Nothing Matters In the end
The low after the high. I'm hoping that's all this is. I feel so upset about nothing at all. The past few days were amazing. Last night I just started to feel down. So what if I didn't get invited to the cast party? I wasn't the only one. Besides, who wants to sit around, eat potato chips & drink beer? Not I. I wouldn't have touched either had I been invited, and those are the only things I knew about the party. So why did it bother me so much? I tried to convince myself I didn't care, but I still feel like I do. Why? Apparently being left out by people I hardly know and/or don't like bothers me. :-S How lame am I? So I went home and tried to have a little party with my sister, with soda & ice cream & cookies & tv. Well, she ended up talking to her friends on the computer most of the time then fell asleep on the floor. Then I fell asleep too. Then I finally went to bed. In the morning I was tired & felt like crap. I attributed it to the caffeine disrupting my sleep and the effects of large amounts of sugar on my likely pre-diabetic body. I never quite felt happy all night either. All day today I've been trying to feel happy, or even ok. But I'm not ok. What's worse is that I don't really know what's wrong. Today at work I was much less than enthusiastic most of the day which isn't terribly unusual, but its usually beecause I don't like my job that day. Today it was more than that. I was also very physically weak today. On my way home from work my older sister called me and asked me if I'd pick something up for her. I did, but it was all I could do to get it to my car. It was something I lift all the time. When I got home I was going to tell her there was no way I could pick it up again, but I didn't bother. I just told her that it was in my car and let the rest up to her. I was going to go get gas & wash my car today, but I don't really feel like doing that either. When I got home from work I came in & brought my stuff to my room and I saw that our computer was torn apart. I asked my older sister, who was over, upstairs, at the time, if she knew what happened to it, she said our younger sister had taken it apart. So I called her on my cell (which I had to go back out to my car to get cause I'd dropped it) and asked her what happened to it & she said it was fine, she had just taken the side off to get the install disks from the inside out & the front popped off with it & that it would turn on just fine without them on if I didn't want to put them on. Well, I put them on after I booted it up and started chatting on msn messenger because I jsut couldnt stand looking at the room. In the end I just threw all her stuff on the couch so I didn't have to look at it. Also on the way home from work she had called me and I found out that she and mom were on their way to town to go shopping. It shouldn't have but it bothered me. I didn't need to go. I didn't even really want to go, it just bothered me. Probably because they didn't even ask if I needed/wanted to go or if I needed anything. I didn't even know they were going. After I got off the phone with her about the computer I went in my room and cried for almost an hour. I had no reason to, I just was crying. Then I was done crying & I booted up the computer& put it back together & threw all her stuff on the couch. Then someone started talking to me and somehow it changed my mood slightly and I started writing in here. They were sending me vids that included the songs listed in my Music for this entry. Anyway, now here I am, typing. Better get back to my homework now that I've recorded my thoughts. I have this strange mood, like I don't really care about anything, but that gives the wrong connotation. It's not that I don't care. I don't care, but I do care, but it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. But not quite that dramatic either. I don't know the words to describe how I feel. I think I'm making it sound much more energetic or enthusiastic than I really feel. I'm not quite sad, but I'm not happy. I'm not angry either. I don't really know the word. Empty is a little too dramatic but it's the closest one. Maybe blank is the best. Imagine a chalkboard, not totally blank like it's been cleaned, but like it was written all over, layer upon layer, never fully erased, and it's just all plugged up, like your hard drives memory when you're running bad programs and your computer just slows because the ram isn't being freed when processes stop. So it's like a dusty scribbled on chalkboard but nothing's quite legible on it. Or a plugged up hard drive. ... yeah that's a good analogy I think.
some of the Lyrics from one of the songs i listened to during the writing of this :
Just like before everything you say to me brings me one step closer to the edge
Everything you say to me, i just need a little room to breathe, i'm about to break
SHUT UP SHUT UP WHEN I"M TALKING TO YOU! SHUT UP!
there was a lot more music in this than I think is in the normal version, I was acctually playing youtube vids made to songs .. thats why i dont really know what the bands are. I was just following links & letting em play for audio
some of the Lyrics from one of the songs i listened to during the writing of this :
Just like before everything you say to me brings me one step closer to the edge
Everything you say to me, i just need a little room to breathe, i'm about to break
SHUT UP SHUT UP WHEN I"M TALKING TO YOU! SHUT UP!
there was a lot more music in this than I think is in the normal version, I was acctually playing youtube vids made to songs .. thats why i dont really know what the bands are. I was just following links & letting em play for audio