still unemployed
I hate feeling like I missed the boat, which is often how I feel with respect to my career. I always blame it on different priorities, like not being money-hungry enough, and failing to recognize that money does matter until I was at least 30 years old. Why is it that my crazy boss, got a job, two of four employees have work already, but I don't. My grad school cohorts have jobs. Those who quit early have jobs. why not me?
The really hard part is knowing what to do in real time to make it happen. The last few days I have been reading alternative energy blogs (starting with a company in Seattle I'd like to work for) as well as a computational neuroscience email list. Interesting stuff. Stuff that has technical language which I understand. I just can't seem to push myself into a job, though.
I plan to call the IV person today, in half hour or so. I had a phone call at 8 am but they hung up instead of leaving a message. I did *69 and it was an area code 215. I assume it was a telemarketer or something.
I am only 36, and life is not over. It's not too late to have a good life. I *feel* like my problems are terminal, that they won't ever really change because I am stuck with who I am, but the fact is I just need a lucky break and I can move forward. And luck is half opportunity and half preparation.
A big part of all the emotional content of this relates to not having a partner and not feeling I get enough affection and love. Why does it work for so many other people, but again, not for me? argh! Lastly, a big part of it in the last week must have been PMS. I have a cold and don't feel too well, and then I am bleeding as well. I'd like to go easy on myself but I need to get the two more contacts done, and I need to make REAL progress on jobs that I want.
I have everything. I have no reason to complain. I firmly believe that the state of happiness of a person is primarily a function of their internal workings. My unhappiness seems to be mostly due to the balance of self-criticism I have and the concern for my failings when I am not being self-critical. When people struggle with math, I tell them to Get Help. I feel similarly now, like I can't really get over this (any of it) without some help. I go through periods of feeling unworthy of help, too. With so many resources, and so much talent, why am I not finding work or a love interest?
Bah. I fantasize about running away somewhere. It seems to be so painful to be an individual and separate from god. I know my ego is offended. ;) I probably just need to dance more.
The really hard part is knowing what to do in real time to make it happen. The last few days I have been reading alternative energy blogs (starting with a company in Seattle I'd like to work for) as well as a computational neuroscience email list. Interesting stuff. Stuff that has technical language which I understand. I just can't seem to push myself into a job, though.
I plan to call the IV person today, in half hour or so. I had a phone call at 8 am but they hung up instead of leaving a message. I did *69 and it was an area code 215. I assume it was a telemarketer or something.
I am only 36, and life is not over. It's not too late to have a good life. I *feel* like my problems are terminal, that they won't ever really change because I am stuck with who I am, but the fact is I just need a lucky break and I can move forward. And luck is half opportunity and half preparation.
A big part of all the emotional content of this relates to not having a partner and not feeling I get enough affection and love. Why does it work for so many other people, but again, not for me? argh! Lastly, a big part of it in the last week must have been PMS. I have a cold and don't feel too well, and then I am bleeding as well. I'd like to go easy on myself but I need to get the two more contacts done, and I need to make REAL progress on jobs that I want.
I have everything. I have no reason to complain. I firmly believe that the state of happiness of a person is primarily a function of their internal workings. My unhappiness seems to be mostly due to the balance of self-criticism I have and the concern for my failings when I am not being self-critical. When people struggle with math, I tell them to Get Help. I feel similarly now, like I can't really get over this (any of it) without some help. I go through periods of feeling unworthy of help, too. With so many resources, and so much talent, why am I not finding work or a love interest?
Bah. I fantasize about running away somewhere. It seems to be so painful to be an individual and separate from god. I know my ego is offended. ;) I probably just need to dance more.