Falling too fast and too hard really smarts when you reach the ground.
Sorry, folks, this one is a long one...but it is the most meaningful entry I've ever put in, so I hope you take time to read it all. I really put my heart and soul into it, and I hope some of you can relate somehow, or learn something from it. <3
I realized today (just as I have so many times before) that I fall far too fast "in like" with people sometimes. I turn a blind eye to the yellow lights or warning signs that life throws in my face to slow me down. I just live in a ignorant state that maybe something could happen between someone and I, even though I've known them for only a short time. I don't think there have been any cases where I've been friends with someone for a long time before realizing that I like them. Ironically, the movies that are centered on a relationship that began with a long-term friendship (i.e. Just Friends) are the ones that I tend to reach for in the video store, and yet, my actions are totally opposite in my own life.
Sure, I long to find my true soulmate just like everyone else; someone who can be the peanut butter to my jelly. However, I have never been a fan of dating in public. I find it totally awkward, and usually in my experience, a total waste of time. I would much rather have a night in with someone and watch a movie, or go to a park and talk than go to dinner. I love food as much as the next person, but honestly, seeing another person eat on the first date is just not something I'm interested in. To me, it is far more meaningful to have an extensive conversation with someone in order to get to know them more intimately, and I personally like going to a more clandestine location to talk quietly with someone than out in the open. Who knows? Someone could come up and do something to interrupt the date and ruin everything. It might sound negative, but with my bad luck, it could potentially happen.
Plus, I have this horrible tendency to tell my life story when I'm with someone that I care about or like in some fashion, even if it is only a mere crush. It isn't a good thing because it leaves no mystery whatsoever. I recently had a situation with a guy that I have grown to like a lot, even with what few conversations we've had, and the limited time that we've shared together. When we talk, everything is so easy and loose, carefree and comfortable. I didn't feel like an idiot when I messed up in front of him for whatever reason. No topic was off-limits for us. It was so refreshing and nice to be around someone like him, and I had not gotten to the point of falling for him just yet. With that being said, I was subconsciously on the edge, and when we had casual dinner together alone one night, it pushed me over into the "like zone". I didn't want to go there mentally, but it ended up happening anyway. Once I'm there, it's a done deal.
Now that we have been apart for a few weeks, it is hard for me not to want to know more about them. Naturally, I've been asking very blunt questions about their personal life, and it seems like now, more topics are becoming taboo subjects as a result. I don't like when people close off their heart to me after being so forthcoming with information. I get defensive and retreat back into my shell, and never want to come back out again. It seems weird and annoying, but that's just my natural way of being. It's gotten better over the last few years, but I need to find someone who can be patient with me, and not judge me for being so defensive sometimes. They always claim that everything is alright, but it makes me worry that I've taken several steps back in our friendship because of my actions. Now, I question everything I say to or ask of them. I wish things could be the way they were before, when we could laugh about the stupid things in the world and not wonder what someone meant by what they said, or what they didn't say.
When I'm in the mindset of liking someone as more than a friend, it is hard for me to shake the feeling, just as it is for anyone. So, my typical reaction to liking someone is a little different from most people. When I like someone, my first intention is to ignore them for a while, and in a way, almost sabotage my chances with them. Sounds crazy, right? Well, if you are someone like me who has experienced a lot of pain when it comes to relationships, you learn to brace yourself to be let down, no matter what. Yes, it is still heart-breaking every time it happens, but you learn how to pick yourself up quicker than the last time and how to protect yourself in the future. In my case, I tend to have a defense mechanism that is relentless. When I like someone, I typically assume that they will never like me back. Without questioning it, I instantly harden like a Metapod. *Yes, I DID just make a Pokemon reference...don't judge*
I don't want to be hurt, so I start shutting them out, purely out of fear that I'll fall too hard, and won't be able to shake it off. Even while I'm hardening, if there is something that they have done to show me that they care about me in some way, even as just a friend, my mind plays the dirty trick on me of setting that memory on loop. It's like watching a kiss scene in a movie over and over and over, but instead of having a heart-warming feeling, it leaves me sad and wondering what might have been. It is a cruel thing for me to overcome, and I instantly start to have aggression towards the person, because I have pre-conceived notions that they will hurt me. In a way, I'm subconsciously making things harder for me when it comes to finding someone truly worthwhile. Eventually, I lose interest in them because I am too worried about exposing my hopes and heart to them, fully believing that they will once again be squashed and forgotten about. So, I never admit to the feelings that I have for someone, out of the fear that I will be rejected harshly and laughed at for being so foolish as to believe in something so silly.
I have turned some people down in the past because they aren't quite what I'm looking for in a guy, when in reality, I haven't taken time to get to know them, either. I tend to shun those who don't give others a chance, but I am actually doing the exact same thing by turning those hopeful guys down. I hate hypocrisy, so naturally, self-loathing comes into play sometimes. :P I'm not saying guys are beating down my door by ANY stretch of the imagination, but there have been guys who have been interested in getting to know me better. I know that I'm attractive and could make someone very happy someday, but right now, I'm still in the healing process from my last ex. I know four years seems like a pretty long time to heal, but I guess I still need time to realign my priorities, since having a boyfriend is pretty low on the totem pole right now.
All things considered, I know that there is a lot I need to work on in order to maintain a successful relationship with someone in the future. I don't want to bombard anyone with crazy antics or defensive mechanisms. I want to be strong enough as a person to try and allow people to come into my life, and learn to expose my truest feelings to them. For now, I honestly like being single, but I know that I don't want to end up being an old maid. I want to find someone who will accept my diva-like nature that I show on the outside, but also the very sensitive and tender nature I have inside my heart.
I'm a true romantic, and a sappy one at that. When I listen to music, I close my eyes and it's as if I have my own personal movie screen on the back of my eyelids. I see images that I wish could happen, dreams that I hope will come true, things that have happened that I can't shake, and fantasies that could only seem logical in my ridiculous mind. Music plays a key role in helping me get over things, and to channel my emotions into making a healthy creation (i.e. this journal entry). I'm currently listening to mostly piano and orchestral music from different anime shows and some soundtracks. I feel at ease because of the keys that the pieces are played in and the lovely melodies, but I also feel the melancholy that is piercing my soul from the touching, powerful, complicated chords in the accompaniment. I have dreams that I will meet someone who feels the power of music in the same way that I do, or at least would tolerate my dramatic reactions to music...but I'm not sure that it will happen for a while. I don't want to say that I want to find someone that will make me happy, since happiness comes from within, so I guess I'll say that I want to find someone who will stimulate the happiness and make my heart swell with joy. :)
Here's to all of you out there who are suffering in the battlefield of love...may God keep his eye on your heart and mind, and help you to strengthen yourself in the long-run. <3
Hugs and sprinkles,
~Sandi~
I realized today (just as I have so many times before) that I fall far too fast "in like" with people sometimes. I turn a blind eye to the yellow lights or warning signs that life throws in my face to slow me down. I just live in a ignorant state that maybe something could happen between someone and I, even though I've known them for only a short time. I don't think there have been any cases where I've been friends with someone for a long time before realizing that I like them. Ironically, the movies that are centered on a relationship that began with a long-term friendship (i.e. Just Friends) are the ones that I tend to reach for in the video store, and yet, my actions are totally opposite in my own life.
Sure, I long to find my true soulmate just like everyone else; someone who can be the peanut butter to my jelly. However, I have never been a fan of dating in public. I find it totally awkward, and usually in my experience, a total waste of time. I would much rather have a night in with someone and watch a movie, or go to a park and talk than go to dinner. I love food as much as the next person, but honestly, seeing another person eat on the first date is just not something I'm interested in. To me, it is far more meaningful to have an extensive conversation with someone in order to get to know them more intimately, and I personally like going to a more clandestine location to talk quietly with someone than out in the open. Who knows? Someone could come up and do something to interrupt the date and ruin everything. It might sound negative, but with my bad luck, it could potentially happen.
Plus, I have this horrible tendency to tell my life story when I'm with someone that I care about or like in some fashion, even if it is only a mere crush. It isn't a good thing because it leaves no mystery whatsoever. I recently had a situation with a guy that I have grown to like a lot, even with what few conversations we've had, and the limited time that we've shared together. When we talk, everything is so easy and loose, carefree and comfortable. I didn't feel like an idiot when I messed up in front of him for whatever reason. No topic was off-limits for us. It was so refreshing and nice to be around someone like him, and I had not gotten to the point of falling for him just yet. With that being said, I was subconsciously on the edge, and when we had casual dinner together alone one night, it pushed me over into the "like zone". I didn't want to go there mentally, but it ended up happening anyway. Once I'm there, it's a done deal.
Now that we have been apart for a few weeks, it is hard for me not to want to know more about them. Naturally, I've been asking very blunt questions about their personal life, and it seems like now, more topics are becoming taboo subjects as a result. I don't like when people close off their heart to me after being so forthcoming with information. I get defensive and retreat back into my shell, and never want to come back out again. It seems weird and annoying, but that's just my natural way of being. It's gotten better over the last few years, but I need to find someone who can be patient with me, and not judge me for being so defensive sometimes. They always claim that everything is alright, but it makes me worry that I've taken several steps back in our friendship because of my actions. Now, I question everything I say to or ask of them. I wish things could be the way they were before, when we could laugh about the stupid things in the world and not wonder what someone meant by what they said, or what they didn't say.
When I'm in the mindset of liking someone as more than a friend, it is hard for me to shake the feeling, just as it is for anyone. So, my typical reaction to liking someone is a little different from most people. When I like someone, my first intention is to ignore them for a while, and in a way, almost sabotage my chances with them. Sounds crazy, right? Well, if you are someone like me who has experienced a lot of pain when it comes to relationships, you learn to brace yourself to be let down, no matter what. Yes, it is still heart-breaking every time it happens, but you learn how to pick yourself up quicker than the last time and how to protect yourself in the future. In my case, I tend to have a defense mechanism that is relentless. When I like someone, I typically assume that they will never like me back. Without questioning it, I instantly harden like a Metapod. *Yes, I DID just make a Pokemon reference...don't judge*
I don't want to be hurt, so I start shutting them out, purely out of fear that I'll fall too hard, and won't be able to shake it off. Even while I'm hardening, if there is something that they have done to show me that they care about me in some way, even as just a friend, my mind plays the dirty trick on me of setting that memory on loop. It's like watching a kiss scene in a movie over and over and over, but instead of having a heart-warming feeling, it leaves me sad and wondering what might have been. It is a cruel thing for me to overcome, and I instantly start to have aggression towards the person, because I have pre-conceived notions that they will hurt me. In a way, I'm subconsciously making things harder for me when it comes to finding someone truly worthwhile. Eventually, I lose interest in them because I am too worried about exposing my hopes and heart to them, fully believing that they will once again be squashed and forgotten about. So, I never admit to the feelings that I have for someone, out of the fear that I will be rejected harshly and laughed at for being so foolish as to believe in something so silly.
I have turned some people down in the past because they aren't quite what I'm looking for in a guy, when in reality, I haven't taken time to get to know them, either. I tend to shun those who don't give others a chance, but I am actually doing the exact same thing by turning those hopeful guys down. I hate hypocrisy, so naturally, self-loathing comes into play sometimes. :P I'm not saying guys are beating down my door by ANY stretch of the imagination, but there have been guys who have been interested in getting to know me better. I know that I'm attractive and could make someone very happy someday, but right now, I'm still in the healing process from my last ex. I know four years seems like a pretty long time to heal, but I guess I still need time to realign my priorities, since having a boyfriend is pretty low on the totem pole right now.
All things considered, I know that there is a lot I need to work on in order to maintain a successful relationship with someone in the future. I don't want to bombard anyone with crazy antics or defensive mechanisms. I want to be strong enough as a person to try and allow people to come into my life, and learn to expose my truest feelings to them. For now, I honestly like being single, but I know that I don't want to end up being an old maid. I want to find someone who will accept my diva-like nature that I show on the outside, but also the very sensitive and tender nature I have inside my heart.
I'm a true romantic, and a sappy one at that. When I listen to music, I close my eyes and it's as if I have my own personal movie screen on the back of my eyelids. I see images that I wish could happen, dreams that I hope will come true, things that have happened that I can't shake, and fantasies that could only seem logical in my ridiculous mind. Music plays a key role in helping me get over things, and to channel my emotions into making a healthy creation (i.e. this journal entry). I'm currently listening to mostly piano and orchestral music from different anime shows and some soundtracks. I feel at ease because of the keys that the pieces are played in and the lovely melodies, but I also feel the melancholy that is piercing my soul from the touching, powerful, complicated chords in the accompaniment. I have dreams that I will meet someone who feels the power of music in the same way that I do, or at least would tolerate my dramatic reactions to music...but I'm not sure that it will happen for a while. I don't want to say that I want to find someone that will make me happy, since happiness comes from within, so I guess I'll say that I want to find someone who will stimulate the happiness and make my heart swell with joy. :)
Here's to all of you out there who are suffering in the battlefield of love...may God keep his eye on your heart and mind, and help you to strengthen yourself in the long-run. <3
Hugs and sprinkles,
~Sandi~