Reality
I forgot for a period of time what it was like to be broken, lost, helpless, and to live a life of disconnect. Each morning as I scamper to class or work with the fear of being late nibbling at my heals I still take a moment to look up and to enjoy. I enjoy the beauty of God’s creation. I thank him for it and live in awe and appreciation of everything that I have been given simply because I am. During this morning jaunts my thoughts, insecurities, and worries about that upcoming day also come to mind but they seem to slide over my conscious like jello slipping through ones fingers. There is almost no interaction, they move with a force that is there own. I don’t even have to tell myself not to worry or ask God to take away my anxiety. The thoughts just pass by, they slip away effortlessly, almost as if there existence is only maintained out of habit.
I am lucky. This I have come to be very sure of. I have so much in so many ways, maybe too much. Have I been given so much that I can no longer truly appreciate everything that I have because I do not have the capacity to devote enough attention to everything that God has given me. I don’t know. What I do know is that I don’t want to take it for grant it. I don’t want to forget how it feels to not have anything, to not feel at all. I am not completely sure how to stay in touch with the pain and to go back to my old metaphor-how to swim through life instead of walking on the surface. I don’t know which course I have been taking lately. I don’t feel like I have simply been glazing over life and not letting myself feel highs and lows. Instead I have just felt even keeled. Maybe that’s it, maybe life has just become to stable. I am no longer be rocked by the waves when they come. Is it good not to be rocked? The more I think about it the more I think that that can’t possibly be a good thing. One of the things that I value more than anything is feeling, feeling every emotion deeply, wholly, and intensely. I need to go there again. I need to jump ship and let myself experience every little ripple that come at me. Even if I must sink a bit it is more than worth it if it means experiencing a more authentic way of living.
I do not want to ever forget. Forgetting makes me loose touch with the world that I thought I had been embracing. I cannot let myself merely engage the positives. If the negatives are slipping away from me with out any bit of friction I must reach out my hand and stop them. I must do this so that I can maintain a full appreciation of everything that is going on around me and possibly more importantly so that I never loose the ability to connect with others and feel their pain. I hate having my boyfriend tell me things that are troubling him and to only be able to hurt on a level where I feel bad for his pain. I want to get to the place where I can feel his pain again. I want to be able to cry for others the way I used to. I want the tears to overflow from my eyes so that maybe the other person’s eyes don’t have to be wetted and if it can’t stop that so that at least that aren’t entirely alone. No one should have to be entirely alone. I want my solitude to “border and salute” another’s. (Rainer Maria Rilke)
It is good to be reminded. It is good to be torn down. Why does my nature constantly insist upon building me up, taking me away from the “ground on which it is safe to stand and fall.”
(Parker J. Palmer) I want to live the pain of the people around me. I want to live my own pain. I don’t want to have to experience the walk through hell that is depression ever again simple because I have not learned my lesson. I want to come alongside the hurting. I want to minister to the kids at my internship the way Billy ministered to Parker. I want to rub their feet and connect with the only part of them that still feels human.
I want to always still feel, for that is part of “the humanity that we share with others.” (Palmer)
I am lucky. This I have come to be very sure of. I have so much in so many ways, maybe too much. Have I been given so much that I can no longer truly appreciate everything that I have because I do not have the capacity to devote enough attention to everything that God has given me. I don’t know. What I do know is that I don’t want to take it for grant it. I don’t want to forget how it feels to not have anything, to not feel at all. I am not completely sure how to stay in touch with the pain and to go back to my old metaphor-how to swim through life instead of walking on the surface. I don’t know which course I have been taking lately. I don’t feel like I have simply been glazing over life and not letting myself feel highs and lows. Instead I have just felt even keeled. Maybe that’s it, maybe life has just become to stable. I am no longer be rocked by the waves when they come. Is it good not to be rocked? The more I think about it the more I think that that can’t possibly be a good thing. One of the things that I value more than anything is feeling, feeling every emotion deeply, wholly, and intensely. I need to go there again. I need to jump ship and let myself experience every little ripple that come at me. Even if I must sink a bit it is more than worth it if it means experiencing a more authentic way of living.
I do not want to ever forget. Forgetting makes me loose touch with the world that I thought I had been embracing. I cannot let myself merely engage the positives. If the negatives are slipping away from me with out any bit of friction I must reach out my hand and stop them. I must do this so that I can maintain a full appreciation of everything that is going on around me and possibly more importantly so that I never loose the ability to connect with others and feel their pain. I hate having my boyfriend tell me things that are troubling him and to only be able to hurt on a level where I feel bad for his pain. I want to get to the place where I can feel his pain again. I want to be able to cry for others the way I used to. I want the tears to overflow from my eyes so that maybe the other person’s eyes don’t have to be wetted and if it can’t stop that so that at least that aren’t entirely alone. No one should have to be entirely alone. I want my solitude to “border and salute” another’s. (Rainer Maria Rilke)
It is good to be reminded. It is good to be torn down. Why does my nature constantly insist upon building me up, taking me away from the “ground on which it is safe to stand and fall.”
(Parker J. Palmer) I want to live the pain of the people around me. I want to live my own pain. I don’t want to have to experience the walk through hell that is depression ever again simple because I have not learned my lesson. I want to come alongside the hurting. I want to minister to the kids at my internship the way Billy ministered to Parker. I want to rub their feet and connect with the only part of them that still feels human.
I want to always still feel, for that is part of “the humanity that we share with others.” (Palmer)