(no subject)
i'm going to post my journal from my GJ in here because it still describes how i feel:
I keep hoping that this is all a joke. I'll get the phone call at some random hour like 4:20 am and It'll be him saying its a joke.
That call isn't coming.
It finally sunk in when I saw the obituary. him laying dead in the coffin looking like plastic.
Joey is dead. He isn't coming back. And I don't know how to feel.
I mean I feel so much right now and I can't really piece it all together. I've been saying he is the last person but was he? I was reading old LJs from high school and found this huge rant he wrote about pro-suicide. Why didn't we reach out then? We're we all too wrapped up in our high school drama?
I've lost people. Young and old. But I have never known anyone to actually committ suicide.
Joey and I were never "close" but we certainly weren't distant. We hung in the same circle. I have real memories of him. Not construed memories I made up like some kid wanting attention every time a classmate dies. We harassed each other. Pretty sure I had a twisted crush on him at one point because he would help me. We'd fucking argue about movies and music then turn around and join forces to gang up on Ms Portwood our English teacher.
I read his entry in my yearbook over and over and over and its etched in my mind.
In the movie game at lunch it was always down to me and him. I finally got his ass once with Tank girl and Naomi Watts. But it's ok he'll still always know more about Saving Private Ryan than I will.
How anyone can do this I don't know. Well I do know. I can't deny that I've considered it so much. But I'm getting help right? I'm not going to end up this way.
It hurts too many people.
Life may suck man- but who knows what comes after it. I mean I believe in heaven and hell but those are just constructs. We don't know what exactly happens even if we believe that. For all we know afterlife is like hell on earth? Man.
I could use a cigarette now. And I don't even smoke.
I think the last time I ever saw Joey was at a party that I left because I didn't like to drink. I remember Jason was the one who walked me to my car. He was thinking about joining the military.
Joey killed himself with a gun. He shot himself in Jason's backyard. I can only imagine Jason's pain right now. To lose his dad to diesease and now Joey.
WHY ARE WE ALL SO FUCKED!
I need answers...before I lose it all.
I keep hoping that this is all a joke. I'll get the phone call at some random hour like 4:20 am and It'll be him saying its a joke.
That call isn't coming.
It finally sunk in when I saw the obituary. him laying dead in the coffin looking like plastic.
Joey is dead. He isn't coming back. And I don't know how to feel.
I mean I feel so much right now and I can't really piece it all together. I've been saying he is the last person but was he? I was reading old LJs from high school and found this huge rant he wrote about pro-suicide. Why didn't we reach out then? We're we all too wrapped up in our high school drama?
I've lost people. Young and old. But I have never known anyone to actually committ suicide.
Joey and I were never "close" but we certainly weren't distant. We hung in the same circle. I have real memories of him. Not construed memories I made up like some kid wanting attention every time a classmate dies. We harassed each other. Pretty sure I had a twisted crush on him at one point because he would help me. We'd fucking argue about movies and music then turn around and join forces to gang up on Ms Portwood our English teacher.
I read his entry in my yearbook over and over and over and its etched in my mind.
In the movie game at lunch it was always down to me and him. I finally got his ass once with Tank girl and Naomi Watts. But it's ok he'll still always know more about Saving Private Ryan than I will.
How anyone can do this I don't know. Well I do know. I can't deny that I've considered it so much. But I'm getting help right? I'm not going to end up this way.
It hurts too many people.
Life may suck man- but who knows what comes after it. I mean I believe in heaven and hell but those are just constructs. We don't know what exactly happens even if we believe that. For all we know afterlife is like hell on earth? Man.
I could use a cigarette now. And I don't even smoke.
I think the last time I ever saw Joey was at a party that I left because I didn't like to drink. I remember Jason was the one who walked me to my car. He was thinking about joining the military.
Joey killed himself with a gun. He shot himself in Jason's backyard. I can only imagine Jason's pain right now. To lose his dad to diesease and now Joey.
WHY ARE WE ALL SO FUCKED!
I need answers...before I lose it all.