i'm holding on by letting go of you
all of a sudden i feel like i have no control over my life. the same thing i took so much pleasure in a year ago is now causing me pain...physical and emotional. i have so much ahead of me in life; a lot more than you had at my age, and a lot more than you have at this point in your life. it's not necessarily a bad thing--we just made different choices. but more and more i'm feeling like your (bad) choices are going to affect my life. i'm only 19--i'm not ready to deal with all of these issues yet. i guess i should have known the age issue would rear it's head somewhere. i'm so caught between what i know i feel, and what i know would be best for me. and they are two completely different things. i'm afraid to make a choice that would be irreversible. we both know when we're gone, we're gone. i understand that because of the circumstances, you have a new role in life. but remember, from last august until this september, you told me those circumstances would never come to pass. well you lied. a year later you're asking me, and on a level expecting me, to put aside my feelings and take part in something i should never have to experience until i'm ready. until i'm married to someone i'm completely in love with, financially secure with a college degree, and absolutely sure i want to start a family. whether i ever actually take part in this fucked up situation is irrelevent. the fact that you're expecting me to accept it is bewildering enough. i've been trying to put it from my mind for weeks now, but today it sank in that this is not going to go away. it can only get worse. i do love you, but i've got to love myself more. i don't care if that sounds selfish. i can't sacrifice my peace of mind so you can have your cake and eat it too. i said i wouldn't ask you to choose. that means i've just got to cut my losses and go.