*Maybe Things R Clearin' Up a Lil...*
hey guys .. whats goin on? okay.. so today i was in a really good mood cuz me and trav r goin back out. i love that kid so much u dun even kno! when he broke up with me it seriously broke my heart right in half. i mean.. yeah.. i saw it comin but it still hurt like a bitch! why do relationships have to be so complicated? geeez! lol
okay.. so all day i was in a good mood .. then after school i called trav and he said hed call me back in a lil bit. so i smoked and all that good stuff then waited for him to call me back. my bro yelled for me and said the phone was for me.. it was trav and my bro was like "jess r u guys goin out?" and i was like yeah and he said that trav just laughed when i said that. i asked trav if he did and he said he didnt.. but i dunno. not a big deal. but then trav was like okay.. i need to talk to u about something and i was like alrighty. and he said that he didnt even kno we were goin back out until my bro asked him cuz he was too drunk to remember last nite. but he didnt even sound like he was fucked up tho when i talked to him later on that nite when he asked me out again.. he said that he was blacked out.. whatever tho.. not a big deal. i mean... i woulda felt bad for goin back out with him except for the fact that hes the one who asked me back out last nite. he just made me promise i wouldnt lie to him ne more. he makes it sound like it was a big elaborate lie.. but it wasnt.. it was basically a white lil lie because i didnt want neone to get hurt. but in the end it ended up bitin me in the ass instead.. dont u just hate that?
trav got mad at me cuz i said that i wish i woulda never told him that nick stuck his hand down my pants. i dont regret saying that... because there are times that i do regret telling him because mine and nicks friendship is gone forever. i miss when i used to be sad and i could just walk down the street and smoke a few bowls with him and talk everything out. i mean.. me and nick were perfect friends.. we got along awesome. we just should of never gone out.. thats what ruined the whole thing. so heres some advice neone.. dont ever even think twice about doing nething sexually with ur best friend.. it jus fucks things up more. all in all tho.. im happy that i told trav because for those two months that i didnt tell him .. it was eating me alive. i mean.. i kno most ppl wouldnt say thats that big of a deal.. but to me it was because it was like my best friend stabbin me in the back. u kno? its fucked up .
okay.. so today i saw megan k when i went to the bathroom after my 6th hr exam. i thought that she hated me because she hasnt been talkin to me lately. so i asked her if she did and she said she didnt. ithgouth she was cuz of what i told her and she said she was happy i told her. and i was talkin bout how i think trav jus needs to let this go because megan and nick r fine now and they let it go and nicks the one who did it! megan said that trav thinks that i really did do something with nick tho cuz he doesnt think i could walk away from it. okay.. to me.. that sounds like hes callin me a fuckin whore and that pisses me off really bad. because honestly.. i could of let nick keep his hand down my pants.. but i have more respect for mine and travs relationship, megan and nicks relationship and for myself. i will never let a guy play me like ive let guys play me in the past.. thats fucked up..
honestly.. i would never cheat on trav.. i love him more then nething. and i hope he feels vice versa also. things r jus so complicated in relationships! another reason i wish i woulda never told trav is because he acts like he doesnt have as much trust in me now as he used to. i think thats total bullshit because i didnt even do nething with nick. i guess thats kinda why i was hesitant about tellin trav is because i knew he would think i jus let nick keep his hand down my pants. but im not like that. our relationship just seemed so .. i hate to use this word.. but theres nothing else to describe it besides *perfect*. we are so much alike and i love it. it just seems like ever since i told him.. weve kinda been growing apart and i hate that..
when trav broke up with me.. i called birdman and was talkin to him and he said that i shouldnt let it get to me too bad cuz were not even 18 yet and we have our whole lives ahead of us. i mean.. i dont really expect me and trav to be together forever.. but its a nice dream i have. =D lol.
travs changed me so much in so many good ways. i get good grades now, i dont skip as much, i kno how to talk out my feelings, i dont get pissed easy, i feel way more confident about myself, im a more openminded person now, i smile all the time and god.. does the list really need to continue? lol just.. what im tryin to say is i really dont want to lose him .. i love him too much to lose him. ive never felt this way before. i remember one time when he kissed me in his room and we were standin up and i almost fell cuz my knees went weak and trav looked at me and was like " i make your knees go weak.. dont i?" well how cant you make my knees go weak.. you're everything ive wanted and everything ive ever needed. i love you with all my heart babi.. forever & always*
i told trav last nite that if he wants to break up .. its fine.. because he said he wanted to go on a break.. but i dun want to go on a break.. i want a relationship or i dont. either he really and truely wants me or he doesnt.. it shouldnt have to be a question. he broke up with me basically because of all the dramma but i explained to him that just because were broke up .. doesnt mean the dramas gunna go away. i cant wait to move out of my house cuz i think once im away from my mom a lot of drama in my life will go away. another reason i dun wanna go on a break is because i dun want him to do shit with other girls and then come back to me and go out with me and do shit with me cuz thats dirty. last nite when i heard he was goin to the club i got so jealous that i didnt even wanna go back out with him cuz i didnt want him to do nething iwth another girl from the club. i kno i shouldnt of been jealous.. but i couldnt help it...
but hey.. im gunna go cuz trav wanted me to call him in an hr cuz hes at a basketball game rite now. i really wish that he could of come to my gmas with me but he has to drive his mom to the airpot on sunday cuz shes goin to FL. then on sunday were gunna hang out when i get home. we def. need to talk a lot of stuff out. i hate talkin bout shit on the phone cuz i like to see peoples facial expressions when i say stuff to see how they really feel because u can always tell by the look someone has in their eyes.
when i talked to trav and he said he didnt remember i said that if he wanted to be broken up again and he could think about it.. thats fine.. but he said he wanted to stay togther. but now im wonderin if he really does because it was hard for him in the first place to break up with me. i wanted to cry.. but i didnt want him to see how hurt i really was because i want him to do what he wants.. not what i want.. i want him to be happy.. i dont want him to just try and make me happy. you kno?
love you sexi bitches!
mad love
jess
okay.. so all day i was in a good mood .. then after school i called trav and he said hed call me back in a lil bit. so i smoked and all that good stuff then waited for him to call me back. my bro yelled for me and said the phone was for me.. it was trav and my bro was like "jess r u guys goin out?" and i was like yeah and he said that trav just laughed when i said that. i asked trav if he did and he said he didnt.. but i dunno. not a big deal. but then trav was like okay.. i need to talk to u about something and i was like alrighty. and he said that he didnt even kno we were goin back out until my bro asked him cuz he was too drunk to remember last nite. but he didnt even sound like he was fucked up tho when i talked to him later on that nite when he asked me out again.. he said that he was blacked out.. whatever tho.. not a big deal. i mean... i woulda felt bad for goin back out with him except for the fact that hes the one who asked me back out last nite. he just made me promise i wouldnt lie to him ne more. he makes it sound like it was a big elaborate lie.. but it wasnt.. it was basically a white lil lie because i didnt want neone to get hurt. but in the end it ended up bitin me in the ass instead.. dont u just hate that?
trav got mad at me cuz i said that i wish i woulda never told him that nick stuck his hand down my pants. i dont regret saying that... because there are times that i do regret telling him because mine and nicks friendship is gone forever. i miss when i used to be sad and i could just walk down the street and smoke a few bowls with him and talk everything out. i mean.. me and nick were perfect friends.. we got along awesome. we just should of never gone out.. thats what ruined the whole thing. so heres some advice neone.. dont ever even think twice about doing nething sexually with ur best friend.. it jus fucks things up more. all in all tho.. im happy that i told trav because for those two months that i didnt tell him .. it was eating me alive. i mean.. i kno most ppl wouldnt say thats that big of a deal.. but to me it was because it was like my best friend stabbin me in the back. u kno? its fucked up .
