Fic: Personnel Issues - Part 09
Title: Personnel Issues
Authors: sparking_off and pinkfairy727
Characters/Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, Tosh, Owen,
Warnings: Canon character death, swearing
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 36,300
Beta: etmuse
Summary: The Torchwood Three email newsletter: an excuse to gossip, bitch, plan dates, fight, and discuss squirrel rats.
Spoilers: For all of series 2.
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Newsletter no. 47
News
A mostly uneventful week while Gwen was away, and then on Saturday the Night Travellers came out of old film and terrorised Cardiff for a while. They are now safely locked away on film in the secure archives.
The sole survivor of their attacks has been collected by relatives. Retcon was not needed in this case, as he remembers very little of the events.
The cinema has been closed and will remain under observation for a period of three months, after which it will be returned to the owners. Compensation has been granted.
In other news, Myfanwy has had a bad cold and is still not quite over it. Please don’t go near her (unless you’re Owen with her medicine).
Personnel issues
Jack has suggested that Owen and I ought to have anger management therapy. We have both politely declined.
Inmates
Two weevils (Janet and Marlene).
Fish tank.
Squirrel rats (10).
Four humans (Jack, Ianto, Gwen & Tosh).
One King of the Weevils, or the walking dead (Owen).
Pteranodon (Myfanwy).
Miscellaneous
A variety of items from the personal lockers have been pilfered, including Tosh’s second-favourite high heels, Gwen’s silk scarf and my cufflinks. The culprit will please return them in original condition - or replace them.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
....I’ll replace them. Squirrel Rat appears to have formed some sort of bond with that bloody pterodactyl - God only knows why, seeing as how she keeps trying to eat him! - and I think he gave them to Myfanwy as a Get Well Soon present. At least I’m hoping they were Get Well Soon presents. You guys want them actually replaced or do you want a check so you can replace them yourselves?
Jack, I stand by my original statement. If Ianto and I need anger management then you and Gwen need it too. Do I need to remind you of what happened during the last computer blip when Gwen’s honeymoon pictures vanished? I’ve lost count of how many times Ianto has threatened to tie you to your chair when you’re dealing with the PM. (Though, I strongly suspect that the only reason he’s not followed through on this threat is that you would enjoy it far too much.)
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
What I want to know, Owen, is how that thing got Ianto’s cufflinks seeing as how they were in my room!
Enough is enough. I want that thing tagged and a bloody alarm to beep whenever that thing gets out of its cell. Tosh, can you knock something up and make sure Owen actually tags it? Thank you.
Finally, somebody want to tell me why I didn’t get an invite to the cinema? I know Tosh didn’t go, but at least she got invited. Just think, if you’d invited me I could have hidden a bag of popcorn under my coat...
Captain Jack Harkness (Who Is Starting To Get Really Sick of That Squirrel Rat).
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
You weren’t invited because you were on the phone, Jack.
Tosh, do you want any help preparing the tagging equipment? I have to admit, I’m surprised it was the squirrel rat. I suspected a rather more immortal culprit.
Ianto
Coffee god, disturbed.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Sure, Ianto, thanks. I’ll start in a few minutes, just finishing up my report from the weekend. Jack, did you want the full history included, or just sent straight over to Ianto and archives? I’ve included a copy of the film of you in your circus days. As evidence.
Oh, and Ianto, I’ve made you a copy too. And I want to hear about what you think Jack would have been doing with heels, a scarf and cuff links!!!!
I’ll take the money, Owen; it’s not that I don’t trust you with shoes, more that I think you’d buy me something hideously garish and with the wrong sort of heels.
Tosh
Tech wizard, intrigued.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
I have some ideas, Tosh…
Are we following up on that poor boy? I know he’s gone to family but you can never be too careful. Although I suppose social services will keep an eye, won’t they?
Gwen
Settling into domestic…harmony?
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
I, for one, DO NOT want to know why Ianto thought Jack had Tosh's heels.
Ianto, your cufflinks appear to have survived their trip into Myfanwy’s lair. They’re on your desk. Tosh, let me know how much they were. You too, Gwen, seeing as how Tosh has so little faith in my shopping skills, I’m assuming you want cash too?
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Full history please, Tosh, just in case something similar happens again.
Social services will be keeping an eye on him, Gwen. Tosh is monitoring his medical notes for the next three months or so, just to make sure there’s no lasting effects from the Ghost Maker, and then we’ll close the file.
I, too, would like to know why Ianto thought I had your stuff, but now I’m thinking about it, I’ve got a few ideas...
