that scene was fucking HOT. I was like HOLY HELL I WANT A MAN LIKE THAT. Oh Edward Cullen....
OTOH, Sparkly!Edward in the meadow? NOT. SEXY. Please never make us see that again. D:
BELLA: I really want to hate on KBitch and her monotone delivery, but I'm not really sure if it's her fault. Bella after all IS a braindead, boring anti-heroine who probably WOULD speak in a monotone voice, so for all I know KBitch deserves an Oscar for portraying her so well. But on purpose or not, I want to punch Bella in her emotionless face. But I need to see KBitch in non-Twilight movie to objectively say. :/
ALSO I LOVE HOW RPATTZ IS WEARING ALL THIS WHITE MAKEUP TO LOOK UNDEAD, YET KBITCH STILL LOOKS PASTIER THAN HE DOES LOLOLOLOLOL FAIL. ALSO, HE IS WEARING MORE LIPSTICK THAN HER :(
DR. CARLISLE CULLEN: REPORT TO MY BEDROOM, STAT. MMMMMMMMMMM. :DDD
JACKSPER. Has ONE LINE IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE WTF.XDDDD I seriously busted up laughing every time he came on the screen because of his facial expression (singular).
ROSALIE: Nikki Reed is NOT. ROSALIE. to me. AT ALL. She had to try too hard to make it work, including those nappy roots. They couldn't even get a real fucking blonde?
ALICE disappointed me too. She's my favorite fierce bitch in the books, and here she was like this giggly cheerleader who's all "OMG BELLA WERE GONNA BE BFFS!!!11!" Doing high kicks and shit while playing baseball. WTF EVER.
Um, did anyone else find the scene where Charlie and Billy Black chase each other around the yard just....slashy? :S IDK what that was about. Which brings me to..
CREEPY PERV TOWNSPEOPLE. "Remember when I was Santa when you were four?" EWWWWWWW WHY DO *YOU* REMEMBER THIS, PERVY OLD MAN. I was relieved when he became a vampire snack.
OBNOXIOUSLY OBVIOUS SMEYER CAMEO IS OBNOXIOUSLY OBVIOUS. GTFO yo. You can't fangirl your own movie. Do you see JKR chillin in the Great Hall? NO.
LAURENT = awesome. VICTORIA = not at all what I imagined. WHATSHISFACE = delicious.
Since when does Bella like either of her parents that much? Where was the teenage wangst? >:(
LOL TOKEN ASIAN KID.
THE SCRIPT. Like I said, I actually liked the movie better than the book. Much more tolerable without Bella's constant first person narration, and I think RPattz did a great job bringing Edward Cullen to life, constipation aside. The screenwriter condensed the book into 2 hours pretty well...there were a few parts that seemed choppy and/or rushed, but all the important parts are there. (Except where's "DO I DAZZLE YOU? FREQUENTLY"??? Only the greatest line in the book hello!) This shorter version is far more easier to get through than the 500 pages of Bella angst in the book. Unlike when I watch the HP movies, and always feel frustrated at how much is missing and the amount of canon rape, the Twi-movie is an improvement on the book.
THE CAMERA WORK. OMG AWFUL. First, between the lighting and the camera angles, it felt more like a TV show than a feature film. I don't know wtf they were trying to accomplish, but it didn't work. I actually felt like I was watching the X-Files circa 1994 at some points (it doesn't help that Vancouver is v. close :/) I couldn't deal with some of those shots, especially the ones where the camera just spun around 360 degrees for no good reason. Ugh my stomach. There was only ONE SCENE in which it was good, actually very good:
THE VAMPIRE BASEBALL SCENE. That was some kick-ass filmmaking. <3 <3 <3 I could watch that over and over. Too bad it didn't translate to the rest of the movie.
AND FINALLY, THE MUSIC. D,:
W
T
F
OH GOD. SERIOUSLY???? So fucking random. The score was ridiculous enough on its own, but then to do shit like play a 90s Collective Soul track for the scene where Bella gets almost smashed by the van?? WHAT. I have that album, I want to burn it now D: And Radiohead at the end, correct? SMEYER YOUR AGE IS SHOWING. Also, Bella's Lullaby did not impress me. This movie could have had so much prettier music. And when was RPattz's song? Doesn't he perform a song on the soundtrack? Is it not in the actual movie? :(
CONCLUSION: If this movie had just been 2 hours of RPattz lounging on a chaise and not speaking, it would be perfect. Unfortunately, they had to give it a plot and script and a cast and stuff, completely ruining the film.
GAHHHH I need to see this movie again, this time 100% more drunk. jadeddiva WHEN U COMIN 2 NYC???
~*~
Also, on a more srs bsns note, I'm actually really disappointed in the fact that Hardwicke has been replaced for the rest of the Twi-movies. Sure, this is no Oscar contender, but there are so few female directors in Hollywood and it's even more rare that movies directed by a woman bring in this kind of money. Apparently Hardwicke was "demanding" and "hard to work with"...ummmm aren't many directors? Oh, but they have penises, so it's different. D: