(no subject)

Nov 07, 2005 20:08

things are changing.

and I have no idea why I'm even writing in here b/c it's not like anyone reads it anyway...

but things are changing and again, I really am feeling that my life is NOThere anymore. And while this isn't the first time I've felt it, it's definitely the strongest and most present it's ever felt.

and it's so intense that I can actually feel myself pulling away from things here. I'm pulling away from people A LOT. Like...if ya don't like me, eff you. I've got other things to do. I just wanna go to work, go to school, go to Phi Mu, get my shit done, go home and God forbid...LEAVE ME ALONE! I've always been independant..but like, people are just getting on my damn nerves. Casey, God I love her. I wish that she and I could just move somewhere...but that's another thing...I can't even be "trusted" to do that. GOD! I want to graduate! 5 more semesters! Geeeez! Please! Can I get out of here?! I mean, I love what I'm doing...all I am learning and my professors and bosses and everything...but I'm kinda over it. For a while, the thought of going to Auburn or FSU or Vanderbilt scared me...but BRING IT! The thought of being in a new city all by myself sounds SO appealing.

But what sounds even more appealing??

I can't even talk about it! Not here...because some people who read this are bitchy and catty and they are just PRAYING for me to say something so that they can pounce on me or so that they can talk about me behind my back and get all dramatic. And even though they make me sick, I can't help but laugh. I want to pity them and their sad little lives...but I'm too busy scoffing.

I had an amazing time here recently. like...it was SO GOOD...the best and most vivid experience of my life...so beautiful and romantic and peaceful and perfect and truly God-sent. And when I was in it...all my cares, worries... everything that I had every wanted or wished for all melted away. I want to live in that moment forever.

I don't wanna be withdrawn. I don't wanna be a hermit. I don't wanna be here.

like a caterpiller in a cacoon...I'm changing. I'm growing. I'm too big for this shell and I'm either gonna bust out, or I'm gonna suffocate. I feel like I'm leaning toward the latter.

I'm happy, but I'm not content.

I burn to be at peace.
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