(A thoughtful) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
You forget, Jack, I’m the archivist. I’ve seen the photos attached to your personal file.
Thank you, Owen, much appreciated. Those cufflinks were a present with quite a lot of sentimental value.
Coffee in ten minutes, everyone, but we’re out of biscuits. I think someone’s been feeding them to the squirrel rat, judging by the crumbs in his cell. I also think Jack’s been eating them in bed again.
Ianto
Coffee god, disturbed.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Thanks, Jack, that reassures me a lot. I don’t mean to worry just I saw a fair few kids when I was in the police that got placed with family, but it wasn’t the right thing. People just assume families will look after their relatives but it doesn’t always happen that way.
Definitely looking forward to the coffee, Ianto!
By the way Rhys says he wants to invite you all round for supper, maybe on Saturday. I said you probably would have other plans - and obviously Owen doesn’t eat - but the invite’s there.
Gwen
Settling into domestic…harmony?
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
...I'm saying nothing about the biscuits.
Thanks for the offer, Gwen, but Ianto and I are out Saturday night. Maybe another night, though?
I'd forgotten about some of those pictures, though I think I've still got that feather boa somewhere.
Captain Jack Harkness (Who Is Eagerly Waiting For His Coffee).
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Sorry, Gwen, but I didn't do domestic when I could eat, nevermind now.
Whoever it is feeding Baby Squirrel Rat biscuits please KNOCK IT OFF, you're ruining all my training methods and he's starting to get fat.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
We’re out on Saturday night, are we, Jack?
I have a meeting with the city council after lunch, just to warn everyone that I’ll be out of the office from 1.30. Also, can we please not have pizza for lunch?
Ianto
Coffee god, disturbed.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Owen, I know for a fact you’ve been feeding that rat the biscuits. I saw you go down there with a whole packet of digestives.
Gwen
Settling into domestic…harmony?
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Why’s he complaining about it, then?
Ianto
Coffee god, disturbed.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
I’ve not been feeding the squirrel rats, I’ve been giving them to the Weevils, okay? And don’t ask how I know they were craving digestives, I just did. The weevils, also, don’t get fat sharing one packet of biscuits. Baby squirrel rat, however, is either fat or pregnant, and given that I know he’s male, I’m hoping it’s the former.
I don’t care who is feeding the squirrel rat, just pack it in!
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Yes, Ianto, out. As in dinner, movie, walk by the pier. It’ll be fun, and I’m not taking no for an answer! You need a night off.
I don’t know about anybody else, but I’m craving pasta.
...Owen, do me a favour, yeah, and give that rat an ultrasound, just in case? Stranger things have happened.
(A slightly worried) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Will do, Jack, as soon as I’ve checked on Myfanwy. She appears to be sneezing and coughing quite badly again. Ianto, I know you’re worried - sorry, CONCERNED - but if you’re just going to hover while I check her over, do me a favour and stay down here, yeah?
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
It’s not hovering, it’s making sure she doesn’t bite your hand off. There is a rather large difference. She seemed to be getting better. I’ve not let her out for more than fresh air, she gets so cooped up. But not in the rain, obviously, although from what I’ve observed rain doesn’t affect her that much - not as much as heat, but we’ve had such cold weather lately…
I wasn’t objecting, Jack, just wondering if I was going to be asked on this date, or just summoned for it?
Ianto
Coffee god, concerned.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
My report is complete, Jack, and I’ve sent it through. I’ve got a lovely bit of coding to do this afternoon, if nothing else happens. Having said that, I bet we get Rift activity now, or Weevils, or something!
I’m in the mood for sushi, actually. Gwen? Ianto?
Tosh
Tech wizard, intrigued.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Aren’t biscuits just as bad for weevils as they are for the squirrel rat?
Sushi sounds lovely if nobody else has any objections. But then so does pasta! I’m easy.
Gwen
Settling into domestic…harmony?
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Sushi sounds good.
Ianto
Coffee god, concerned.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Summoned wasn’t what I was going for, Ianto. It was supposed to be more of a ‘majestically sweep you off your feet’ thing. I’ll try harder next time.
Report seems exemplary as always, Tosh. Thank you :)
I can live with sushi. Don’t forget to give my love to the Mayor, Ianto.
(A slightly hungry) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
A packet of biscuits between two weevils, Gwen, in human terms is about the same as Jack and Ianto sharing a packet. However, one biscuit to the squirrel rat is about the equivalent of one meat-feast pizza to one of us. Quite frankly, I’m surprised he’s not fatter than he is.
