i don't understand, i'll never understand, but i'll try to understand. nothing else i can do.
i seriously think i almost just had a heart attack. when i logged on i clicked on the last entry i wrote, which i thought was the last posted one, but i forgot that i posted something to private a couple days ago and when it popped up i didn't recognize it for a second and all i saw was the title: "Alex." that was terrible. i hate saying that name. i hate even having to look at it right now. i can't understand how he sleeps at night, in california, and feels no remorse for what he did and how he left...and he how he left me. it's been almost 9 months and it's just starting to get easier and hurt less. what i felt after we broke up was completely different from anything i've ever experienced before. i know how it feels to be rejected by someone you care about. it's the sharp, stabbing pain that makes you feel like you won't ever be able to get out of bed again. this felt like being suffocated, like someone was slowly putting more and more pressure on my chest, trying to collapse my lungs. it was the pain that comes from knowing that you ARE going to get out of bed today, and you are going to fulfill your responsibilities and your roles, but everything's gray. it feels like you're moving in slow motion, and everytime you think you may smile or laugh, you remember what you lost. i cried on the outside everyday for weeks, but i've cried on the inside for months. i can't fathom how he was able to get in his car and drive across the country and leave all these frayed ends here. obviously since we hadn't spoken in 4 months, he didn't HAVE to tell me he was leaving, but why wouldn't he want to? if he still "loved me" on the day we stopped speaking and he still believed that there was a chance for us to start over, how could he not have anything to say to me before he left? i had so much i wanted to tell him. i wanted to ask him why he abandoned me during the hardest week of my life. why he sought me out almost everyday for a month at stockton just to put it in my face that he could sit 2 feet away from me and i couldn't touch him. and then wonder why i'd start to cry or not want to talk. why he'd dangle himself in front of me and say "maybe you can come over and watch a movie tonight" or insist i hang out with him for a half hour when he knew he had absolutely no intention of ever trying to work things out. mostly i wanted to know why, after all i did was block him on stupid instant messenger, he never tried to talk to me again. all the different ways he could have contacted me, and he never did. i finally decided i would ask him to meet me so i could tell him face-to-face how badly he hurt me and try to understand why. and then i found out he moved away; i lost my chance. i'm ready to put him in the past, where he's put me, but i don't think i can do it until i know why. or at least get a chance to show him what he did. but the prospect of having that conversation scares me so much. i don't know what to do.
i really did not intend for this entry to turn into that. i guess i needed to get it out.
on a lighter note, i had a date on friday afternoon. i enjoyed being around him so much. it was refreshing to have normal, intelligent conversation with someone. i hadn't smiled like that in a long time. i don't want to talk about it too much, i don't want to jinx it.
i can't wait until my classes are over this week so i can start having a fun summer!!! i applied to work full-time at my internship site...hopefully they'll hire me and then heellooooo salary and benefits!!!
also, i ended things with ryan. he told me he loves me a couple weeks ago. being that he's 30 and knew i cared about him, i assumed he meant what he said. it was pretty easy to say goodbye 2 days later when we were at the same bar, and he went home with some random woman RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. now since we were not technically dating, i could care less what he does in his spare time. but at least have the decency to not disrespect me by doing it right in front of me. i was soooo furious. that was over a week ago and i have not talked to him since. if he tries to contact me, he's a fool. i'm pretty sure he should know i'm done.
i just realized this entire thing was about my jacked up relationships with men. hopefully i will be able to have a normal one soon.
i really did not intend for this entry to turn into that. i guess i needed to get it out.
on a lighter note, i had a date on friday afternoon. i enjoyed being around him so much. it was refreshing to have normal, intelligent conversation with someone. i hadn't smiled like that in a long time. i don't want to talk about it too much, i don't want to jinx it.
i can't wait until my classes are over this week so i can start having a fun summer!!! i applied to work full-time at my internship site...hopefully they'll hire me and then heellooooo salary and benefits!!!
also, i ended things with ryan. he told me he loves me a couple weeks ago. being that he's 30 and knew i cared about him, i assumed he meant what he said. it was pretty easy to say goodbye 2 days later when we were at the same bar, and he went home with some random woman RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. now since we were not technically dating, i could care less what he does in his spare time. but at least have the decency to not disrespect me by doing it right in front of me. i was soooo furious. that was over a week ago and i have not talked to him since. if he tries to contact me, he's a fool. i'm pretty sure he should know i'm done.
i just realized this entire thing was about my jacked up relationships with men. hopefully i will be able to have a normal one soon.