(no subject)
I've thrown out the directions, the plan book, the map, whatever. I'm living one day at a time and going against everything I've been taught about life. Someone is dying inside and for once I'm gonna sign the DNR and not resuscitate. I have to change. I have to grow. It's terminal and there's nothing I can do to fix it now. Why do I need metaphors and reference points to understand anything in life? It's so childish of me. Geez, for someone as complex as I make myself out to be I have to dumb it down quite often for me. I don't eat much anymore. It's not that I'm not hungry, I just can't find exactly what it is that I'm craving. I'd rather not commit to all the calories if it's not going to fill the void in my stomach.
I have separated from my husband. After nearly 6 and a half years, I am alone again. I'm not sure how I'm going to pay my bills solely on my income. I probably need a roommate. I especially don't know how I'm going to finish my career alone. Scared is an understatement. I'm embarassed to tell anyone at work because everyone has it together. Do I regret marrying Mike? no. Did I grow out of him? yes. I want the man I conceive and deliver a child with to be perfect. The husband doesn't have to be, but the father,yes. screw it. I wont ever become a mom. That's the scariest thing to accept. That me, the once preschool teacher, once step mom, super aunt, babysitter, never experiences personal motherhood. It's pretty scary. But there are a lot of women who start in their 30s and a lot could happen for me over the next few years. I'm skeptical but hopeful?
A lot has changed for me. Doors are opening and closing for me all over. I can't turn back. I can only turn into.
I have separated from my husband. After nearly 6 and a half years, I am alone again. I'm not sure how I'm going to pay my bills solely on my income. I probably need a roommate. I especially don't know how I'm going to finish my career alone. Scared is an understatement. I'm embarassed to tell anyone at work because everyone has it together. Do I regret marrying Mike? no. Did I grow out of him? yes. I want the man I conceive and deliver a child with to be perfect. The husband doesn't have to be, but the father,yes. screw it. I wont ever become a mom. That's the scariest thing to accept. That me, the once preschool teacher, once step mom, super aunt, babysitter, never experiences personal motherhood. It's pretty scary. But there are a lot of women who start in their 30s and a lot could happen for me over the next few years. I'm skeptical but hopeful?
A lot has changed for me. Doors are opening and closing for me all over. I can't turn back. I can only turn into.