And yes, Jack, I’ve checked - it is just fat. I’m working on a new training schedule now.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Squirrel Rat Expert, So Stop Questioning Me, GWEN!
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Swept off my feet usually involves more bruising.
Sushi order has been phoned in to the restaurant, I’ll be picking it up shortly.
Owen, about Myfanwy - is the medication having any effect at all?
Ianto
Coffee god, concerned.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Jack, I’ve attached that Rift data you wanted. Nothing unusual about it, as far as I can see. If there’s nothing else I’m going to get stuck into that code now.
Tosh
Tech wizard, intrigued.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Well if it wasn’t you, Owen, who’s been feeding the thing then? It’s not me!
I’ve had a call from Andy, I’ll be off out after lunch, he thinks he’s got something for us. I’ll have my phone and comm.
Gwen
Settling into domestic…harmony.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Yes, Ianto, it’s working fine, she’s just had a minor set-back. She’ll be fine in a few days or so. STOP FUSSING!
Will somebody please distract him while I go check on the thing? Jack, I’m looking at you here.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Super Pterodactyl Vet (When Not Distracted By Archivists With A Mother-Hen Complex).
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Don’t worry, Owen, I’m already on it. Lunch in my office, Ianto? ;)
(A mischievous) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
I’M NOT FUSSING.
I’m going to get lunch. Back in fifteen minutes.
Ianto
Coffee god, concerned.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Of course you’re not. She’s your pet, it’s perfectly natural. But she will be fine you know.
Gwen
Settling into domestic…harmony?
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Gwen went out at one and she’s not back yet. I hope Andy hasn’t jumped on her!!
Tosh
Tech wizard, amused.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Gwen will be fine, Tosh, as will Myfanwy, Ianto. And before you say anything, Jack, just because Ianto is still in the archives doesn’t mean he’s been turned into a pile of dust by one of the artefacts!
NOW WILL YOU ALL STOP FUSSING!!!!!
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
And Ianto thinks I can’t detect humour in emails! Owen, perhaps you should go for a walk, clear your head a bit.
I think I’ll go check that Ianto hasn’t been eaten by anything...just in case. ;)
(A devious) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Gwen, I’ve got a proposition for you when you get back. How about I hold Jack down and you punch his lights out, because THOSE SMILEY FACES ARE STARTING TO GET ON MY FUCKING NERVES!!!
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
Part 10
Authors: sparking_off and pinkfairy727
Characters/Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, Tosh, Owen,
Warnings: Canon character death, swearing
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 36,300
Beta: etmuse
Summary: The Torchwood Three email newsletter: an excuse to gossip, bitch, plan dates, fight, and discuss squirrel rats.
Spoilers: For all of series 2.
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Newsletter no. 47
News
A mostly uneventful week while Gwen was away, and then on Saturday the Night Travellers came out of old film and terrorised Cardiff for a while. They are now safely locked away on film in the secure archives.
The sole survivor of their attacks has been collected by relatives. Retcon was not needed in this case, as he remembers very little of the events.
The cinema has been closed and will remain under observation for a period of three months, after which it will be returned to the owners. Compensation has been granted.
In other news, Myfanwy has had a bad cold and is still not quite over it. Please don’t go near her (unless you’re Owen with her medicine).
Personnel issues
Jack has suggested that Owen and I ought to have anger management therapy. We have both politely declined.
Inmates
Two weevils (Janet and Marlene).
Fish tank.
Squirrel rats (10).
Four humans (Jack, Ianto, Gwen & Tosh).
One King of the Weevils, or the walking dead (Owen).
Pteranodon (Myfanwy).
Miscellaneous
A variety of items from the personal lockers have been pilfered, including Tosh’s second-favourite high heels, Gwen’s silk scarf and my cufflinks. The culprit will please return them in original condition - or replace them.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
....I’ll replace them. Squirrel Rat appears to have formed some sort of bond with that bloody pterodactyl - God only knows why, seeing as how she keeps trying to eat him! - and I think he gave them to Myfanwy as a Get Well Soon present. At least I’m hoping they were Get Well Soon presents. You guys want them actually replaced or do you want a check so you can replace them yourselves?
Jack, I stand by my original statement. If Ianto and I need anger management then you and Gwen need it too. Do I need to remind you of what happened during the last computer blip when Gwen’s honeymoon pictures vanished? I’ve lost count of how many times Ianto has threatened to tie you to your chair when you’re dealing with the PM. (Though, I strongly suspect that the only reason he’s not followed through on this threat is that you would enjoy it far too much.)
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
What I want to know, Owen, is how that thing got Ianto’s cufflinks seeing as how they were in my room!