okay.. so today i saw megan k when i went to the bathroom after my 6th hr exam. i thought that she hated me because she hasnt been talkin to me lately. so i asked her if she did and she said she didnt. ithgouth she was cuz of what i told her and she said she was happy i told her. and i was talkin bout how i think trav jus needs to let this go because megan and nick r fine now and they let it go and nicks the one who did it! megan said that trav thinks that i really did do something with nick tho cuz he doesnt think i could walk away from it. okay.. to me.. that sounds like hes callin me a fuckin whore and that pisses me off really bad. because honestly.. i could of let nick keep his hand down my pants.. but i have more respect for mine and travs relationship, megan and nicks relationship and for myself. i will never let a guy play me like ive let guys play me in the past.. thats fucked up..
honestly.. i would never cheat on trav.. i love him more then nething. and i hope he feels vice versa also. things r jus so complicated in relationships! another reason i wish i woulda never told trav is because he acts like he doesnt have as much trust in me now as he used to. i think thats total bullshit because i didnt even do nething with nick. i guess thats kinda why i was hesitant about tellin trav is because i knew he would think i jus let nick keep his hand down my pants. but im not like that. our relationship just seemed so .. i hate to use this word.. but theres nothing else to describe it besides *perfect*. we are so much alike and i love it. it just seems like ever since i told him.. weve kinda been growing apart and i hate that..
when trav broke up with me.. i called birdman and was talkin to him and he said that i shouldnt let it get to me too bad cuz were not even 18 yet and we have our whole lives ahead of us. i mean.. i dont really expect me and trav to be together forever.. but its a nice dream i have. =D lol.
travs changed me so much in so many good ways. i get good grades now, i dont skip as much, i kno how to talk out my feelings, i dont get pissed easy, i feel way more confident about myself, im a more openminded person now, i smile all the time and god.. does the list really need to continue? lol just.. what im tryin to say is i really dont want to lose him .. i love him too much to lose him. ive never felt this way before. i remember one time when he kissed me in his room and we were standin up and i almost fell cuz my knees went weak and trav looked at me and was like " i make your knees go weak.. dont i?" well how cant you make my knees go weak.. you're everything ive wanted and everything ive ever needed. i love you with all my heart babi.. forever & always*
i told trav last nite that if he wants to break up .. its fine.. because he said he wanted to go on a break.. but i dun want to go on a break.. i want a relationship or i dont. either he really and truely wants me or he doesnt.. it shouldnt have to be a question. he broke up with me basically because of all the dramma but i explained to him that just because were broke up .. doesnt mean the dramas gunna go away. i cant wait to move out of my house cuz i think once im away from my mom a lot of drama in my life will go away. another reason i dun wanna go on a break is because i dun want him to do shit with other girls and then come back to me and go out with me and do shit with me cuz thats dirty. last nite when i heard he was goin to the club i got so jealous that i didnt even wanna go back out with him cuz i didnt want him to do nething iwth another girl from the club. i kno i shouldnt of been jealous.. but i couldnt help it...
but hey.. im gunna go cuz trav wanted me to call him in an hr cuz hes at a basketball game rite now. i really wish that he could of come to my gmas with me but he has to drive his mom to the airpot on sunday cuz shes goin to FL. then on sunday were gunna hang out when i get home. we def. need to talk a lot of stuff out. i hate talkin bout shit on the phone cuz i like to see peoples facial expressions when i say stuff to see how they really feel because u can always tell by the look someone has in their eyes.
when i talked to trav and he said he didnt remember i said that if he wanted to be broken up again and he could think about it.. thats fine.. but he said he wanted to stay togther. but now im wonderin if he really does because it was hard for him in the first place to break up with me. i wanted to cry.. but i didnt want him to see how hurt i really was because i want him to do what he wants.. not what i want.. i want him to be happy.. i dont want him to just try and make me happy. you kno?
love you sexi bitches!
mad love
jess