I am not looking for allies
There appears to have been a misconception about why I blog about what I blog about and why I co-run Fangs for the Fantasy. I suppose I can see why, I mean, I can’t even tell you ALL the reasons why I do both because there’s a lot there.
There’s some venting. There’s the need to expose tropes and problematic representations and erasure in the hope that awareness will bring change. There’s an equal need to expose these simply because we consume them without questioning all the time and unless we do start questioning they will shape us. There’s the need to demand representation and inclusion everywhere - not decide that certain genres don’t matter or we can be confined to a niche. Oh there’s a bazillion reasons, I’ve written whole posts on the reasons.
But I do NOT do this to “find allies.” Never have. Finding allies is not on my to-do list. I don’t even particularly like the word “ally” because it’s so loaded with so many unpleasant connotations and experiences that I avoid it - the actions of too many self-appointed “allies” have rendered the word fairly irredeemably negative.
When it comes to people’s position in reference to a battle for equality I see two broad categories:
1) Arseholes
2) People Who Are Not Arseholes
An Arsehole is one who doesn’t believe a marginalised group deserves the same level of respect/rights/whatever as non-marginalised people. There are obviously different degrees of Arseholes. Some like to go out killing marginalised people, some want to campaign against our rights, some just think there’s far too many of Those People on TV and wish we’d keep it indoors. Some Arseholes will tell you how much they absolutely love us - until we don’t follow their own internal script on who/how we should be.
Regardless of the varying degrees of stink clinging to them - they’re all Arseholes.
People who are not Arseholes are just that - they think LGBT people (and all marginalised people) are people worthy of as much respect as privileged people. Despite them being relatively rare people, this is not an achievement worthy of much praise. This is the bare minimum standard for decent humanity - and should be your default setting. If it isn’t, you’re an Arsehole and should be treated as such
Is it possible that, with much work and explanation, I could convince an Arshole to not be an Arsehole? Yes - but not only is that work and painful and difficult, it’s also deeply dehumanising. I find it soul-deep offensive to have to convince someone I am an actual person worthy of respect. Having to defend, explain or justify my humanity is demeaning, it’s belittling and I loathe doing it. Almost as much I hate people telling me how much they’re struggling not to be an Arsehole.
So no, I’m not trying to “find allies.” And even if I were, it’d be impossible to do so by being nice. Someone who respects my rights and humanity and my personhood only so long as I play nicely is not my ally. LGBT people (and all marginalised people) should not have to buy respect and equality by jumping through your hoops and fawning at your feet. I am a person, no matter what - whether I’m mean, cruel, surly, caffeine deprived, sarcastic, plain nasty or whether I’m nice, patient, kind, gentle and saintly. My personhood is not dependent on my conduct - and all marginalised people do not need to show impeccable behaviour to be found worthy of equality
So don’t ever tell me that I’m failing to find allies or I’m driving allies away. The first is not actually something I’m trying to do or want to do. The second is impossible with a genuine ally - because a genuine ally would support our rights as a full human being no matter how much of an ornery, surly git I am.
There’s some venting. There’s the need to expose tropes and problematic representations and erasure in the hope that awareness will bring change. There’s an equal need to expose these simply because we consume them without questioning all the time and unless we do start questioning they will shape us. There’s the need to demand representation and inclusion everywhere - not decide that certain genres don’t matter or we can be confined to a niche. Oh there’s a bazillion reasons, I’ve written whole posts on the reasons.
But I do NOT do this to “find allies.” Never have. Finding allies is not on my to-do list. I don’t even particularly like the word “ally” because it’s so loaded with so many unpleasant connotations and experiences that I avoid it - the actions of too many self-appointed “allies” have rendered the word fairly irredeemably negative.
When it comes to people’s position in reference to a battle for equality I see two broad categories:
1) Arseholes
2) People Who Are Not Arseholes
An Arsehole is one who doesn’t believe a marginalised group deserves the same level of respect/rights/whatever as non-marginalised people. There are obviously different degrees of Arseholes. Some like to go out killing marginalised people, some want to campaign against our rights, some just think there’s far too many of Those People on TV and wish we’d keep it indoors. Some Arseholes will tell you how much they absolutely love us - until we don’t follow their own internal script on who/how we should be.
Regardless of the varying degrees of stink clinging to them - they’re all Arseholes.
People who are not Arseholes are just that - they think LGBT people (and all marginalised people) are people worthy of as much respect as privileged people. Despite them being relatively rare people, this is not an achievement worthy of much praise. This is the bare minimum standard for decent humanity - and should be your default setting. If it isn’t, you’re an Arsehole and should be treated as such
Is it possible that, with much work and explanation, I could convince an Arshole to not be an Arsehole? Yes - but not only is that work and painful and difficult, it’s also deeply dehumanising. I find it soul-deep offensive to have to convince someone I am an actual person worthy of respect. Having to defend, explain or justify my humanity is demeaning, it’s belittling and I loathe doing it. Almost as much I hate people telling me how much they’re struggling not to be an Arsehole.
So no, I’m not trying to “find allies.” And even if I were, it’d be impossible to do so by being nice. Someone who respects my rights and humanity and my personhood only so long as I play nicely is not my ally. LGBT people (and all marginalised people) should not have to buy respect and equality by jumping through your hoops and fawning at your feet. I am a person, no matter what - whether I’m mean, cruel, surly, caffeine deprived, sarcastic, plain nasty or whether I’m nice, patient, kind, gentle and saintly. My personhood is not dependent on my conduct - and all marginalised people do not need to show impeccable behaviour to be found worthy of equality
So don’t ever tell me that I’m failing to find allies or I’m driving allies away. The first is not actually something I’m trying to do or want to do. The second is impossible with a genuine ally - because a genuine ally would support our rights as a full human being no matter how much of an ornery, surly git I am.