Enough is enough. I want that thing tagged and a bloody alarm to beep whenever that thing gets out of its cell. Tosh, can you knock something up and make sure Owen actually tags it? Thank you.
Finally, somebody want to tell me why I didn’t get an invite to the cinema? I know Tosh didn’t go, but at least she got invited. Just think, if you’d invited me I could have hidden a bag of popcorn under my coat...
Captain Jack Harkness (Who Is Starting To Get Really Sick of That Squirrel Rat).
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
You weren’t invited because you were on the phone, Jack.
Tosh, do you want any help preparing the tagging equipment? I have to admit, I’m surprised it was the squirrel rat. I suspected a rather more immortal culprit.
Ianto
Coffee god, disturbed.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Sure, Ianto, thanks. I’ll start in a few minutes, just finishing up my report from the weekend. Jack, did you want the full history included, or just sent straight over to Ianto and archives? I’ve included a copy of the film of you in your circus days. As evidence.
Oh, and Ianto, I’ve made you a copy too. And I want to hear about what you think Jack would have been doing with heels, a scarf and cuff links!!!!
I’ll take the money, Owen; it’s not that I don’t trust you with shoes, more that I think you’d buy me something hideously garish and with the wrong sort of heels.
Tosh
Tech wizard, intrigued.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
I have some ideas, Tosh…
Are we following up on that poor boy? I know he’s gone to family but you can never be too careful. Although I suppose social services will keep an eye, won’t they?
Gwen
Settling into domestic…harmony?
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
I, for one, DO NOT want to know why Ianto thought Jack had Tosh's heels.
Ianto, your cufflinks appear to have survived their trip into Myfanwy’s lair. They’re on your desk. Tosh, let me know how much they were. You too, Gwen, seeing as how Tosh has so little faith in my shopping skills, I’m assuming you want cash too?
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Full history please, Tosh, just in case something similar happens again.
Social services will be keeping an eye on him, Gwen. Tosh is monitoring his medical notes for the next three months or so, just to make sure there’s no lasting effects from the Ghost Maker, and then we’ll close the file.
I, too, would like to know why Ianto thought I had your stuff, but now I’m thinking about it, I’ve got a few ideas...
(A thoughtful) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
You forget, Jack, I’m the archivist. I’ve seen the photos attached to your personal file.
Thank you, Owen, much appreciated. Those cufflinks were a present with quite a lot of sentimental value.
Coffee in ten minutes, everyone, but we’re out of biscuits. I think someone’s been feeding them to the squirrel rat, judging by the crumbs in his cell. I also think Jack’s been eating them in bed again.
Ianto
Coffee god, disturbed.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Thanks, Jack, that reassures me a lot. I don’t mean to worry just I saw a fair few kids when I was in the police that got placed with family, but it wasn’t the right thing. People just assume families will look after their relatives but it doesn’t always happen that way.
Definitely looking forward to the coffee, Ianto!
By the way Rhys says he wants to invite you all round for supper, maybe on Saturday. I said you probably would have other plans - and obviously Owen doesn’t eat - but the invite’s there.
Gwen
Settling into domestic…harmony?
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
...I'm saying nothing about the biscuits.
Thanks for the offer, Gwen, but Ianto and I are out Saturday night. Maybe another night, though?
I'd forgotten about some of those pictures, though I think I've still got that feather boa somewhere.
Captain Jack Harkness (Who Is Eagerly Waiting For His Coffee).
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Sorry, Gwen, but I didn't do domestic when I could eat, nevermind now.
Whoever it is feeding Baby Squirrel Rat biscuits please KNOCK IT OFF, you're ruining all my training methods and he's starting to get fat.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
We’re out on Saturday night, are we, Jack?
I have a meeting with the city council after lunch, just to warn everyone that I’ll be out of the office from 1.30. Also, can we please not have pizza for lunch?
Ianto
Coffee god, disturbed.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Owen, I know for a fact you’ve been feeding that rat the biscuits. I saw you go down there with a whole packet of digestives.
Gwen
Settling into domestic…harmony?
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Why’s he complaining about it, then?
Ianto
Coffee god, disturbed.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
I’ve not been feeding the squirrel rats, I’ve been giving them to the Weevils, okay? And don’t ask how I know they were craving digestives, I just did. The weevils, also, don’t get fat sharing one packet of biscuits. Baby squirrel rat, however, is either fat or pregnant, and given that I know he’s male, I’m hoping it’s the former.
I don’t care who is feeding the squirrel rat, just pack it in!
