(no subject)

[sparklesisemo]

hahaha

do you think that maybe
if i wasn't just
an every once in a while when i'm desperate kind of person to you
i wouldn't be so screwed up?

probably not actually

i just want the next ten years of my life to be over
that's terrible
i can't just waste my youth
but i don't want to look anymore
i don't want to try to replace you
i want to be fulfilled
you'll fulfill me
but
you're impossible

what a load of crap

i get so worked up over everything
and you're just chill
the way that you're supposed to be
i'm just highstrung
positive negative
right
opposite
good

i miss you
you're here
you're there
you aren't here
but you are

i can't stand this
two and a half years
two and a half years
two and a half years of time
wasted
nah
time
confusing
inconsistent

who am i?
do i even exist?
i don't think so
i'm here for a day
and then i'm gone for a week and you realize you need me
i'm back
you run
how exactly do i stop it?
i don't know
i keep going back
i get hurt

let's see
the good times outweigh the bad
i'm sure of it

i need summer

i lay outside
i soak up the sun
i feel it's warmth
it's wonderful
i'm with the grass and the trees and the flowers and the sky and the sun
but i'm alone
i would live there
i would forget about everything and everyone
i would
i promise you i would
if you were with me
and it would never rain
unless we wanted it to
i'm sick of rain
i'm sick of being cold wet and alone
i love the warmth
and the livelieness of the plants
it gives me an escape
from being so cold and dead inside
winter isn't over

i want to be recognized
i want to be wanted
look for me
find me
need me

i'm not going to regret this
because
at one point in time
this is exactly how i felt

for every depressing entry like this
there are thousands inside of me
full of love and genuine happiness

i just can't write them down