oh my god.
i am afraid that i only pretend to live dangerously.
and not because its halfway.
but because i'm still holding it in.
and i worry that the reason you thought you wanted to know me was because i was living.
for a moment. or two.
in a realm where you thought i shouldn't belong.
oh, how i surprised you.
the things i remember most fiercely.
are the things that i later regret.
but they are times when i completely knew that i was alive.
because they are lodged there.
in my mind.
forever. replaying. wondering.
what the hell was i thinking?
because, was it wrong that i finally let it out.
and stop thinking for a moment.
why come i can’t be dumb all of the time.
more frequently i regret the times when i did hold back.
and did so, with such complete cognitive indifference.
that ill continue to wish my way back
until i have the chance to do it all over.
i told her.
i am scared because i feel like i'm about the make all the wrong choices. all the bad decisions.
and i cried.
because.
really.
what i wanted to say.
is, please would it be alright if i stopped being who you thought i was and did something completely out of the ordinary context of me?
would it be okay if i just let go?
and we pretended that this illness is something more serious.
and there were things like excuses that made anything okay?
may i move to a city. wear short skirts and knit tights. get plastered on lemonade. mix red lipstick and warm tongues. wake up in the morning with a head so full of nothing that it hurts until the vomit kicks in. and last nights lemonade cascades with a mix of mystery into that softly gurgling whirlpool. cool to the touch.
the typical photographed bullshit.
no. no. no. no.
not these things. the lived in lives of others.
but mine. all mine.
something ferocious.
and me.
but we know.
i like to be in control.
and i do not believe crazy is an excuse.
so i went on a run.
but we know.
i like to be in control.
and i do not believe crazy is an excuse.
i am scared that i am too old now.
and that living like i should have long ago means that i haven' t.
the youth. they act like they have won.
oh, how i surprised you.
and not because its halfway.
but because i'm still holding it in.
and i worry that the reason you thought you wanted to know me was because i was living.
for a moment. or two.
in a realm where you thought i shouldn't belong.
oh, how i surprised you.
the things i remember most fiercely.
are the things that i later regret.
but they are times when i completely knew that i was alive.
because they are lodged there.
in my mind.
forever. replaying. wondering.
what the hell was i thinking?
because, was it wrong that i finally let it out.
and stop thinking for a moment.
why come i can’t be dumb all of the time.
more frequently i regret the times when i did hold back.
and did so, with such complete cognitive indifference.
that ill continue to wish my way back
until i have the chance to do it all over.
i told her.
i am scared because i feel like i'm about the make all the wrong choices. all the bad decisions.
and i cried.
because.
really.
what i wanted to say.
is, please would it be alright if i stopped being who you thought i was and did something completely out of the ordinary context of me?
would it be okay if i just let go?
and we pretended that this illness is something more serious.
and there were things like excuses that made anything okay?
may i move to a city. wear short skirts and knit tights. get plastered on lemonade. mix red lipstick and warm tongues. wake up in the morning with a head so full of nothing that it hurts until the vomit kicks in. and last nights lemonade cascades with a mix of mystery into that softly gurgling whirlpool. cool to the touch.
the typical photographed bullshit.
no. no. no. no.
not these things. the lived in lives of others.
but mine. all mine.
something ferocious.
and me.
but we know.
i like to be in control.
and i do not believe crazy is an excuse.
so i went on a run.
but we know.
i like to be in control.
and i do not believe crazy is an excuse.
i am scared that i am too old now.
and that living like i should have long ago means that i haven' t.
the youth. they act like they have won.
oh, how i surprised you.
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