(no subject)
I have not procrastinated this much in years, I am sure. Decades, even. My distractions range from background research on a guess of what my new contract work may be, to reading the computational neuroscience listserve and researching those folks whose posts I like, to, um, chinese astrology again. I am all psyched now, and while I was almost out of things to research as a form of procrastination, I now have a bunch of new sources.
I can't help but notice it is almost the end of the week and I have not pursued any of the three ways I had planned to get some help for myself. I have planned ahead a lot more, though, and the structure may really help. I keep wasting my alone-time and then trying be productive when I have Kayleigh here. Gotta quit the self-sabotage. For example, I broke my cardinal rule and got to noon today without eating.
Unfortunately all the ways to get outside help cost a lot of money, and I need to list and prioritize how I am going to go into debt. Job coach? Psychotherapy? Career search workshop? Furnace modification to increase oil efficiency?
I can clearly see a weekend to weekend attitude here that is a problem. I need to get to the point where I can rise above the minutia and get to the larger goals. I work to master the short term details and then I am exhausted. (oh yes, and I was sick-- that stole some time for which I still fail to give myself a break.) I need to get ahead and work on the bigger picture goals. That's where I need someone to reflect back to me and help me focus, prioritize.
I should probably acknowledge that I have not yet connected with my friend who canceled on the camping trip. That felt pretty devastating on top of everything. I feel okay about her now, but the lack of contact makes me wonder if I did something wrong, and her husband doesn't want to camp with me, or what. Maybe she is avoiding me until after I go, or, maybe we are just failing to answer the phone for unrelated reasons. It weighs heavily on me, though, and I sometimes forget how much little shit like this can bother me. Well, she's a neat person and she genuinely likes me, which I find unusual, so to think that has somehow changed is very bothersome. I don't have many close friends and she is probably the closest one here in Seattle. I have been considering a drive to California because I really really miss Susie Kay. I have been a terrible friend to her while she has gone through her cancer, failing to send gifts and cards and not even calling very often. But I think my life would feel very different if I still had her to hang out with, while doing house chores like watering orchids. Reading again about year of the dragon people made me miss her all over again. And, I sent an email to my sorta step mom, dad's ex girlfriend who we lived with in high school. Somehow that relationship gets lost in the hustle and bustle but I also miss her a lot. These are people I liked in my daily life, not just an afternoon visit. I just don't want to move back to the bay area, that's all. Since it has been a few years since I bopped around there for a week or so, and since it appears no full time work is on the horizon, maybe I should go ahead and plan to drive the camper down and linger a good long time. I have been tossing back and forth the idea of taking the car vs. the camper.
Anyway, maybe I can take the 4 hours of procrastination and wrap up that energy into some great resumes, contacts, and cover letters in the next hour. It sometimes does work that way! If so, I will go jump in the lake with Mona. thank god for border collies.
I can't help but notice it is almost the end of the week and I have not pursued any of the three ways I had planned to get some help for myself. I have planned ahead a lot more, though, and the structure may really help. I keep wasting my alone-time and then trying be productive when I have Kayleigh here. Gotta quit the self-sabotage. For example, I broke my cardinal rule and got to noon today without eating.
Unfortunately all the ways to get outside help cost a lot of money, and I need to list and prioritize how I am going to go into debt. Job coach? Psychotherapy? Career search workshop? Furnace modification to increase oil efficiency?
I can clearly see a weekend to weekend attitude here that is a problem. I need to get to the point where I can rise above the minutia and get to the larger goals. I work to master the short term details and then I am exhausted. (oh yes, and I was sick-- that stole some time for which I still fail to give myself a break.) I need to get ahead and work on the bigger picture goals. That's where I need someone to reflect back to me and help me focus, prioritize.
I should probably acknowledge that I have not yet connected with my friend who canceled on the camping trip. That felt pretty devastating on top of everything. I feel okay about her now, but the lack of contact makes me wonder if I did something wrong, and her husband doesn't want to camp with me, or what. Maybe she is avoiding me until after I go, or, maybe we are just failing to answer the phone for unrelated reasons. It weighs heavily on me, though, and I sometimes forget how much little shit like this can bother me. Well, she's a neat person and she genuinely likes me, which I find unusual, so to think that has somehow changed is very bothersome. I don't have many close friends and she is probably the closest one here in Seattle. I have been considering a drive to California because I really really miss Susie Kay. I have been a terrible friend to her while she has gone through her cancer, failing to send gifts and cards and not even calling very often. But I think my life would feel very different if I still had her to hang out with, while doing house chores like watering orchids. Reading again about year of the dragon people made me miss her all over again. And, I sent an email to my sorta step mom, dad's ex girlfriend who we lived with in high school. Somehow that relationship gets lost in the hustle and bustle but I also miss her a lot. These are people I liked in my daily life, not just an afternoon visit. I just don't want to move back to the bay area, that's all. Since it has been a few years since I bopped around there for a week or so, and since it appears no full time work is on the horizon, maybe I should go ahead and plan to drive the camper down and linger a good long time. I have been tossing back and forth the idea of taking the car vs. the camper.
Anyway, maybe I can take the 4 hours of procrastination and wrap up that energy into some great resumes, contacts, and cover letters in the next hour. It sometimes does work that way! If so, I will go jump in the lake with Mona. thank god for border collies.