Even Santa's A Fake
Sometimes I just feel jipped with the whole idea of Christmas. I mean, what's this I hear? Christmas is supposed to be a magical experience for children? Why I ask, isn't it meant to be a magical occasion for all? Would it be so hard for us to take the time out of our self absorbed lives to countinue to create a fantasy for those we love. I'm not talking a buttload of money being dropped either. That's not what Christmas is about at all. I'm talking good ole fashioned gifts. Like . . ."Here, I made you some mittens cause I know your hands are always cold" . . .or "I went down to Goodwill and got you this jacket 'cause it reminded me of you". Even card making and passing out. I didn't get any Christmas cards this year. And on an even higher note of my bitching . . .I couldn't find a single soul to attend a Christmas play with. No "Journey To the Manger", "The Singing Christmas Tree". Bargh.
I think the population of lesbians is directly related to santa being a fake. I mean the first guy we, as little girls believe, trust, and love we find {after many years of hearing "he's not fake----if you believe"} to be a figment of our imagination. We learn early as women, not to trust men.
I speak of this, because I have been completely stressed the past month, over my want for a magical, story like holiday. You see, since I am on my holiday vacation right now . . . my season isn't over yet. But for the past week it has been building in me . . . What happended to Christmas? Where's Christmas? I feel as though it never came. An emptyness was inside me, that I had blamed Stan for. Perhaps it was just partly him I am now deciding though. I cried over it a lot today. I guess I don't want to be grown up. Or actually, I think I do want to be an adult- It's just I feel like stomping my feet and screaming why can't fairytales be real? Why didn't God give us this I wonder? Or, what things are fairytale like to him---that he did allow us to have. Stan says, that they're are no fairytales. I don't believe this.
I love him so much. I feel a lot better with us now that I have realized it was my need for Santa, and not him that was making me {and I quote} "insane". He took me out to Ruby Tuesday tonight. Then we went for more coffee. Actually, I'd like to talk a lot about the rest of the night- So I think I'll stop here for now, and finish later.