(no subject)
when you dont say anything, that just makes it worse.
i wish you would just get mad and yell at me like you used to.
it pissed me off and made me feel bad, but it wasnt a lingering wonder afterwards.
i was thinking about it today.
and instead of being nervous or excited or happy about going back to school.
im absolutely terrified.
and now, i cant stop thinking about it.
i came home tonight and went to bed like usual but i couldnt sleep.
so instead im writing this.
seems like a good way to get what im thinking out, so maybe i can sleep.
i've been getting a lot of suprises lately.
i talked to one of my guy friends that i dont usually talk to a lot and i ended up thinking he was an alright guy and i'd like to talk to him more.
it felt good to be completely honest and not tell trivial little lies to make people happy.
then he said stuff about me behind my back.
haha i dont even know why i thought that i could believe he was sincerely a nice guy, thats sad.
and now he's talking to me online, joking around about things like nothing happened, and im sitting here playing along like he didnt say ridiculously horrible things about me, why am i being nice to him... ass.
i dont think anyone reads this anymore and if they do, they dont comment.
i wouldnt be writing this if i thought people were going to take the time to read it.
i dont like being open with people.
who knows... they might turn around and talk shit less than 24 hours later.
i miss being friends with matt.
he was a nice guy. sincere. really. i could tell him everything.
i did.
if you read this matt, love you:)
and im sorry for all the fucked up shit i've done throughout the time i've known you.
i meant to return that apology a while ago.
seems like we're too busy for each other now. sorry.
i lay awake in bed last night and made a list in my head of all the things im scared of.
it was long.
the fact that it was so long was one of the things on the list.
i could've kept going but i thought it wasnt normal to think like that.
so i stopped.
that made me feel a little better.
i think i'll try out the sleeping thing again.
night.
i wish you would just get mad and yell at me like you used to.
it pissed me off and made me feel bad, but it wasnt a lingering wonder afterwards.
i was thinking about it today.
and instead of being nervous or excited or happy about going back to school.
im absolutely terrified.
and now, i cant stop thinking about it.
i came home tonight and went to bed like usual but i couldnt sleep.
so instead im writing this.
seems like a good way to get what im thinking out, so maybe i can sleep.
i've been getting a lot of suprises lately.
i talked to one of my guy friends that i dont usually talk to a lot and i ended up thinking he was an alright guy and i'd like to talk to him more.
it felt good to be completely honest and not tell trivial little lies to make people happy.
then he said stuff about me behind my back.
haha i dont even know why i thought that i could believe he was sincerely a nice guy, thats sad.
and now he's talking to me online, joking around about things like nothing happened, and im sitting here playing along like he didnt say ridiculously horrible things about me, why am i being nice to him... ass.
i dont think anyone reads this anymore and if they do, they dont comment.
i wouldnt be writing this if i thought people were going to take the time to read it.
i dont like being open with people.
who knows... they might turn around and talk shit less than 24 hours later.
i miss being friends with matt.
he was a nice guy. sincere. really. i could tell him everything.
i did.
if you read this matt, love you:)
and im sorry for all the fucked up shit i've done throughout the time i've known you.
i meant to return that apology a while ago.
seems like we're too busy for each other now. sorry.
i lay awake in bed last night and made a list in my head of all the things im scared of.
it was long.
the fact that it was so long was one of the things on the list.
i could've kept going but i thought it wasnt normal to think like that.
so i stopped.
that made me feel a little better.
i think i'll try out the sleeping thing again.
night.