(no subject)
I need to dust this thing off...has been quite awhile, hasn't it. Well since Novemeber. So yes.
My life as of late seems chaotic, though only in my head. I am still going on with the same life. Going to work, coming home, rinse and repeat that Monday thru Friday. Come the weekend I am trying to see friends or family.
I feel like some how I have grown away from them. Or life has pulled us gradually apart. I suppose that is what growing up is. But I miss it. I miss the spontinaity of our lives. They seem to be settling down and I feel left out on this limb all by my lonesome.
I doubt that longevity of these friendships. I thought they would last till we were grey and old. Maybe not. Its a hard feeling.
I grew up moving quite often, usually in 2-3 year intervals. I finally feel I can settle down and grasp onto these friends and truely see them in that light. But it seems that light is fading. Who I am isn't the person I want to be at 25 or that is atleast my hope.
I hope that, but it feels like a small little flicker inside of me. I'm afraid I will end up being a no-one in a world of the mundane.
That is why I very much need to get back to school. I finally have decided to buckle down about it. I've been unsure in the past couple of years what I want to get a degree in so I never really got going on the school issue. It was always I can get there, now it seems like I have passed that point. If I don't do it now, then when? I feel like its fading faster and faster.
I have such passion for sexuality. I want to use that to change the world. To help educate and irradicate misinformation. I want to travel the world, join the Peace Corp.
I want so much for myself. Is that selfish? And I feel that I won't get it.
I'm afraid of failing myself. So if i don't try I can't fail can I?
Bad thoughts to have, I know, but I do anyways!
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Lately my thoughts have turned towards old feelings I have/had for someone. The scary part is I don't know if I am past them or not. They resurrected them by calling me more often then usual and hearing about him by mutual friends.
I am fine and content if I otherwise don't have to hear about or speak to him.
I want his friendship but it doesn't feel like a mutual friendship on my behalf. I feel like he calls to fill some sort of void (maybe his is just bored?) rather then call to see how I am.
I feel jilted!
And its been like this for a year, or atleast in some varient of this type of behavior for a year.
It hurts, especially since we were friends for a good while prior to all the hurt words and heartache.
Maybe can't be friends because of that. No turning back. Going from friends to lovers is a one way route, perhaps? No u-turns here, no going back!
Which brings me onto someone else. The man I am sleeping with. He's a phenomenal lover. No doubts about that.
But he is also married.
I feel guilty. Should I feel guilty though? I am doing no wrong. He is!
But I am also a loyalist. I would not, could not and won't cheat on someone. I find it cowardly. Tell the person the truth. Give them that much respect!
Maybe deep deep down I know I am doing something wrong.
Maybe I hold on to this, whatever this is (its not a relationship or anything close) out of the concept its better then being alone. And it is. Then he goes home and the guilt sets in until I shower and sleep.
Or, as someone pointed out. I do this so I don't have to get into a relationship. Though how great a relationship can be, they are quite messy, aren't they? And I don't think I can handle a heartbreak. Well atleast not so soon after previously mentioned heartbreak.
Have your cake and eat it too? One can hope.
Or am I just decieving myself?
My life as of late seems chaotic, though only in my head. I am still going on with the same life. Going to work, coming home, rinse and repeat that Monday thru Friday. Come the weekend I am trying to see friends or family.
I feel like some how I have grown away from them. Or life has pulled us gradually apart. I suppose that is what growing up is. But I miss it. I miss the spontinaity of our lives. They seem to be settling down and I feel left out on this limb all by my lonesome.
I doubt that longevity of these friendships. I thought they would last till we were grey and old. Maybe not. Its a hard feeling.
I grew up moving quite often, usually in 2-3 year intervals. I finally feel I can settle down and grasp onto these friends and truely see them in that light. But it seems that light is fading. Who I am isn't the person I want to be at 25 or that is atleast my hope.
I hope that, but it feels like a small little flicker inside of me. I'm afraid I will end up being a no-one in a world of the mundane.
That is why I very much need to get back to school. I finally have decided to buckle down about it. I've been unsure in the past couple of years what I want to get a degree in so I never really got going on the school issue. It was always I can get there, now it seems like I have passed that point. If I don't do it now, then when? I feel like its fading faster and faster.
I have such passion for sexuality. I want to use that to change the world. To help educate and irradicate misinformation. I want to travel the world, join the Peace Corp.
I want so much for myself. Is that selfish? And I feel that I won't get it.
I'm afraid of failing myself. So if i don't try I can't fail can I?
Bad thoughts to have, I know, but I do anyways!
---------
Lately my thoughts have turned towards old feelings I have/had for someone. The scary part is I don't know if I am past them or not. They resurrected them by calling me more often then usual and hearing about him by mutual friends.
I am fine and content if I otherwise don't have to hear about or speak to him.
I want his friendship but it doesn't feel like a mutual friendship on my behalf. I feel like he calls to fill some sort of void (maybe his is just bored?) rather then call to see how I am.
I feel jilted!
And its been like this for a year, or atleast in some varient of this type of behavior for a year.
It hurts, especially since we were friends for a good while prior to all the hurt words and heartache.
Maybe can't be friends because of that. No turning back. Going from friends to lovers is a one way route, perhaps? No u-turns here, no going back!
Which brings me onto someone else. The man I am sleeping with. He's a phenomenal lover. No doubts about that.
But he is also married.
I feel guilty. Should I feel guilty though? I am doing no wrong. He is!
But I am also a loyalist. I would not, could not and won't cheat on someone. I find it cowardly. Tell the person the truth. Give them that much respect!
Maybe deep deep down I know I am doing something wrong.
Maybe I hold on to this, whatever this is (its not a relationship or anything close) out of the concept its better then being alone. And it is. Then he goes home and the guilt sets in until I shower and sleep.
Or, as someone pointed out. I do this so I don't have to get into a relationship. Though how great a relationship can be, they are quite messy, aren't they? And I don't think I can handle a heartbreak. Well atleast not so soon after previously mentioned heartbreak.
Have your cake and eat it too? One can hope.
Or am I just decieving myself?