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Yes, Ianto, out. As in dinner, movie, walk by the pier. It’ll be fun, and I’m not taking no for an answer! You need a night off.
I don’t know about anybody else, but I’m craving pasta.
...Owen, do me a favour, yeah, and give that rat an ultrasound, just in case? Stranger things have happened.
(A slightly worried) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Will do, Jack, as soon as I’ve checked on Myfanwy. She appears to be sneezing and coughing quite badly again. Ianto, I know you’re worried - sorry, CONCERNED - but if you’re just going to hover while I check her over, do me a favour and stay down here, yeah?
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
It’s not hovering, it’s making sure she doesn’t bite your hand off. There is a rather large difference. She seemed to be getting better. I’ve not let her out for more than fresh air, she gets so cooped up. But not in the rain, obviously, although from what I’ve observed rain doesn’t affect her that much - not as much as heat, but we’ve had such cold weather lately…
I wasn’t objecting, Jack, just wondering if I was going to be asked on this date, or just summoned for it?
Ianto
Coffee god, concerned.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
My report is complete, Jack, and I’ve sent it through. I’ve got a lovely bit of coding to do this afternoon, if nothing else happens. Having said that, I bet we get Rift activity now, or Weevils, or something!
I’m in the mood for sushi, actually. Gwen? Ianto?
Tosh
Tech wizard, intrigued.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Aren’t biscuits just as bad for weevils as they are for the squirrel rat?
Sushi sounds lovely if nobody else has any objections. But then so does pasta! I’m easy.
Gwen
Settling into domestic…harmony?
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Sushi sounds good.
Ianto
Coffee god, concerned.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Summoned wasn’t what I was going for, Ianto. It was supposed to be more of a ‘majestically sweep you off your feet’ thing. I’ll try harder next time.
Report seems exemplary as always, Tosh. Thank you :)
I can live with sushi. Don’t forget to give my love to the Mayor, Ianto.
(A slightly hungry) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
A packet of biscuits between two weevils, Gwen, in human terms is about the same as Jack and Ianto sharing a packet. However, one biscuit to the squirrel rat is about the equivalent of one meat-feast pizza to one of us. Quite frankly, I’m surprised he’s not fatter than he is.
And yes, Jack, I’ve checked - it is just fat. I’m working on a new training schedule now.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Squirrel Rat Expert, So Stop Questioning Me, GWEN!
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Swept off my feet usually involves more bruising.
Sushi order has been phoned in to the restaurant, I’ll be picking it up shortly.
Owen, about Myfanwy - is the medication having any effect at all?
Ianto
Coffee god, concerned.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Jack, I’ve attached that Rift data you wanted. Nothing unusual about it, as far as I can see. If there’s nothing else I’m going to get stuck into that code now.
Tosh
Tech wizard, intrigued.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Well if it wasn’t you, Owen, who’s been feeding the thing then? It’s not me!
I’ve had a call from Andy, I’ll be off out after lunch, he thinks he’s got something for us. I’ll have my phone and comm.
Gwen
Settling into domestic…harmony.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Yes, Ianto, it’s working fine, she’s just had a minor set-back. She’ll be fine in a few days or so. STOP FUSSING!
Will somebody please distract him while I go check on the thing? Jack, I’m looking at you here.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Super Pterodactyl Vet (When Not Distracted By Archivists With A Mother-Hen Complex).
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Don’t worry, Owen, I’m already on it. Lunch in my office, Ianto? ;)
(A mischievous) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
I’M NOT FUSSING.
I’m going to get lunch. Back in fifteen minutes.
Ianto
Coffee god, concerned.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Of course you’re not. She’s your pet, it’s perfectly natural. But she will be fine you know.
Gwen
Settling into domestic…harmony?
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Gwen went out at one and she’s not back yet. I hope Andy hasn’t jumped on her!!
Tosh
Tech wizard, amused.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Gwen will be fine, Tosh, as will Myfanwy, Ianto. And before you say anything, Jack, just because Ianto is still in the archives doesn’t mean he’s been turned into a pile of dust by one of the artefacts!
NOW WILL YOU ALL STOP FUSSING!!!!!
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
And Ianto thinks I can’t detect humour in emails! Owen, perhaps you should go for a walk, clear your head a bit.
I think I’ll go check that Ianto hasn’t been eaten by anything...just in case. ;)
(A devious) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47
Gwen, I’ve got a proposition for you when you get back. How about I hold Jack down and you punch his lights out, because THOSE SMILEY FACES ARE STARTING TO GET ON MY FUCKING NERVES!!!
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
Part 10